Phew, the past month has been busy, busy, busy (more on that later). In case you don’t get the reference above, Some Kind of Wonderful is an 80s classic teen flick about this guy in high school who’s trying to woo the popular girl, but—SPOILER—the real connection exists between him and his tomboy best friend, who happens to play chauffeur when he goes on his big date with the popular girl.
For now, let’s dive into a few new questions.
Hi Erin,
I have this friend I used to be close with. We kinda grew apart.
I never hear from him now. Except if he wants a ride to or from the airport.
Two months can go by, and I never hear from the guy, then he will call out of the blue and ask for a ride to the airport. He lives in NYC, but has a condo here. He flies in and out every month, sometimes more frequently.
I feel I’m being used. He’s never offered to pay for gas or anything.
The next time he calls, should I tell him no?
I am not sure where you live, but I can tell you that, having grown up in Los Angeles and lived in NYC for many years now, an airport ride is a BIG ask (I mean, can’t this guy take an Uber or Lyft or taxi????).
That said, he is not a mind reader (and perhaps willfully ignores your resentment), so you need to set a boundary with him that is clear and neutral.
The next time he calls, say, “Sorry, I don’t do airports anymore; when I travel, I reserve an Uber in the app with my flight number.”
Hey Erin,
I am involved in a group that meets regularly. In this group, there is one individual who flirts with my husband in front of me. I believe she does it to get a rise out of me.
In a couple of weeks, I will be in the company of these people. I know she’s probably annoyed with me, since people witnessed her blatantly forwarding comments to my spouse. I’m not sure how to approach this situation.
Do I confront her and say I would like her to stop disrespecting me, which might make her do it more? Should I act like it doesn’t faze me in the least and blow her off? Should I move my seat, knowing she may just sit near me? I don’t know.
I’d like your take on this!
Btw, I’ve been married to my husband for over 40 years, and we have a good marriage, BUT he’s reluctant to tell her to stop because he hates confrontation.
(I am so curious what this group is, but that is neither here nor there; and, no, this doesn’t count as one of the three sentences!)
The most important behavior in this scenario is your husband’s; it is HIS job to set a boundary with this woman, and he can do so clearly.
He can tell her that it makes him (and you) uncomfortable when she acts flirtatiously with him.
Neither of you has any control over her actions and words, BUT, in my experience, changing one’s response will force the other person (hopefully) to get a clue and alter their behavior.
Thanks for reading Ask Erin! This post is public so feel free to share it.
Hi Erin!
In high school, I moved across the country, met a decent guy, and we became friends. He always wanted more, and I never did. We stayed friends through college.
We were always able to talk and laugh with ease. Even when we were mad, we could talk and agree to disagree. Everyone tried to get me to see he was “my person,” but I wasn’t interested in anything but friendship.
Through the years, we drifted apart. We Facetimed each other occasionally and had dinner or drinks sometimes. We were always able to pick up where we left off. Easy. Fun.
Both of us are now married with kids. We complained about our spouses. About six years ago, we started texting a lot. Like omg teenager a lot. Every day. Lots of texts every day. Five-ish years ago, he started suggesting we meet up. We live four hours apart, so he suggested meeting halfway. I knew he wanted “more,” but he said we would meet as “just friends.”
I finally agreed. It was incredibly nice. Talking. Catching up. We went for a walk. Easy. Breezy. Even the silence. We ended up in a hotel room.
We have been meeting almost every month now in a hotel room. We have each tried to end it once before, but couldn’t make it last. We missed each other.
He’s due to retire in June 2027, which will end this. I think I’m in love with him. Losing him breaks my heart. I think about ending it now, and it makes me so sad. He still occasionally mentions divorce. I tell him I want him to find his happiness, and he makes broad statements like “there are many ways to find happiness.”
What do I do?
You have been in an affair for the last five years (a significant amount of time), which is unfair to your marriage, your partner, and yourself, and unfortunately, you will both likely face some emotional distress in whatever way this ends.
If you want to be together, give your spouses the dignity of letting them go, so that they may find people who want to be with them.
If you have no intention of divorcing, I still think you owe your spouse honesty and a way for you both to unravel how you got here (in therapy, couples and individual).
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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