Warning Labels That Make You Say 'DUH!'

On Thursdays, my mother kept her hardware store open until 8:30 p.m. I can’t imagine she did much business, but, hey, she got a break from her four children, two of whom were feral.

On those nights, Dad treated us to TV dinners, a meat-and-three served up in a compartmentalized tray covered in foil. My job was to read the back of box to learn which compartments, like the cinnamon apples, needed the foil peeled back before going in the oven.

Beyond that, the only other key piece of information on the box was how long the dinners baked in the oven, say, 40 minutes. But the copywriters working on the instructions couldn’t just stop themselves there. Some noodge had to add this line at the very end:

Remove foil before serving.

Wait, what? Did some poor Schmoe actually punch his fork through the tinfoil and eat his Salisbury steak? Was it HIS angry letter to Swanson’s that prompted the idiotic “Remove foil before serving” warning? I bet he was the same guy who demanded the label “Warning: Contains peanuts” on every bag of peanuts.

It’s tragic that a little kid like me could recognize such absurdly worded instructions on a TV dinner. But even today, if you flip through instruction booklets and owner’s manuals, there are a number of very specific warnings that make me wonder: Are they included here just because someone has tried this?

A trip to your favorite independent hardware store will yield lots of examples of warnings for dummies. Mostly, they’re what NOT to do. And in the spirit of consumer safety, I have combed package instructions, manufacturer’s warning labels and owner’s manuals to identify some for you:

KrazyGlue
Warning: Bonds skin instantly. Do not use to attach artificial nails.

BernzOMatic butane microtorch
Never attempt to use torch as a cigarette lighter

Dremel 8240
This product is not intended for use as a dental drill, in human or veterinary medical applications. Serious injury may result.

Little Giant Ladders
Do not use the ladder as a bridge

Ames steel wheelbarrow
Warning: Tire not for highway use

When packaging lists DUH! warnings, there’s the temptation to complain about overzealous government regulations.

But I have a different view: Those warnings are there to pull us back from the precipice of stupidity. Because sometimes, stupidity leads to injury.

I’ve been guilty of trying to MacGyver a solution out of materials on hand. Or I have taken the lazy route instead of doing the job right in the first place. As proof, I submit this August 2025 Substack post in which I confessed to foolishly hanging a mirror with Command Strips!

There should be a stupid-prevention hotline that D-I-Yers can call when they’re considering a risky, off-label maneuver or any undertaking that’s way beyond their skillset. I suggest 8-1-1, since it’s just one step away from 9-1-1. (Some municipalities already use 8-1-1 as a “Call before you dig” hotline to keep people from inadvertently striking underground utilities—which is just a different flavor of stupid.)

In the meantime, I’ll resume my home manicure thanks to the Dremel 8240 and a little KrazyGlue.