Look Out, Surf Dracula

“Wow that was some most luminous carving, Surf Dracula,” Linus (aka Geeko) says.

“Aw it is nothing a leetul surf baby couldn’t do,” Surf Dracula replies with a modest smile.

“Do you think the girls are having a good time?” Geeko casts his eyes toward the moonlit shore, where human shapes are huddled around an orange bonfire.

“I don’t think they can see us,” I say with a frown. “I keep waving at Michelle Branch and she isn’t waving back.”

“Dude, harsh,” Geeko says. He is a good friend even though I have met coral with a larger vocabulary. He waves at the girls too.

“We love you Geeko!” Samantha and Janine shriek back and he giggles. “Dude, they see us! Haha!” He holds out his fist for me to bump. I’m straddling my own surfboard and The Code insists I must bump back even though Michelle Branch is still not waving.

Surf Dracula sniffs testily. “I deed naht come heer to impress dees gorls. I cahm here to surf.” He began paddling toward the horizon, away from the lights of San Dylvania, to the break at the edge of the reef.

Geeko and I trade a look before following him. “Pshaw what a buzzkill,” Geeko mutters and we laugh together.

“I hord that!” Surf Dracula says. We laugh even harder.

Suddenly, we see a shape just beyond the waves. A shadow only slightly blacker than water around it. “Is that a whale?” I wonder. It’s definitely too big to be a shark, or so I hope. Definitely rounder than any shark I have ever seen.

“Eet iz naht a whaale,” Surf Dracula says disdainfully. “Eet’s submarine. Cahm.”

“Whoa, is it the Coast Guard?” Geeko wonders as we paddle toward the shape.

“Coast Guard does naht operate submareen,” Surf Dracula scoffs.

“That’s true, Geeko. Only the Navy does,” I say. “It’s called the COAST guard, not the under-the-water guard.”

Geeko chuckle. “Wow you guys are so smart. Maybe it’s a resplendent Navy vessel then.”

“Do you pay no attention in Miss Mina’s class?” Surf Dracula says haughtily. “Navy does not operate this type of craft. Is very suspicious. Be quiet.” He paddles out ahead of us. Being the best surfer in San Dylvania, possibly the world, Surf Dracula is much faster on the water than us.

“Dude, I think I’m gonna ask Samantha to prom. She’s like, so chill, bro,” Geeko says as we glide over the waves.

“You should, I think she likes you,” I say to him.

“Yeah man, you should totally ask Janine,” Geeko replies with a grin. “She’s a babe dude. You have so much in common. She likes pineapple on pizza too.”

I snort. “Geeko, that’s literally the only thing she and I have in common. Besides, you know Michelle Branch has my heart.”

Geeko nods sagely. “I know bro. But...ya know.”

“Everyone knows Michelle Branch has a crush on Surf Dracula,” I sigh.

“Who doesn’t though right?” Geeko says. “Bro’s dreamy.”

I laugh. “Geeko, you’re crazy.” He grins, but we suddenly ram into Surf Dracula and his all-black surfboard.

“I could haff sworn,” he says coldly. “That I sed to be quiet. Why are you two boneheads discussing prom?”

“Dude,” I begin, “You gotta get your tux rental in now or all the powder blue ones are gonna be taken. It’s called planning.” I smile smugly. “Like Miss Mina says.”

“Fah,” Surf Dracula spits and paddles on ahead of us again.

“Dude that was awesome,” Geeko says with eyes wide.

I snort. “It’s obvious he has a crush on Miss Mina.” Miss Mina was our school librarian and she had an after-hours remedial course for slackers like us. Surf Dracula was actually smart, but for some reason he didn’t go to class during the day with Geeko and me.

“What! Gross! She’s so old!” Geeko says making a face.

“She’s like twenty seven!” I say. Miss Mina is too old to date, for sure, but far from ugly.

“Exactly,” Geeko says. “I heard her talking about her 401(k) yesterday. She’s just another tool of the man, man.”

There is a loud clang as Geeko and I ram into the side of the submarine. Surf Dracula is already on top of it and is glaring down at us for making so much noise. Geeko and I scramble up the rungs on the side of the boat. “What do we do with our boards?” Geeko asks. Surf Dracula points to a flat part of the decking where he laid his black board. Geeko and I carefully stack our boards on top of his.

