Back to SpontaneousH and his desire to argue himself into an early grave.
When last we left him, he either gave us a very weird timeline, or just decided for whatever reason to take a snappy of his track marks. One makes him a liar, but then we have the image that he posted showing that he is indeed serious, and the other is perhaps a product of the new fangled impulse to take photos of literally everything despite no one caring.
Seriously, just enjoy the fireworks show or the concert. Literally no one wants to see the pictures you took of it, or the video you shot. Put the phone down and live in the moment. You are the only one that it matters to. You might as well see it live, and not through a screen. You paid to be there and watching it on your phone screen is just a crappier version of watching it on TV. You are only robbing yourself.
Anyway.
I’m not proud of any of this and posted it here because I can’t tell anyone in my life and don’t want to keep it to myself.
Yeah, that might be true, you might not be proud of yourself, but you keep making dumb decisions. I know why you can’t tell anyone, because you fear their reaction. However, you want someone to tell you that you’re fine, that you’ve got this, that it isn’t that bad. Likely, on Reddit, you will find a few people that will do just that, and those that don’t, you know, the vast majority, you will complain endlessly about because they make you feel all those bad feelings that you have earned.
I figured doing another IAMA would give me the opportunity to talk about my issues anonymously and help realize the extent of my problem through feedback, the assholes saying this is all fake trolling can fuck themselves.
Okay, but if that were true, then you would be actively engaging with those that are telling you to get help. Instead, at least in your main posts, you act as if those people have no idea what they are talking about because they aren’t saying what you want to hear. That kind of does make it seem like you are there on Reddit to justify your behavior, not explore the depths of your problem. Is it uncomfortable to face the fact you make sucky choices? I would imagine so for someone that has the whole range of emotions. However, that is where you place yourself, so deal with the fact that not everyone is down with your narrative of events.
People can post about being prostitutes and all sorts of things that harm a large number of other people but dismiss someone on the track to becoming an addict who needs help and just wants to talk and maybe help some other people form making the same mistakes.
On the track of…? Sweetie… no, you are an addict. You are a full blown addict and a relatively naive one at that. What are you ever talking about right now? Granted SpontaneousH wrote this nearly two decades ago, and I am sure he is much smarter now, but dear lord this is a level of delusional dumbness that I cannot wrap my skull around.
I appreciate the people giving legitimate advice and asking questions. I’m going to the next NA meeting I can find....
Do you though…? Because I don’t think that you do.
There is a post break here, but no dates. I have no idea how long a timespan there is between these two posts, or what the ======= is, but it seems to be a timeline break. I could be wrong.
================================================================================ I know there will be a lot of people telling me ‘I told you so’ and urging me to seek help, and they are right. That’s all good and trust me I know the danger I am in of ruining my life but let’s please keep this an AMA first and foremost.
Nope, you don’t. You have already ruined your life and the fact that you think you are “in danger” of doing so, demonstrates that you either are unwilling or unable to come to terms with where you are at. You are acting like you are just arriving at the train station when in reality the train already jumped the track, you died in the crash, but your family is still getting phone calls from you.
(True story by the way. Check out the Chatsworth CA train crash, and the mysterious phone calls by a passenger to his family after he had died instantly in the wreck. Very interesting stuff.)
I will be checking out an NA meeting this week and I know I am on a fast track to becoming an addict and I want to stop it before it gets out of control and I’m physically addicted. No one in my life can know about this and I want to stop before it is too late
No one is this idiotic, right? He has to know that he is in addiction right now and is in denial. That has to be the case. Good lord I hope it is.
Also, dude already “checked out” NA, and decided that he was better than all that. He didn’t need it, but now suddenly thinks that was a mistake. Well, in fairness, he doesn’t say that he made a mistake, he acts like he never went in the first place.
“NA? What’s that? I’ve never heard of it. You say it might help me in my self-induced hell? I might have to mosey on down there and have a looksee.”
I have been using for 2-3 day periods then taking a couple days off then using again.
So… you’re an addict that also enjoys torturing themselves to prove that they aren’t an addict? Yup. Totally reasonable.
The breaks were in part to try not to get hooked…
Too late.
