We have finally arrived at the conclusion of this story, and believe me, I am more ready than you are to walk away from this dude’s bad decision making. A lot of people in Reddit didn’t want to come down too hard on him, and frankly they probably a good part of why he kept posting about his journey. I think a great deal of this is created by them wanting to feel like they are making the right decisions for themselves.
Reading Spontaneous’ account of his decline probably created a lot of conflicting feelings for those people. Some that made them fearful of their own decisions, so they had to weigh in to make themselves feel better, and those that saw his narrative as being reassuring. He might be in a bad place, but it’s not as bad as it could be, which makes them feel better.
This will be the last post where we go through any more on the Reddit entry. Let’s get into it. Someone in the comments sections asks him what his greatest regret is. He replies:
OP•16y ago
Trying heroin. Then again I was a pothead before that and would have probably become an alcoholic instead and opioids are 1000x more amazing. So I guess my biggest regret is all the financial and emotional stress I’ve put on my family with my use (outpatient rehabs that worked for a few months and many lost semesters at an expensive Ivy League school). Actually my biggest regret might be going there in the first place since that’s where it all started and three years later I changed majors making most of my credits worthless, but I did learn a lot of other things about myself and had some meaningful romantic relationships because of it.
This is the first we are hearing about his family’s attempt to help him, and the numerous stints in rehab. It stands to reason this would be the case, as many addicts have this history of rising and falling with the tides of their drugs, and their family’s trying to empty the ocean with a teaspoon, but he at least acknowledges that he has caused them pain. I do wonder if there is actually anything behind these statements, or if they are just lip service. I find it odd that he would say these things, but also state that he knows that he will relapse again, all the while understanding what that will do to his family. Do those words have any meaning, or are these things said because they are expected? I have my doubts that they have value.
Now, for a moment of sanity. A deleted user had this to say:
[deleted]•16y ago• 16y ago
I just checked your first submission because I read it and I remembered you getting hostile to people who were saying that maybe trying H wasn’t such a great idea. And I’m really glad I did the checking because I found this little gem:
Edit: Please no more comments telling me I’m going to be a homeless addict dying of an overdose now, don’t lecture me with all of your misconceptions and lack of any real knowledge or experience about the drug. I understand if you know someone who has been hurt by it, we all do. Any drug can ruin lives, please ask me questions instead of trying to lecture me and do some research first before spewing lies.
Bet you feel pretty fucking stupid now, don’t you? Sounds to me like your little “once just for fun” turned out to be EXACTLY WHAT PEOPLE WERE WARNING YOU ABOUT. And you didn’t listen to them, you just said “derp herp u dont no me hurrr” and spurted some hand-wavey wishy-washy twaddle about how you knew, you just knew that you could keep it in moderation and it was just this once, really.
And now you’re in a mental hospital with multiple substance abuse issues. Oh yeah, and you fucking died last week. Of a multiple-drug overdose. Which makes this statement that much more amusing:
“Please no more comments telling me I’m going to be a homeless addict dying of an overdose now, don’t lecture me with all of your misconceptions and lack of any real knowledge or experience about the drug.”
Sorry, what was that? I couldn’t quite make it out:
“Please no more comments telling me I’m going to be a homeless addict dying of an overdose now, don’t lecture me with all of your misconceptions and lack of any real knowledge or experience about the drug.”
One more time so I can make sure I’m getting you correctly:
“Please no more comments telling me I’m going to be a homeless addict dying of an overdose now, don’t lecture me with all of your misconceptions and lack of any real knowledge or experience about the drug.”
Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it.
Spontaneous could have gotten upset, but instead he was a bit contrite.
I already tried H when I made the submission, the harm was done. Yes I know I fucked up bad.
His moment of contriteness does not last, however. Other Redditors decide to tell Deleted that he was basically being too mean:
*Different [deleted]•16y ago
Yes, he should have listened; I completely agree with that. However, he just died... Give him a break.
[deleted]•16y ago
I don’t see why I should. Multitudes of posters in all his threads tried to discourage him from this course of action and he either ignored them, was snarky to them or OPENLY HOSTILE to them. He doesn’t deserve a break at this point.
Even more people rushed in to protect Spontaneous from big bad Deleted:
samoyed•16y ago• Edited 16y ago
Welcome to the world of addiction. Nobody takes their first hit hoping to OD eventually. Many addicts have well-meaning support systems that are stronger than reddit, and end up in the same place. Probably the only thing less significant in a person’s life than an internet community advising against something is the same community saying, “I told you so!”
The OP fucked up. He knows it, and we know it. You rubbing salt in his
roomwound isn’t going to change anything.