“We’ll be back, Lacey,” Geeko says. His board is patterned with lightning bolts and he calls her Lacey-DC.

“Yeah, see you soon, Board,” I say to mine. It has a rainbow colored gecko on it, but I just call it Board because that is a bodacious name. I shuck my pack.

“You would be much better surfer if you didn’t haff pek,” Surf Dracula says. He’s also giving me guff about my cool red Jansport.

“You never know when you might need first aid,” I say. I can tell he’s thinking about Miss Mina’s emergency lessons so he doesn’t say anything. “What’s the plan now, SD?”

He gestures towards a hatch a few feet away. “Investigate. Come.”

The ingress hatch opens with a rusty squeak, and Surf Dracula leaps down into it. Geeko and I have to take our time going down the old ladder. “Dude, I’ve never been on a sub before. This is righteous,” Geeko says.

Surf Dracula glares and hisses. “If I have to tell you two dolts be quiet one more time, I swear I send you to see viking funeral style.” He looks scary serious.

“Sweet,” Geeko whispers. “Tell SD I wanna go out like that when the time comes for real.” We fist bump.

Surf Dracula motions for us to follow him, and we slowly make our way down the corridor. Before long, we hear banging and swearing up ahead. Surf Dracula has us press against the bulkheads and we peer into a brightly lit cargo bay deep in the heart of the sub.

“What is this?” I wonder, but spying the boxes loaded with baggies and baggies of white powder, I think I know.

Surf Dracula’s lip curls and he pushes his sunglasses up higher on his nose before dashing into the cargo bay. “Drugs? Not on my beach.”

There’s about a dozen guys in white leisure suits working. They all stop dead and look up at us. “It’s a buncha kids!” one of em says incredulously.

“Ain’t it past your bed time, twerp?” The leader says. You can tell he’s the leader because he’s got a big gold chain dangling on his neck and his salmon pink shirt is unbuttoned down to his sternum.

“No, your operation is past it’s bed time,” Surf Dracula says, balling his fists.

The leader mook scoffs. “Heh. I ain’t got time for this. Lenny, sort this out. The boss is already unhappy we’re behind schedule.”

A grimy henchman appears from behind one of the huge wooden crates. “With pleasure, boss,” he says, brandishing an Uzi.

Surf Dracula grins. “Go ahead. Shoot automatic weppin in enclosed space made of reinforce steel. See what happen.”

Lenny hesitates then smirks rudely. He stuffs the Uzi into his waistband and proffers a crowbar. “C’mon boys, let’s take out the trash.” Several of the goons grab crowbars and 2x4s with long spikes driven in them. One guy even has a harpoon.

“Aw man, Geeko!” I say. “We gotta help him.”

Geeko swallows hard, but nods with determination. He, like me, is a student of Surf Dracula’s Fang Chung martial art, but Geeko doesn’t like violence. “Let’s do it bro.”

We charge into battle using our custom war cry. “PARTY-TIME-EXCELLENT!” We leap into the cargo bay and join our pal while the goons surround us.

“Bros, the goons have us surrounded!” Geeko yells.

“Goot. I give you all one chance to escape or you’ll be sarry.” Surf Dracula says. I can hear him smiling even if I can’t see his face. All of our backs are together and our fists are up in the Fang Chung style.

“Heh, youse guys are fish food!” a lunk behind me says. “Let’s get em!”

The henchmen charge us one at a time but they are no match for our feet and fists. Geeko catches a crowbar strike and kicks his foe roughly in the belly. The guy crashes into a crate, tipping it over and spilling baggies in the way. Another henchman slips on the bags and whaps a third in the knee with his plank. I lock elbows with Surf Dracula and use his leverage to send a Transylvanian Jawbreaker flying into another henchman’s face.

Surf Dracula breaks away from me and I hear a flurry of strikes, clangs, and groans as his hapless victims suffer his storm of violence. SD is a sight to behold so I spare a glance. I see him move from Renfield style into Bat Style. He leaps and kicks one henchman across the jaw and uses his momentum from the strike to flip over and hit another mook in the back of the head. He continues his flip into a roll and steals a crowbar from another goon before twirling and brutally clanging it into another guy’s knee. He howls like the hated Werewolf mascot of our cross town rivals, Moonlight High.

“What is all of this?” A grave voice echoes through the cargo bay. The fighting finally stops. There’s a shadowy figure up on the catwalk, You can see his spiffy blue suit and expensive looking loafers, but his face his hidden in the gloom. A silver ring gleams on his hand. “I did not hire you to fail, Seward.”