…and in part because I had an unreliable dealer who charged me more than double what I should be paying.
Right, because he can, because you’re an addict and he knows he has you by the shorthairs.
I got ripped off several times when I tried to buy off the street (my former dealer is the guy who I first bought from).
How are you determining that you are being ripped off? From my calculations, they have what you have decided is a necessity, and they get to decide how much you pay for that necessity. It sucks, but unless you have a direct connection, this is the supply part of the supply and demand equation. They have accurately determined that you are an addict, and will pay what they decide their product is worth. Complaining about drug dealers being shady is kind of a pointless whinge if you ask me.
Today I met a guy through some internet channels who said he could get bundles (10 small bags of heroin) for significantly less than half the price my old dealer gave me on his ‘most fair’ deal.
Ugh… why though? Dude, I don’t even use drugs, and I can see where this is going.
He can get you a good deal, and you will take that good deal. Then, because he gave you a good deal, he has siphoned you off as a customer. You will rely on him, and that will burn your other connections. Drug dealers tend to be rather territorial. Then he will raise the price. If he is smart, it will be a little bit at a time, but he might come up with some story about supply being low, or a shipment that didn’t come in. Whatever it is, it will sound good, especially to your drug addled brain. This guy has been good to you, he wouldn’t screw you over, right? But he would, and likely is just setting you up to be a long time customer of his, before he jacks the rate.
He also happened to be an IV user and had a stash of sealed needles and supplies and offered to shoot me up.
Right there. Right there is where you should have known beyond a shadow of a doubt, you are a full blown addict. Never in my wildest dreams have I thought, you know what seems reasonable and rational? Letting some dude, a dude that I really don’t know, and have no reason whatsoever to trust outside of the fact he’s a drug dealer, but especially knowing that and factoring it into the equation, have access to my internal body with a needle to inject me with some unknown substance that he says is heroin. Like… come on… that has to be a wake up call of some sort, but no. Not to you. To you this is like someone offering to do something nice for you. A service, if you will.
Idiot.
I had kind of hoped I would find someone who would…
What the ever loving hell is wrong with you? You wanted a stranger to access your veins because you’re too much of a coward to do it? What?
Moron.
…and he was a pro finding my small hidden veins and injecting a bag in one shot. To quote trainspotting “Take the best orgasm you’ve ever had, multiply by 1000, and you’re still nowhere near it.”
You sound like the internal monologue of those rats that had a food button and an orgasm button, and they starved to death because they wouldn’t leave the orgasm button alone. I mean, they’re nice and everything, but don’t you have anything better to do with your time. What is going to happen when you die, and you look back at this place and see the short gift of time that you had here, and it was largely spent chasing a chemical experience, and nothing real? I mean, you do you, but it’s stupid.
He gave me some new needles and tourniquets and when I got home I tried to do it myself. After not hitting a vein countless times I finally got a red flag and was good to go. I have injected 5 bags since 4pm, the last one a little less than an hour ago and am tempted to do one more. AMA. Forgive me for any delays if I nod off...
Again, what is the timeline here? I know I am expecting accuracy from a guy that is actively injecting drugs into his veins, but this opened with him whining about the withdrawal from shooting up, to him getting over it, going back to it, regretting it, to this Nurse Ratchet drug dealer. What is even happening anymore?
Shall we see some of the advice SpontaneousH thought he was too good for? We shall.
Oh, dear. I’m an IV morphine addict, so I know where you’re coming from. In my opinion, there’s no going back now. You’re going to be in for one hell of a ride. so you found heroin. you know you like it. hell, you love it. like the chase, like the catch, like the high. Opiates are like kissing god. And once you have tried them, there’s no going back. If you don’t clean up now, or clean up soon (within a month), this is what you can expect.
After a few days of continuous use, you will become physically dependent. The withdrawals from opiates are like the high, but turned inside out. Imagine how much pleasure you get when you push the plunger all the way down, and you feel the smack hit your brain, and you just melt. now turn it inside out. you can expect to be pissing out of your ass, freezing cold, yawning non-stop, drippy nose, muscles and bones feel like they’re breaking and spontaneously combusting, no sleep, severe depression and ideas of suicide... the list goes on.
