YOUR MOM #3: "Our relationship felt like running a marathon without ever crossing the finish line."

Hello and welcome to YOUR MOM, where we’re clocking real relationships people have with their mothers and the real feelings they have about them.

Here’s a little more about this series, why it’s helpful, and some of my story.

Want to tell us about your mom? Share your story here. It’s as anonymous as you want to be :)

Emmy, 36

My stepmother entered my life when I was four, and our relationship always felt conditional. She often used shame and religion to manipulate my brother and me. She demanded control, and I learned how to use hypervigilance to respond to her to survive. Unfortunately, that may have contributed to some physical illnesses I’m still recovering from.

Basically, my relationship with my stepmom felt like running a marathon for 25 years without ever crossing the finish line.

Today, we are no-contact and have been for the last few years. She hasn’t attempted to reach out or take any accountability. I feel at peace with my decision to stop communicating.

When my daughter was born in 2016, she cracked me open. I was overwhelmed by the unconditional love I felt for her, recognizing that I had never experienced such an intense feeling. She gave me purpose. I wanted to be the best version of myself for her.

Up to that point, I knew I could be a bit of a toxic friend and partner at times. I think it’s partially because the example my stepmother and father set influenced how I formed relationships. Also, I didn’t have great self-esteem or confidence, which I’m sure didn’t help.

My healing process started with the birth of my daughter, and, at 36, I’m just starting to get to know myself. The work I’ve done has helped me change my core beliefs about myself, the world, and the human experience. I’m grateful to know my upbringing is not my blueprint. I am determined to evolve, continuing to shed the parts of me that are unhelpful.

“I was overwhelmed by the unconditional love I felt for her, recognizing that I had never experienced such an intense feeling.”

Becoming a mom saved my life, and I have healed pieces of my little self through loving unconditionally. But I’m still learning how to take care of myself. Therapy, saying “no” more often, and trying to stay present have helped me appreciate stillness and see the magic of this life through my daughter’s eyes.

I have empathy for my stepmom. I have empathy for the younger version of her who eventually turned into the person who was cruel to my sibling and me. I feel proud of myself for cultivating that empathy too.

I’ve also learned to set boundaries and to detach from the toxic relationship I had with her.

You’ve survived the days you didn’t think you could. If you can survive the abuse, you will get through the healing. Keep going. I’m proud of you.

If your relationship with your mom is rooted in toxicity, abuse, control, or conditional love, I’m sorry you didn’t receive the love and emotional support you deserve.

You get to decide what you choose to carry. If it’s too heavy, put it down, sit with it, and find a good therapist to help unpack the burden you’ve been carrying.

These quotes have been edited for clarity and length.

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