Deleted wasn’t having it, and responded:
[deleted] •16y ago
Oh yes OP would love someone else coming along, taking his drugs away and telling him “no more”, wouldn’t he? Chances of him going back to old ways as soon as he steps foot out of that psych ward are so high it might as well be considered a surety.
This is his responsibility, his screwup, his mess to fix. And as he’s made it abundantly clear in his other threads that he considers our advice to be inapplicable, “wrong” or just plain “ignorant and inexperienced”, I don’t see why we should give him a damn thing this time around.
Spontaneous leaned into those that were offering him a defense:
Thank you for the support. Haters will hate.
Now, I understand this is not a topic that many people want to be honest with themselves about, and taking Deleted’s words to heart probably wouldn’t have been easy, but it would have been at least honest. Instead, Spontaneous is looking for people to fight his battles for him here. If he were truly feeling shamed by his behavior and looking to change it, the correct response would have been, “Nah, he’s right. I f*cked up, and all of this is on me. I have to get through it and be a better version of myself. No one needs to defend me, because what I have done, how I have lived, and how I lied to myself is indefensible.
But no, that isn’t what we get. We get, I f*cked up, to a point, but when anyone else points to that and makes me feel bad, I need people to back me and tell the meanie to go away. Weak.
One more weigh-in from Deleted is to someone that deleted their comments. You will see snippets of what they had said originally in Deleted’s replay:
deleted]
At least he can say he has actually taken some risks and LIVED, unlike you.
Actually nah, he took the risks, died and then wound up in a psych ward which is pretty much exactly what people said would happen.
Do you think ANYONE who tries heroin, cigs, alcohol, weed, ANYTHING plans on getting addicted?
Did I say that? No, I don’t think I did. See the thing is, heroin is horribly, horribly addictive. This is a well-known fact and there’s very few people who would argue that. It’s practically unparalleled as far as addictive potential goes. Also, it’s referred to as a “gutter drug” for a reason.
People tried to tell OP that and he didn’t listen. People tried to explain it to him, and he said they were being “ignorant” and weren’t “experienced”. Now he’s in a psych ward with multiple substance abuse problems. The people who warned him were right and yet you’re still sitting here defending what he did.
Addicts need enablers. How wonderful for you that you get to be useful for something.
I think Deleted is the voice of reason needed on this thread. I don’t see how it is beneficial to coddle addicts. I understand the argument, they have X, Y, or Z going on, and that should produce some empathy.
Nope.
First of all, I have no empathy, for anyone, but I don’t even see an argument for hand holding when a person is making life decisions that are damaging not only for themselves, but everyone around them. I don’t know why there is an expectation for anyone to have to descend into the depths of madness that are associated with addiction because someone can’t make better decisions.
I understand that family and friends might feel obligated to try and help, but they will be met with anger and derision from the person that is addicted, and most of the time their efforts are met with rage, and give it enough time, theft as well. I simply don’t see where there is a reason to pat the head of a person that has no interest in anything other than their addiction while devouring all available resources that will support said addiction.
Back to Spontaneous H.
People were interested in what support structure was in place to keep him from relapsing. Did he have hobbies, education, anything that he could lean into in order to distract him from the pull drugs would still have.
I have many hobbies and my school is begging me to come back claiming I’m one of the most talented students they have ever seen (design). Not to come off sounding arrogant, that’s just what they told me.
I haven’t touched actual pot in years since it was my first addiction and recently found myself replacing it with synthetic cannabinoids that gave me some nasty side effects, so no I don’t think it could work now if it didn’t then. I don’t think moving and starting over would help, if you want drugs you’ll find drugs.
Well, we already know that’s his plan, don’t we? Not if he relapses, but rather when he relapses, remember?
Also, moving and starting over are actually recommended when trying to kick a habit. However, it is pretty clear that is not his end goal.
It seems someone asks him if this was his first time doing something, but the comment has been deleted. However, the response is interesting, as it gives further insight into what he has been up to for the last several years. The context seems to me to be whether it is his first time on a psych hold:
Second time. The first time I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic after quitting heroin almost exactly a year ago from a week or so from now. I was at a club in the meatpacking district selling some DJ gear to a visiting DJ off craigslist who promised bottle service for me and a couple friends as part of the deal if I delivered it to the club he was working at. My friends bailed so I went anyway and got shitfaced. The guy stole my gear while he had me ejected from the club (which kindly threw me into a cab). I didn’t have much cash and had the brilliant idea of outrunning the driver who chased after me and stole my keys. So I was locked out and freezing (jacket got lost in the process) so I decided to try to seek refuge in one of the university buildings across the street from me in Harlem.