Second, be prepared to lose everything that you have. You will lose your job, your family, your friends, your possessions, your apartment. everything. the longer you keep going, the more you lose. Eventually, once you’ve lost all your possessions in the physical realm, then the smack will take your soul with it.
you will be a cardboard cut-out of your former self. this is exactly how i felt in the depths of using. The lights were on, but nobody was home. Just an empty shell full of smack.
there is a very likely chance that you will die.
there is a very likely chance that you will end up in prison.
there is a very likely chance that you will end up in the hospital.
you will continue to be ripped off to no end. there are no friendly or honest dealers.
you will go places you thought you would never go.
so buckle up, and enjoy the ride. You are now a junkie. Welcome to my life.
Here’s what has helped me.
go to NA. I am an atheist, and I go to NA. keep an open mind and listen to what people have to say. These are likely the only people who will truly understand you, and be able to help you.
don’t hang out with ANY other drug users. This seems really obvious, but I have disobeyed this rule time and time again, and ended up relapsing each time, and each time coming closer and closer to dying.
think about the need to go onto a substitution program. If you find yourself using for a period longer than 6 months, methadone/suboxone may be the best solution to help you resume a normal life and keep that monkey off your back. I have been on suboxone for 1.5 years. it works, if you take it.
Feel free to message me if you want to vent, or ask questions. I know where you are, I know where you’re going. I remember the first time someone shot me up. I didn’t think it was possible to even feel that good.
and for pete’s sake, if you’re using IV, just do it safely. see this , this , and try and find out if there is a syringe exchange program in your city. there, you should be able to get all the supplies you need for free, and anonymously. We have a super excellent program where I live. They will even drive to come meet you.
Feel free to write me for any advice, or just to talk.
good luck, and welcome to the club.
That seems like a pretty well laid out roadmap of a trip I have no interest in taking. If nothing else, that is a lot of my time wasted. I can’t imagine what could possibly be so important to avoid that this seems like a reasonable thing to do in order to make that avoidance happen. Psychopaths do not understand the neurotypical aversion to just handling what needs to be done so we can get to the next thing.
Neurotypicals, you guys will fight doing what the needful thing is, in order to avoid the most minor of emotional inconvenience. Yes, I know, that’s rich coming from someone that doesn’t know what it’s like, but to that I say, you can give it as much of your emotional energy as you like, but appreciate and accept the fact that it is a choice, and making one that services your emotions in the moment causes harm in the long run, and you will find yourself on the hamster wheel of death before long. Best to just handle it.
Another Redditor weighed in:
[deleted]
My question is how strong are you?
The way you talk about it I think she has you already, a heroin addiction can be beaten but it depends on luck and strength.
I used heroin 10 years ago, daily for a period of 2 years. I loved it. I wouldn’t be surprised if I have a taste once or twice more in my life, or some equivalent experience, I have a hankering to smoke some opium at some point.
Anyway, as we all know heroin is a dangerous drug and vastly more dangerous if you are a noob. For example while I was learning the ropes I overdosed 4 times. Fortunately I always used with others at the beginning, they all knew cpr and we all kept an eye on one another. Another thing I had going for me was our supply was entirely pharmaceutical product, so we pretty much knew exactly the strength we were injecting. A few people I knew died though and I consider myself very lucky. If I were doing it alone as you are I would certainly be dead.
Let’s say you get through this stage alive. By now you are a fully fledged junkie, this means you will do what is necessary to get your gear and not be sick, because being sick fucking sucks big time (remember the other scenes in trainspotting?). Securing supply is your full time job, no obsession, the most important thing in the world to you. So important you’ll start to notice how stupid and trusting many people are, and how really easy they are to rip off, or you’ll sell your arse, whatever it takes and whatever con is easiest. In my circle they guys were mainly thieves, the girls mainly sold their bodies. I was a thief.
It all goes downhill after a certain point for a successful junkie (still alive), your tolerance goes through the roof and you only score to not get sick. For example what would have killed me when I started was an eighteenth of what I was having with breakfast at the end. Then lunch, then dinner, perhaps supper. Ultimately you realise something has to stop.
