A Lot Happens in 23 Years and 18 Days

For years, I erased my recovery date (March 5, 2003) from my memory. Maybe I was superstitious, thinking that marking time—the way I had in the years of relapsing through 12-step meetings—would trip me up. So I always (mostly) focused on the recovery I had on any given day, in the present. Which I suppose is truly living in recovery “one day at a time.”

This amount of time is wild. Maybe because I have written and spoken so much about my years of active addiction, they feel both close and very far. What is more accurate is that I consciously hold onto the younger versions of myself. Not in a stuck-in-the-past way, but in a way that recognizes how every Erin I have been has made me who I am today. I am not perfect. Far, far from it! But I am at peace with who I am. I am proud of much of what I have accomplished, and I am working on the parts that still struggle—ego, patience, control, acceptance.

I wasn’t going to write anything this year to commemorate the day. I figured what else could I say that I hadn’t said here or here. But then I thought about what a brutal year 2025 was for me (heck, for many of us!) and how, despite that, my gratitude for another year has not diminished; it has expanded.

In early recovery, every day felt precarious. I was a new mom, learning how to be an adult, learning how to take care of a baby and myself, determined to be here, to stay. Sometimes the best I could do was want to want to be here. Now, even on my worst days, even when I am stuck in the fog of ideation, I want to be here. And I did not arrive here overnight.

The world feels scary right now (for me, at least; maybe for some of you, too). But my place in it is not scary. I am not lost. I am not running. I am not shackled by shame. And that is pretty damn awesome.

All of those relationships and interactions, however brief, taught me things, forced me to grow (even when I didn’t want to). And I do not mean this in a toxic-positivity-there-is-a-reason-for-everything way. Time and age and growth bring perspective.

I’ll be back to regular programming later this week, but I wanted to acknowledge the years that have passed and the person I am today because of and despite every moment, even the most painful ones. It is impossible to feel awash in gratitude all the time. Some days I feel like I am failing at every role in my life—mother, wife, friend, daughter, writer, advocate. Some days, I feel angry to be here now, witnessing this timeline. But more days than not, I can get there—remember where I came from, who I was, and who I am today. I hope I’ve made the little girl in that pic up there proud. I’d like to think I have. 

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