Security found me curled up on an escalator and called an ambulance. I was forced to withdrawal in the psych ER because they weren’t legally allowed to prescribe buprenorphine and I made a scene about it which got me transferred to St. Vincent’s psych ward north of the city. My bupe doctor was actually part of the first hospital one building over and wouldn’t come down and help me, which reminds me I still need to write him some terrible reviews on those rate your Dr. sites. St Vincent’s sucked, they held me for a week, 3-4 people to a room and nasty shared bathrooms. I stayed there maybe 5-6 days before they let me go. I saw and heard a few people put in ‘quiet rooms’ and the psych ER at Columbia was way worse and I saw quite a few restrained and given IM injections in their ass.
This place is a resort in comparison. Another guy just had an AMA as a patient in a psych ward from MA I believe and he said everyone there had laptops. I’m getting my laptop and mini keyboard delivered tomorrow so I don’t have to share with the asian kid on my floor and can work on my music production and make some nasty dubstep with my free time.
There was one crazy screaming bitch here but they just transferred her- they don’t really put up with that sort of thing seeing as this is the ‘luxury unit’.
Someone then asked:
I just read your first post about spontaneously trying heroin. How has your life changed in the year that has passed since that first experience? Was discovering and experimenting with opiates worth all of the trouble?
And here is the last comment from Spontaneous H from sixteen years ago.
The choice to try heroin was spontaneous but the decision to use and my reasons behind it weren’t quite what I originally made it out to be, I know now that I was already in the depths of a manic episode and was scouring the street for coke because of it- heroin was the next step as coke simply sucks. I wasted a couple semesters of school, destroyed a decent romantic relationship (it wasn’t perfect but it was the best I had- we tried to salvage it but I became an addiction for her and I decided to leave her this summer when I relapsed to save her the pain of finding out again), spent thousands and thousands of my own money on drugs, wasted tons of my family’s money on treatment which I feel really guilty about and this is just the beginning, almost died three times now (once on IV coke where I was lucky to wake up on my own after a seizure, twice on fentanyl), I get all sorts of psychedelic flashbacks from a number of triggers, pushed away a lot of friends and family, neglected my real passions where I could have been productive, and on and on. I did have the chance to have a 3-some with two really hot chicks while on speed but I fucked that up since I’m too nice and valued our friendship too much; that might have turned out to be a good choice as I might be going to rehab with one of them. Don’t get me wrong there were plenty of great times but most of it was lonely, I don’t know how much I really regret and if I can come out on the other end of this I think I’ll be glad I experienced most of it since otherwise I would have spent the rest of my life wondering what it’s like on the other side where I’ve been.
I have another chance here but there aren’t going to be many more.
Yeah, I am not buying the, “I’m too nice” claim there, buddy. That seems like a little too much in the way of responsibility dodging, but for the most part, all of this is. To me, this whole post sounds like someone that is far more interested in getting back to their addiction and seeing themselves through tinted glasses, than having any interest at all in being responsible for his actions and changing his ways.
So, what happened to Spontaneous H? We wouldn’t find out for many years. Seven to be exact, where he comes back and gives an update on his life.
SpontaneousH 7 years later. Update for anyone who stumbles upon this account in the future
I don’t know if anyone here remembers me but you can look through my submissions history and get an idea. It’s not pretty and will take you through a journey of my first time trying heroin to my life quickly falling apart. So take that as a warning it’s graphic, I was totally out of my mind, and you may not want to read it depending on where you’re at...
This is the first time I have logged into this account in a couple years and I had a bunch of PMs, and people occasionally mention this account in various places on reddit so I’ll post a quick update here for anyone who stumbles upon this in the future.
I’m now almost six years clean from all drugs and alcohol and life is good.
It’s too difficult for me to go back and even read most of what I originally wrote 7 years ago. Maybe one day I will be able to.
I don’t even remember what I said in the first post but I know I can look back objectively and say that things probably weren’t as good and ‘normal’ before I tried heroin that time as I made it seem in that first post. There were certainly warning signs before that with alcohol, weed, and other things that I had issues with substances although I probably couldn’t admit it to myself at the time. I would have never tried it if things were truly going well for me. What followed in the later posts with where it took me was very real.
Thanks for everyone who has reached out over the years.
I hope everyone here is able to find recovery and get the help they need.
Huzzah for him, right?
Thanks man, to clarify I’m just under 6 years clean. A little over 7 years since I first posted about using on reddit.
And yeah sometimes I get a little down and out of it in recovery, but any problems I have now are nothing in comparison to the clusterfuck that was my life using.
