Oh no. What have I done?

I hired a design firm two months before my book launch. When the drafts came back, my stomach fell. I knew I had to say something — but I really didn’t want to. And I do this for a living.

I’d hired the design firm two months out from my book launch. The money was spent, the timeline was tight, and I couldn’t have found someone new even if I’d wanted to.

When I saw the first drafts, my stomach fell. I knew I had to say something — but I really didn’t want to. And I do this for a living.

Here’s the part I don’t usually admit: I’m trained in conflict, I teach it — and I genuinely dislike it.It always makes my gut clench and my emotions flare.

I try to hire smart, motivated people I trust, and I hate the fallout when something goes sideways. My instinct is always the same: Forget it, I’ll deal with it myself. That’s probably why my social was non-existent and my website was self-made for ten years.

Step one: do nothing

So the first thing I did was nothing. I made myself stop talking in that meeting — anything I said in the moment would come out accusatory, and I didn’t even know what my goal was yet.

Afterward, I sat with it and wrote notes. I started with the uncomfortable question — What’s my part in creating this problem? — then documented what wasn’t working, and why. Ten minutes, no more. I didn’t have more to give.

The hardest part was naming what I actually wanted. That was probably the root of it: I hadn’t defined it clearly enough in the first place.

The make-or-break conversation

At our next meeting, I ripped off the bandaid: I said I disliked the design — then went straight into my part. I hadn’t given enough specificity, and I hadn’t prioritized the content well.

They still got defensive. “Well, this is what you asked for.” That put my back up — it absolutely was not. But I took another breath. They were new at client management, I was an early client, they’d worked hard. It’s hard to be told your baby is ugly.

So instead of firing back the way I felt entitled to — I was the client, after all — I changed the frame.

I ASKED ONE QUESTION

“What do we need to do to get on the same page?”

That phrase was the key. It said we were in this together, that I’d put in more effort, that I wanted to figure it out. And it unlocked the whole conversation.

What it got me

A beautiful website. Real traction on social. And a lasting relationship with two talented women I can go back to. None of that happens if I lead with my gut — This sucks, and it’s NOT what we talked about.

Did it take more time? Maybe 40 minutes, including 10 of prep. Worth it? Easily — for the outcome, and for the resource they’ve become. We forget — I forget — how a little more time upfront saves a lot of downstream pain.

The moves you can steal

It works whether you’re across from a board, a co-founder, a union rep, or someone you love you keep clashing with:

1 Pause. Get out of reactive mode.

2 Find your part in the problem.

3 Name what you actually want.

4 Ask the other side how to get there — together.

FROM CHAPTER 4 OF NEVER SETTLE:

Positions are what we say we want; interests are why. The reframe from “this isn’t what I asked for” to “what do we need to do to get on the same page?” is the whole move.

— Attia

ATTIA QURESHI

Influence Expert · Speaker · Leadership Coach · Strategist