Stop Settling: How Self-Love Changes the Way You’re Loved

You don’t get the love you deserve, you get the love you accept.

Wrong place, wrong time, wrong people.
Right time, wrong place, right people.
Right time, right place, right people.

Sometimes people enter our lives at the wrong time.
Other times, the wrong people just enter.

Orchestrated tests.
Divine timing.
Repeated patterns and cycles.
Inconsistencies.

Situations beyond our control.
And a lot within it.

But the one constant in all of this is us.
You.

Throughout this lifetime, you are allowed and capable of living many lives.

Loving more than once.
Starting over more than once.

As many times as you need to.

But there is one factor that can enhance these experiences
or help you heal faster when needed:

Self-love.

Choosing yourself on purpose.

How you talk to you.
How you care for you.
How you show up for you and protect your peace.

“Self-love is the daily practice of treating yourself like someone you are responsible for, because you are.”

It is having your own back:

Mentally.

Emotionally.

Physically.

It looks like compassion when you mess up.

Acceptance while you are still healing.

Boundaries that keep you safe.

Self-love is not just for the aesthetics.

It is a feeling and a knowing from the depths of your soul.

A knowing that you deserve love.

A knowing that you deserve care.

And when practiced, you naturally attract more love from others.

But more on that later.

The fact that you are here is a miracle.
Your existence is proof.

Self-love is a decision you make every day, over and over again.

For a lot of us, it is something that has to be learned, practiced, and eventually mastered.

And for some of us, love carries a warped meaning,
so it is no wonder that self-love feels foreign.

Strange.

Some people thrive when we do not love ourselves,
because that would mean we know our value.

And when we know our value, it is game over for them.
They would have to match our energy.
Put in effort.

And for some people, the bare minimum is all they want to give.

We say “I love you” as easily as we breathe.
To friends, to family, to coworkers, to acquaintances.

But recently I had to ask myself:

What is the meaning?
And what does it actually mean to me?

I realized that the word is more sacred to me than I thought.

I like a lot of people, admire them,
even get inspired by them.

But love? No.

I am also in a space where I am realizing that words hold meaning.

The concept that “what you speak is what you become” or “your words shape your reality” shows up a lot in spiritual and self-help spaces.

In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz talks about the power of the word and how what we speak can be a form of magic.

And it is.

So when you look at the word love, an intense feeling of deep affection, it becomes clear:

That word is sacred.

That feeling is reserved for a select few.

Including you.

I also asked myself, can you love what you do not know?

Because we never really fully know anyone.

And even if you do, people change. We change.

Sometimes we love a version of someone they no longer are.

They can also love a version of us they met years ago.

Family dynamics.
Friendships.
Relationships.

Love is not always unconditional.
Not for everyone.

Love grows.
Love fades.

But does it expire?

When you decide to change,
to live more authentically,
to choose yourself and create space,

You begin to see the shifts.

“If they wanted to, they would.”

A quote you have probably heard at least once.

And if you are lucky, never had to experience.

It is the knowing that you may or may not be a priority to someone,

platonically or romantically.

The truth is, people do what they want when the desire is strong enough, and they have the emotional capacity to follow through.

When someone does not show up, it is usually not because you were not “good enough.”

It is because they were not willing, ready, or able.

And that is ok.

What is not ok is wasted time for either party.

It is not ok to force someone to:

Commit.
See your value.
Receive your value.

You cannot force someone to act right.
That is not your job or your business.

But it is your responsibility to remove yourself from a situation that depletes you.

Another layer to this is asking yourself:

What within me attracted someone who is not aligned with what I want or need?

And once you realize that you and a partner are no longer on the same page,
standard-wise or belief-wise,

were those concerns voiced?

Was there any effort made to improve? a mutual understanding?

The signs are always there.
Silently screaming.
Hoping that you will listen.

“Potential without action is just that, potential.”

And 9/10 people know what they are doing; they know you don’t take your requirements seriously because you don’t take yourself seriously.

I personally believe that when you hold yourself to a high standard,
love and treat yourself well wholeheartedly,

you cannot accept less than that.

It reads in your aura.
People know they have to come correct.

And if they do not, you can easily inform them.

When you:

Buy yourself flowers.
Take yourself on solo dates.
Love on your body and treat it with respect.
Heal your mind, get clear about your strengths and weaknesses,
and work on them as long as you need to;

There is no way you can settle or entertain less than that.

It becomes impossible.

And if you happen to,
whether you were unaware or chose to ignore red flags altogether,

It is never too late to decide:

This is my last time accepting this.

And then actually follow through.

Closure is an illusion.

It is why some chapters have to end without a conclusion,
And that in itself becomes the conclusion.

I learned about self-determination theory, and it has permanently shifted how I view motivation, discipline, and relationships.

In simple terms, the healthiest relationships are the ones where both people can:

Be themselves.

Feel confident in who they are.

Feel close and connected.

Stay because they want to, not because they have to.

When partners give each other space and accept who they really are,

they are happier, solve problems better, and tend to stay together longer.

This does not mean you compromise to the point of unhappiness, but be open to compromise.

If you enter a partnership of any kind and you are on the same page,

chances are things are more harmonious, because you want the same thing.

Relationships as a whole require constant communication.

But communication can be tricky,
especially if you were taught to be quiet.
To never ask for too much.
To accept what you are given.

