Heck no, you can't have a phone at 12

Annabelle was 11 turning 12 and wanted a phone. Our first thought was heck no. But what she did next surprised and impressed us.

This week, a good friend told me her soon-to-be 12-year-old daughter Annabelle had picked up my book Never Settle. She’d loved the chapter about my neighbor — how bad relationships can actually turn around — and the parts about using research ahead of time to make a stronger case. And then all of a sudden it started showing up in their household.

After going through the book, Annabelle sat down and wrote her parents a letter.

She described her interests in getting a phone upon turning 12 while also reflecting on what their interests might be, and then thoughtfully laid out some options on how she might be able to get a phone in the next few months.

There were no demands and no expectations — just a well thought out opening to the conversation that considered all perspectives and offered paths forward. And what I found equally interesting was my friend’s reaction: she wasn’t frustrated, she was impressed by the way Annabelle had created space for a discussion.

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The power of a relational ask

My friends and I are pretty aligned on limiting devices for as long as possible. But the approach Annabelle took made mom willing to sit down and discuss options — instead of shutting down the conversation from the start.

So even if you have an ask you’re fairly confident won’t be agreed to, you’ll be surprised at how much progress you can make by taking a relational and interest-based approach — just like 12-year-old Annabelle.

I have repeatedly found in my career that people will generally try to help if you bring your ask in the right way. You don’t have to settle for the status quo — just be a little thoughtful in how you raise the topic, and most of the time you’ll see progress.

Before your next moment of influence

Write down what you want — and what they likely want. Bring both into the room. You don’t have to write a letter like Annabelle did. If an 11-year-old can do it, the rest of us certainly can too.