“Haha, your name is Sewer? What a dork!” Geeko says. The lead henchman scowls but says nothing.

The guy on the catwalk continues as if he hadn’t been interrupted. “Look in the barrels, you fools.”

Lenny the Goon uses his crowbar to pry off the lid of a gray steel barrel. It has AgNO₃ stamped on the side. “Is these grenades?” The insolent henchman grumbles.

I can sense Surf Dracula’s tension.

“Throw it, you fool,” the man on the catwalk demands coldly. Lenny the Goon throws the device and it explodes in a big cloud of thick smoke. It smells a lot like garlic.

Surf Dracula hisses and backs away from the cloud. “It’s vile poison!”

Geeko and I trade a look. Sure it’s a little unpleasant, and slightly caustic but poison seems like a bit of an overstatement.

“I trust you have this handled, Seward?” the man on the catwalk says. “I want this done by midnight.”

The lead goon furrows his brow. “Boss? What about...?” He trails off before waving his meaty palm at us.

The shadow man has an answer. “I’ll drop some chum before I take off. The sharks will help it look like...an accident.”

Lenny and Seward chuckle evilly as their boss escapes through a door above us. “Alright, you heard the boss!” They say together as if no one had. What a bunch of losers.

“What are we gonna do?” Geeko whispers and I can tell he’s worried.

I have an idea because I have been paying attention in Miss Mina’s class. “Geeko, run and get me one of those flare guns.”

“Vat are you doing?” Surf Dracula says, retreating towards the exit of the cargo bay.

“I have a plan, cause a distraction.”

Surf Dracula frowns, but we’re all bros and he trusts me. “Hey, losers! How about throwing some of those garlic bombs this way? I bet you could naht hit ocean if you were on beach!” His sunglasses shimmer menacingly. While the idiot henchmen start lobbing their grenades at SD, Geeko runs over to the red box with Emergency Flare Gun stenciled on the side. “Ha ha! Not even Renfield throws so weakly. Always picked last in geem class. Just like all of you!” Surf Dracula is yelling as I load the flare.

“SD! Look out!” I yell, cocking the gun. “Hasta la FUEGO!” I shout before pulling the trigger and shooting the flare into the cloud of garlic smoke the henchmen have been making.

The cloud erupts into a fireball.

“What did you do!” Geeko says, turning white.

I blow the smoke away from the flare gun. “Everyone knows Silver Nitrate mixed with Magnesium is a deadly combo.”

“Whoa, they do?” Geeko asks.

“Yeah, the flares contain-” I begin to explain, but am cut off by a loud boom as one of the barrels explodes. A bunch of henchmen scream.

“Uh guys?” Surf Dracula says. “We better get up top.” Another barrel explodes. Then another. A gurgling roar fills the cargo bay as the ocean rushes in from a breach in the submarine’s hull.

“We’ll never make it!” Geeko cries.

“Oh yes we will!” I say, unzipping my Jansport. I pull out my trusty pair of rollerblades and hand them to Surf Dracula. “You always tell me I’m stupid for bringing these surfing. Well, who’s stupid now?”

Surf Dracula scowls but he knows I’m right. He quickly slips the blades on and then throws me and Geeko over his shoulders. Everyone knows he’s also the best skater in San Dylvania, probably even the world. He glides easily to the ladder leading to the hatch that will take us topside. He doesn’t even bother dropping us and leaps straight out of the hatch and onto the submarine’s deck. He rips my skates off and throws them in the ocean.

“Dude!” I yell, outraged.

“Forget it, we gotta go!” Surf Dracula says, shoving me towards our pile of boards. Geeko hands me my Gecko and we rush over to the side of the submarine.

“Bros, wait,” Surf Dracula says before Geeko and I leap over the edge. He holds out an arm to stop us. “I smell de blahd. There are sharks.”

The submarine quakes under our feet and the deck lists to one side.

“There’s no time, dude!” Geeko moans.

Surf Dracula curses. “I’ll try to leed them away. Wait as long as yoo ken!” He takes a flying leap overboard with his belly pressed to his black fiberglass board.

“You ready dude?” I ask Geeko.

He looks like a ghost in the moonlight, but he nods. “Let’s do it, bro.”

