hi. it’s amanda. andi turned 3 months old this past saturday and i genuinely do not know how that happened.
like i blinked. i actually blinked and somehow three months passed. she is my last baby and i am simultaneously devastated about how fast it’s going and also lowkey convinced i could have five more. which is insane. which i know is insane. but i’ll get to that.
anyway. here’s what’s actually going on in my life right now. no filter. buckle up.
my oldest is turning 5. FIVE. i also do not know how that happened but here we are.
i planned what i genuinely believe is an objectively amazing taekwondo birthday party. i put real effort into this. i was excited about this. i told him about it. and he looked me dead in the eyes and said:
“but i want to go to a play place for my birthday.”
i’m sorry WHAT. the audacity of a 4 turning 5 year old. i have a whole taekwondo party planned, buddy. we are doing taekwondo. lol but also i’m slightly reconsidering everything because he looked so genuinely confused about why that wasn’t what was happening and honestly? fair. he’s 5. he wants a play place. this is fine. everything is fine.
okay this one genuinely melts my heart every single day and i need to talk about it.
ace, my middle kid at 3.5 years old, is absolutely obsessed with andi. obsessed. he wants to hold her, he talks to her, he checks on her, he just stares at her like she hung the moon. and it is the most pure, beautiful thing i have ever witnessed in my life.
i was so nervous about how the boys were going to handle having a baby in the house. especially ace. and he just... loves her so much. every single day he does something that makes me want to cry in the best way. i did not expect this and i am so grateful for it.
i hate my body right now. i’m just going to say it.
i need to lose 24 pounds and nothing fits and it’s hard in a way that feels different this time. with my first it was covid so we literally did nothing and went nowhere and it didn’t matter. with my second he was born in january so i was in baggy clothes all winter and nobody saw anything. but andi? she arrived right in the thick of wedding season. events. things where you have to get dressed and look like a human person. and nothing. fits.
and here’s the thing nobody talks about enough: we are living in an ozempic world right now. like everyone around you is shrinking and it’s happening fast and nobody’s really talking about how that feels when you’re 13 weeks postpartum and your body is literally still healing and you’re doing everything right and it’s just... slow. the way bodies are supposed to work is slow. but the world doesn’t feel slow right now and that disconnect is genuinely hard to sit with.
i’m not going to pretend i’m totally fine with it because i’m not. and i think it’s okay to say that instead of pretending i’m glowing and loving every second of my postpartum body.
i’m working on it. but i’m also being honest that it’s hard.
i posted a reel about getting botox at 8 weeks postpartum and it hit over 1.1 million views. which i genuinely did not see coming.
watch it here if you haven’t seen it:
and oh did women have opinions. the comments were something. my personal favorite was someone telling me that botox means my baby can’t read my facial expressions which apparently leads to raising a psychopath. the more ya know!
i responded: “thanks, adding ‘raises psychopath’ to my parenting wins board.” that comment got 568 likes so i think we’re all going to be okay.
there was also “is it botox over breastfeeding?” which genuinely made me laugh. like yes. for me, at 8 weeks, with three kids under five, after making the decision that was right for our family. yes. i chose botox. and i would choose it again. and andi is perfect and thriving and has a mother who feels a little bit more like herself and i think that matters.
a mom who feels human is a better mom. full stop. if botox at 8 weeks postpartum makes you feel like yourself for five minutes, do it.
i stopped breastfeeding at 8 weeks and i want to say that out loud because i think people need to hear it. i stopped. and it was the right decision for me and for andi and for our family. and i’m not going to feel bad about it even though for a hot second i really did. fed is fed and a rested mom is a better mom and that’s just the truth. and then i brought home a bottle snacker so the universe has a sense of humor apparently. my boys chugged their bottles. like genuinely, efficiently, done in five minutes, back to life. i thought that was just how babies worked.
andi does not chug. andi considers her options. andi takes her time. andi snacks. she’ll take a little, look around, think about it, maybe come back, maybe not. each bottle takes so long i sometimes forget we started. and she does not want to sleep unless she is being held. the second you put her down she knows. she always knows.
it’s genuinely impressive and also i am absolutely obsessed with her anyway. she can snack for as long as she wants. she’s my last baby and i will hold her through every single bottle for as long as she’ll let me.
she’s my last baby. and i know that. and i feel it every single day in this strange mix of grief and gratitude that i genuinely was not prepared for.
i would have five more kids. i genuinely would. and i know that’s insane and i know we’re done and i know that logically but my heart has absolutely not received that memo. every milestone she hits i feel this little pang of like... that’s the last time i’ll see a baby do that for the first time. and it’s a lot.
and then i see these women who have their last baby and they just KNOW. like immediately. they’re like i am done, my family is complete, i have never been more sure of anything in my life. and i am so jealous of them. like genuinely. HOW. how do you just know and feel good about it? because i feel good about it and also devastated about it simultaneously and i don’t think that ever fully goes away.
why are we like this? why do some of us always want one more? is it the baby smell? is it the newborn snuggles? is it just that your heart grows every single time and now you can’t imagine stopping? i don’t have the answer. i just know that andi turned three months old this past saturday and i already miss her being a newborn and she’s still right here.
three kids under five is a lot. it is genuinely, honestly, a lot. and i am tired and my body doesn’t feel like mine and nothing fits. and also i am so full. like so stupidly full of love for these three little people that it actually kind of hurts.
nobody warned me it would feel like this. like all of it, all at once, all the time.
okay the thing that hit me hardest writing this was honestly the ‘i would have five more’ thing because i think so many of us feel this way and nobody really talks about it. like the grief of being done even when you know you’re done is a real thing and it deserves to be said out loud. if you’re in your postpartum era right now and nothing fits and you feel like you’re the only one not bouncing back, you are not alone. and if you also feel like you could have five more babies even though that is absolutely not happening, drop a comment because i need to know i’m not alone in this. tag a friend who gets it. okay see you thursday.
xo, amanda
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