Let this be your reminder:

Closed mouths do not get fed.

If you want a relationship, marriage, a situationship, an open relationship, a poly relationship, whatever it is, say it.

If your standard is a certain thing and you like certain things, voice that too.

If something makes you uncomfortable, first dissect why, then voice it.

We grow or regress in relationships, and so do our partners. Be open to their change and, in turn, communicate your changes.

Some feelings, like jealousy, stem from deeper places
and require their own healing. I write more about that in another letter linked here.

I truly believe there are certain things we have to work through
before we can see a new relationship for what it is:

New.

If you have unhealed trauma, betrayal, cheating, or abandonment,

it is hard to see clearly.

We should love without attachments.

Love is complex, but somehow still simple.

Love can be a source of strength and armor.

Love helps you make the easy decisions, but also the hard ones.

Love can support separation when needed,

sacrifice when needed,

and your well-being when needed.

Loving without attachment doesn’t mean being cold, guarded, or unavailable.

It means you love but expect the unexpected, pedestalize no one, and remember that everyone is human, including you.

People change. Seasons shift. Feelings evolve.

So you keep pouring into yourself at every stage, whether it is year one or year twenty.

Because when you love yourself fully, you don’t hold on out of fear.

You choose from a place of wholeness.

“You can love deeply and still never abandon yourself.”

And that is why loving yourself is necessary.

Defining love for yourself is necessary.

No standard is too high for you,

whether you saw it growing up or not,

whether you see it around you now or not.

And let me be very clear:

Social media relationships should never be the goal.

You can admire aspects of what you see,

but understand that no relationship is perfect.

Nor will it ever be.

The goal is to get as close as possible

to what feels healthy and aligned through your lens.

Just like we have talked about in previous letters,

what we see online is often an illusion.

A show.

Especially on holidays like Valentine’s Day.

If you are a lover girl,

The pictures and posts can make you feel inadequate,

like “When will my time come?”

It is ok to feel your feelings.

But trust your timing.

You do not want a rushed delivery.

Because you will get exactly that: someone unaligned with what you truly want.

Practice being patient with your own timing.
When it feels like everyone else is “getting chosen” or posting soft-launches, try to redirect that energy back into you,

into your career, your friendships, your money, your healing, your growth.

And pay attention to what you see in real life.

The other day, I was sitting in a restaurant and realized I’ve noticed this a few times now: couples at tables, both on their phones the entire time, or barely speaking to each other.

No judgment, just observation.

It reminded me that “being in a relationship” and “feeling loved, seen, and emotionally safe” are not always the same thing.

I’ve noticed that sometimes people stay because staying feels easier than leaving.
Easier to keep the picture than to ask the hard questions.
Easier to perform than to admit something is missing.

Not because they are weak, but because uncertainty is scary.
Starting over is scary.
Being alone with yourself is scary when you have not yet learned to love yourself.

You have to decide differently for yourself.

And if you are someone who is in a partnership and honestly happy,
or if you step into that soon,

do not be surprised if you receive indirect hate or weird energy for that, too.

It is a hard realization,
but doing the work on yourself and in your relationship
can stir feelings in other people.

That is not your fault.
And it is not your responsibility to fix.

Because the secret code is self-love
and being open to receive it in return.

So again I remind you:

You know you are that girl, right?

Correction, that woman.

Every day that you wake up, create affirmations that actually feel like you.

Look in the mirror and say:

I can do this.

I deserve all good things.

Then fill in the blanks in a way that fits your life:

I love ______ and ______ about myself.

I get to work on ______ and ______.

I am deserving of ______ and ______.

I love myself and the woman I am becoming.
I embrace the journey and the lessons.

Not to take it there, but:

Do you know how many people did not wake up today?
How many people do not have full use of their body?
How many people would not have survived the things you have been through?

Your resilience should be applauded.

And still, you keep showing up.

I know things may have been hard,
maybe for a long time.

But did the sun not come out today?
And the moon after that?

Another day.

Proof that at any time, it can all change.

You can change.
Your situation can change.

The love that you want,
whether platonic or romantic,
will find you.

When we used to catch butterflies in jars as kids,

they would tell us to either let them go

or poke holes in the lid so they could breathe.

So why would you keep yourself in a jar

or allow others to capture you?

You cannot.

It never rains forever,

so why do you think you cannot step into a new life?

A new you?

Why do you think settling is an option?

Why is giving up even on the table?

Move with the audacity of “I deserve.”

Keep working, creating, and striving with that same audacity,

every single day,

until the way you love yourself becomes the standard for every love that enters your life.

A lot of what we talk about here, self-love, standards, timing, and releasing what is not for you, is deep work. It takes repetition, tools, and a safe place while you become a new version of yourself.

If you’re ready to move from understanding self-love to actually practicing it, I wrote a follow-up letter for the Inner Circle:

You can unlock it by joining the paid tier here: [link]

This is not just the idea of self love, but the actions:

• how standards show up in real conversations
• how to say what you need without shrinking yourself
• how to notice when your nervous system is choosing survival instead of love
• journal prompts and reflection questions you can actually use this year

Self-Love in Practice: How to Actually Show Up for Yourself

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Feb 27

If you already know you’re meant to be the main character in your life, this is the letter that shows you how to love yourself as she would. How you talk to yourself, how you date yourself, how you communicate your standards, and how you keep choosing you, even in a relationship.