If you’re like me, you may feel that January has lasted 31 months. I have a lot to say about the state of our democracy and how to live in it, but we can save that for another day. For today, I am grateful that I get to go somewhere warm in a couple of weeks. And f*ck 🧊.
Let’s get to some three-sentence answers (and, yes, I let some of those sentences go on and on with em dashes and parentheses and semicolons 🤷🏻♀️)!
A tune to set the mood…..
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Guilt-Tripping Mother
Q.
My 82-year-old Mom—who is mentally with it—hangs up on me if I don’t drop everything and come over immediately when she needs help. It’s been this way most of my life. Tonight she called—her car wouldn’t start, and she needed pet food. I had just gotten out of the shower and was expecting company shortly.
When I told her I couldn’t come over right away, she hung up on me. Ugh, the guilt I feel when this happens! She texted that a neighbor was helping her.
How can I stop feeling the guilt?
A.
Many, many years ago, when I expressed my feelings of guilt to my therapist about, well, everything, he said, “All that guilt—it’s unexpressed anger,” and while I resisted this idea initially, it was a life-changing piece of information to incorporate into my life.
You mentioned that it’s always been this way (this does not surpsie me as some of us our conditioned as children to appease, to morph, to bend so as not to disappoint anyone,) and I am here to tell you that your mother’s reactions—to your very reasonable boundaries of when and how you can help—are not your responsibility nor your problem.
The next time this happens, consider the idea that your guilt is anger turned inward and that you have nothing to feel guilty about.
My Husband Won’t Accept Our Son’s Girlfriend
Q.
My son is dating a trans woman. My husband doesn’t believe in this and will not attend any function the girlfriend attends. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to talk to my husband about just not talking to the girlfriend, but he is refusing to listen. Please help me.
A.
I have often heard married folks with kids say that they will stand by their spouse no matter what, even when they’re wrong, and I’ve never understood that because I would want to know if I were acting out of pocket, and I could not be in a relationship where I had to indiscriminately back up my partner’s stance, no matter how shitty their stance is.
Your husband can choose to not believe in your son’s girlfriend’s identity or existence all he wants (I will never understand this), but that doesn’t make her—a living, breathing human in a relationship with your son—any less real.
Stop trying to change your husband (forcing him to attend an event where he's going to be an asshole is not fun for anyone) and put your love and energy toward your kid and the woman he loves (your man can carry that prejudiced energy alone; it’s not your job to coddle a bigot, even if you’re married to him).
Sharing a Bed at “Hunting Camp”
Q.
Hi Erin,
My husband (mid-50s) belongs to a “shared cabin/hunting camp” in the mountains. We also have an RV that we park there in the summer months.
He has been allowing our family friend (age 21) to sleep in bed with him in the RV when she is there. I have told him SEVERAL times that I don’t want anyone sleeping in there, mainly because I am a clean freak and don’t want anyone using my bedding besides me.
I don’t AT ALL believe there is anything inappropriate between them, but I still don’t think any middle-aged man should share a bed with a 21-year-old, especially when there is a cabin full of available beds. I have told my husband that I disapprove of this and that I don’t want anyone in the RV, but he continues to disrespect my request.
Your thoughts???
A.
My thoughts are that I would not be comfortable with my husband sharing a bed with a 21-year-old (my husband would not be comfortable with me doing that either), and there is a cabin with available beds!!
Your husband has been and continues to be disrespectful to you, and this would be dealbreaker territory for me (my threshold for fuckery like this is low).
Even if nothing is physically happening (maybe/yet) between them, he’s willing to damage his marriage to continue having this young woman share his bed at “hunting camp”—I say HELL NO.
Until next time… XOXO
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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