Do you have a support system to help you quit when you are a junkie. I was lucky, my family basically took control of me (with my permission) for 6 months, my parents detoxed me in their house, and then paid 10k for me to attend a 6 week rehab in a beautiful location where they told me that statistically speaking as an IV heroin addict I had a 17% chance at recovery.
But recover I did, through very hard emotional work. There are always significant psychological reasons for addiction. I can’t stress how hard this phase is. As an addict you’ve been ignoring your issues and masking them, running away from them really and they are going to come racing into your super intense clear head, while you are at your lowest weakest point. You have to face them and get over them while you’re also dealing with all the new stuff you’ve created in the last few years, not childhood stuff that you can kind of blame on someone else but malicious actions on your part designed to steal and hurt others. Remember the cunt you were when you were a junkie.
Then you have to make up the lost time, how many years were you a junkie for how much time have you wasted, do you have a degree yet, are you as emotionally mature as potential partners, do you want a family, can you buy a house, have you created lasting health effects (hep c).
10 years later I finally feel caught up.
So how strong are you?
Someone else also replied:
[deleted]
Didn’t you say you weren’t going to use again? For awhile? What changed your mind? Is this alarming?
Have you told your friends/family?
FWIW, seeing your follow up AMA is heart-breaking. I identified with your first one since it reminded me of the first time I did coke, including having to bear similar criticism from friends/family. But I hadn’t used again for weeks, and the last time I did it was nearly a month ago. The contrast is interesting. I assumed heroin would be the same. Follow up AMA implies not. Or that we’re different people. Or that you’re in a more vulnerable place.
Maybe the difference is that I’m discussing my drug use with everyone around me, it’s not this dirty secret and they’ll be early signals that my using could get out of hand (”you’re not coming to your nephew’s birthday because you want to get high/you came to your nephew’s birthday party high?”) Maybe I feel a lot more social pressure to keep it under control. Or maybe heroin really is more serious than coke.
Who knows. I feel for you, stay awhile.
What the hell other dude? You are definitely an addict as well. Who thinks that showing up to family events high, and high enough that people notice, is normal. It is not, and just because you go spates without using it, that changes nothing. You are inflicting other people in your life with your bad choices, and that, keep in mind this is coming from a psychopath, is selfish.
OP•17y ago
Thank you for your support. I can’t tell anyone in my personal life, they wouldn’t understand and it would break their heart. I am going to stop on my own and get support in secret.
There are a few other replies, but I will keep to this one in particular because I think it is a really good point:
[deleted]
Getting help in secret = having the luxury of failing in secret.
I told a few coworkers that I’m using. No doubt it’s getting around the office. Once I did that I stopped coming in late, stopped leaving early, better proof-read my emails, started keeping a calendar, etc. I’m even showering/shaving daily, whereas I used to skip days.
Strangely enough, telling people about my drug use has made me more responsible. It forces me to live up to higher standards. If they see my work take a sink there’ll be no speculation. They’ll know why, and that is what I can’t afford.
When I do make time to do some drugs, knowing I’ll be free and clear of scrutiny (which become rare opportunities after you’ve told everyone), they’re well earned, guilt-free treats.
Okay, not the majority of the reply, but the, getting help in secret means you can fail in secret as well, also the bit about accountability. At least in this passage the guy is understanding that he has to keep an eye on his production at work, because without that, the drug use will be blamed. So, good on him for that, I guess, but the idea that if no one knows your trying, no one can say anything when you fail seems like a fair point to be made. I know of people that will never finish anything. They start things, they make a real effort toward those things, and then when it comes time to finish, they fizzle out at the end.
The other psychopath that I know said this.
“It’s because if they finish they can be judged for what they did. If they never finish, no one can have an opinion about it. It is unfinished, therefore unable to be fairly judged.”
I think that is a waste of time. Why do they care what other people think?
But, they do, and this goes in line with not having to be held to account if the quitting drugs in secret plan goes awry.
SpontaneousH is not done with his journey, but I am done with him for the moment, so we will pick it up next week.
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