As we leap off the side of the submarine, the biggest explosion yet rips through the ocean beneath us, forming a massive swell. Geeko and I pick up momentum as the water surges forward, and even Surf Dracula’s powerful strokes can’t outpace the wave. We can see the fins of two giant tiger sharks right in his wake.

We pull up alongside SD. “Ready bros?” he yells as the wind whistles in our ears and the ocean rushes beneath us. I can hear the furious snapping of shark jaws. In unison, the three of us press off our decks and into standing as the massive wave begins to break.

“Yeehaw!” Geeko yells. Embarrassingly, Linus always becomes a cowboy when he catches a wave.

I can feel a shark nipping at the tail of my board, and I swing my Jansport at it. It grabs hold with a mega bite, and my bad luck continues. First the rollerblades, and now my backpack, gone in the space of about five minutes. Bummer, dude.

“The girls!” I yell, realizing they will still be on the beach when our mini-tsunami gets there. I can see them huddled around the bonfire still.

“Don’t worry!” Surf Dracula calls. “Weel save de gorls!”

The big wave races to the shoreline and we carve down its face at an angle as the top curls over in a mondo tube. Samantha, Janine, and Michelle Branch’s faces are twisted in terror as we speed toward them. Each of us scoops up one of the girls as the wave rushes all the way to the edge of the beach. I huddle over the woman in my arms as the water sluices back into the ocean.

Michelle Branch looks up at me. “You...you saved me.” She blinks. “I didn’t even know you could surf.”

“Women are always saying that to me,” I grumble.

“Excuse me?” Michelle Branch says, utterly confused.

I rally. “Michelle Branch, will you go to the prom with me.”

She blinks again. “You...really want to go with...me?”

I nod. She looks beautiful in the moonlight, even with a bit of seaweed in her hair. “Of course babe,” I say to her. “You’re everywhere, to me.”

She swoons, but I hear a mighty thrash behind me. One of the evil tiger sharks is on the beach trying to get to us. I raise my board and give it a whack, saving Michelle Branch for the second time. But as I turn around to check on her she says “Surf Dracula! Are you okay?”

He’s wrapping a blanket around Janine who is looking up at him like he’s David Hasselhoff. “We were so worried about you,” Janine says.

“Yeah. Iz nutheeng,” Surf Dracula says, but I can see he’s grim behind his sunglasses. “Did you see what was on side of boat?” I shake my head. “AVH, Inc.” Surf Dracula says grimly. “Same as in Johnny’s notebook.”

“Dude,” I breathe. “No way.” AHV, Inc. was written on the last page of Surf Dracula’s mentor’s journal. The last thing The Hark had ever written before he’d disappeared a month ago.

“Bros!” Geeko says, walking over with his arm draped over Samantha’s shoulder. “We’re goin to PROM, dudes!” Even in the moonlight, I can see Sam blush just as red as her hair. Geeko chuckles awkwardly. “Man, that was the scariest thing I did all night.” He finally realizes that we’re glum. “Yo, guys what gives?”

“The boat belonged to AVH, Inc.,” I say quietly.

“Whoa, just like The Hark’s Journal!” Geeko says.

“What do you think it means?” Samantha says.

“I dunno, babe. Nothing good, for sure. Their shadow bossman got away on a boat. He’s still out there!”

“We saw a speedboat,” Janine says brightly. “It was heading for the Marina.”

Geeko and I trade another look, but Surf Dracula has his back to us, with his fists clenched. A helicopter is swooping in low, headed for the San Dylvania marina. “I’ll find you, Johnny,” Surf Dracula says. “I’ll find you!”

Geeko and I pound fists one more time. “I’ll get the skateboards, bros.”

“There’s no time,” a voice from behind us says. We all whirl. Miss Mina is sitting in her cherry red jeep with the top off. “Hop in. I’ll get you guys there in a flash.”

“Shotgun!” Geeko yells but Surf Dracula puts his palm on our friend’s chest.

“I beleeve I already call shotgun,” he says with a sneer. He’s smirking but peering over his glasses at Miss Mina.

“No, dude--” Geeko begins but I shake my head at him. It dawns on him. “Aw, yeah, my bad, SD. We’ll stash the boards in the van, bro, and meet you in a sec.”

In no time, we’re piled in the back of Miss Mina’s jeep. “Crank the Maiden, Miss M!” Geeko howls and her tires screech as we speed off for the marina.