Kind of. I mean, yes, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t some terrible fallout from this. Remember Deleted from the last post, where people were complaining that he was too mean to Spontaneous? I think that Deleted was the singular voice of reason in the long list of terrible choices that Mr. H undertook. Now we will see why Deleted’s perspective was so valuable.
lattes •10y ago•Edited 10y ago
Wow, I can’t believe I’m seeing this. I remember your post very well... I had never considered heroin until I read your post. I kinda want to give you a big FUCK YOU because I can recall how thrilling, curious and excited it made me feel. I agreed with you on everything you said. It actually inspired me to go out and do the same thing... and now I’m here trying to just get past the acute withdrawals and you have 6 fucking years? It’s really been 7 fucking years since that post? I don’t know what else to say... I’m just in shock from seeing this and speechless...
edit: I know I blamed OP for my addiction in my post but I understand that the problem is really me and the result of my own decisions...
Lovely.
Lattes might be lying. It might be a play to make Spontaneous feel like garbage, and generally I would suspect that would be effective. However, it is just as reasonable to assume that he is telling the truth, and has a long road ahead of him. All because Spontaneous decided that internet clout and a desire for people to rah rah his decision to use IV drugs, now there is someone else that is about to travel the same road.
It seems to have the guilt trip effect on Spontaneous:
Sorry man, really.
Yeah it’s crazy that was 7 years ago. I hope you can find the help you need.
Rehab and 12 step saved my life. I got lucky I was desperate and got dumped into a rehab that exposed me to meetings and from there that I got a sponsor and worked the steps. Changed my life and broke the cycle of not being able to stay stopped.
He also clarifies where he is at in life:
Thanks for the kind words.
My life is pretty good today all things considered. I’m still maybe not where I would like to be but looking back I could have just as easily been dead, and I see people dying from addiction around here every day.
I’m very thankful I’m not using now with all the bad drugs and craziness going on.
Hey. I’ve rebuilt all the relationships with my family and all the friends who mattered at least. I think I mentioned an ex girlfriend I put through hell way back then and she wanted nothing to do with me. Tried making an amends a year or so later and she told me I could make it right by never contacting her again. So I didn’t which is all for the best and she is married now.
I’m employed now, I’ve been at the same company almost as long as I’ve been sober.
In a couple of comments he also states what sort of meeting that he is attending to maintain his sobriety, and that’s pretty much it. There are a lot of comments, but he isn’t following up on them. He seems to have moved on with his life, and perhaps the comments section was triggering for him. I have no idea.
We have come to the end of the Spontaneous H saga, and none to soon, I say. The whole reason for this series is to look at the thinking of an addict, and compare it to my own, and I have sort of come to the conclusion that addiction is, by a large part, emotionally motivated. It also makes it clearer to me that there needs to be some definitive way to determine when a person is no longer suffering from the impact of drugs on the brain prior to giving the person any mental health diagnoses. Otherwise it seems to me that you are labeling heroin with a diagnostic code, as though it has a mind.
I am not certain that this narrative about Spontaneous H’s journey has done a great deal to shift my perspective on addiction. However, I have softened a bit on it over the years, largely not due to things like this, but rather the people my friend works with that survived horrific abuse.
Drug use for control is extremely common in some of those situations, and it provides an escape for those that go through those situations. The struggle to kick the addiction, in that context, at least makes me consider that there are in fact times that it may not only be understandable, but rather, preferable. Knowing what I know about their history, I can see why being in a different mindset entirely would be sought after.
In the end, it’s a convoluted subject, and one that I know I lack the real ability to arrive at any conclusions about that would be fair. I can’t experience the emotions that might drive someone to want to escape. I can’t experience the high that they chase. I can’t suffer from withdrawal. I can’t understand the craving. I can’t suffer to those depths, or soar to those heights. All I can do is observe the world that I see without that context that makes that world possible.
I see the outcome and matter of fact of addiction, and cannot imagine that being a decision that would ever be reasonable or logical. It isn’t something that I can understand. While I can state without a doubt that I don’t perceive any circumstances that would ever make it something interesting to me, but I can also say that I know enough to know, I don’t know what I am talking about.
Does that lessen my judgment when I hear about an addict robbing their family? No. I doubt anything will. I see addiction as rarely an affliction, and often a choice. I get that is harsh to many, but if I can live my life not having emotional empathy and not caring what people think, and decide to that the world I want to live in is a good one, and that I create the world in which I want to live, it is difficult for my brain to offer up excuses for people that would rather escape their feelings, chase a new feeling, or both, rather than not be a total drain on the world. People often say that we need to have more empathy for those that are in the dire hell of addiction, but I have yet to see that make a slight alteration to the reality of it.
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