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Very very very happy about the weather in NYC this week (Please don’t go away!). On to some questions, answered in three sentences….

Hello!

I am a member of my church choir (smallish, 10-12 women and 6-7 men). I am also one of three in the choir who play the flute in services on occasion.

Recently, the other two flutists have appeared to play for various pieces as if I had been forgotten. After three or four instances like this, I feel hurt/embarrassed/ashamed/slighted/angry that no one has asked me about it or even mentioned it.

I feel I should take a break from choir to mend my hurt feelings.

How do I move forward without making a colossal deal of it and making it worse?

More often than not, in situations like this, it is a lack of awareness on the other person’s part.

Ask the choir director privately if there’s been a scheduling mix-up, as you’ve noticed you haven’t been included.

Taking a break without saying anything won’t make you feel better or solve anything; it’ll just leave the wound open.

A friend has asked me over for dinner and a movie.

I have been to their house before. I have also cleaned their floors annually for the last two years. Their toilet is always dirty. When they have come to my house and used the bathroom, the hand towel for drying hands after washing is DRY. Not used.

I do not want to accept their invitation.

How do I handle this?

First, I get why you don’t want to hang out in the dirty house, and it is totally fine to decline the invitation(s) without explanation (if this were someone I was very close to, I would broach the subject from a place of concern).

If you want to sustain this friendship, suggest out-of-the-house dates.

Your question made me think of the Friends episode “The One with the Dirty Girl,” in which Rebecca Romijn played a hot, smart scientist with a really dirty apartment—eww.

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A year ago, I got my dream job. All was going great until the place was robbed a week ago.

I was the first to arrive. Shortly after I opened shop, a man came in with a gun and demanded cash. I cooperated and hoped that was it, but he marched me to the back and tied me up. He bound my hands and feet with zip ties, then tied my hands to my feet so that I couldn’t stand or hop around. For good measure, he stuffed a sock in my mouth and wrapped so much tape around my head I thought I was going to suffocate.

I was stuck there for an hour before two female coworkers found me. Most humiliating, another girl came to work as the first two called the cops, and struggled to untie me. Because they were zip ties, they couldn’t just free me; they had to use scissors. I felt ridiculous, all tied up while they stood over me. It took them 20 minutes to get me loose.

Word has spread at work, and I feel like everyone is looking at me differently. I don’t want to leave this job, but at the same time, I can’t stand the thought of going back.

Am I always just going to be remembered as getting bound and gagged?

You experienced a violent crime that was in no way your fault (and only a week ago!), and it is completely understandable that you would feel like you don’t want to return to the place it happened.

Please know that your coworkers are not judging you (and if they are, they can f*ck off); it is more likely that they recognize what a terrifying experience you endured and don’t know what to say (I really hope your employer is offering some guidance and support here).

You are living in the aftermath, and I strongly suggest you speak with a trauma-informed therapist or consider a support group for victims of violent crime (if you email me, I can send you region-specific resources, but there are also ways to get help online, such as Victim Connect).

Choir Drama, a Dirty Toilet, and Armed Robbery

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