Hello and welcome to YOUR MOM, where we’re clocking real relationships people have with their mothers and the real feelings they have about them.
Here’s a little more about this series, why it’s helpful, and some of my story.
Want to tell us about your mom? Share your story here. It’s as anonymous as you want to be :)
Share Motherf*cked (The Emotional Support Newsletter)
Debra
How would you describe your relationship with your mom at its worst point so far?
The worst point was ironically also the best.
For my entire life, my mother has called or texted whenever she wants and expects me to be available to her, with no regard for what might be going on in my life. She has never stated it out loud, but my sister and I have both felt it.
When I finally decided to set a boundary with her, I asked her to text before calling unless it’s an emergency. Then I can let her know if it’s a good time or when might be better. Her response was two weeks of the silent treatment, which I got many times during childhood, followed by an explosive, angry tirade of how hurt she is and a threat to never call me again if texting first is required.
I explained that texting first will make me feel better. I asked whether my needs matter to her, and she said they do not. She said she “deserves access” to me because she is my mother.
She said the quiet part out loud. To her, I serve a function. I am the Daughter, and she is the Mother, and I do not really matter.
It was the worst point in my relationship with her because, for the first time, I could see this is who she has always been. My mother sees me as an extension of her, not as a real person with my own needs.
But the worst point was also the best because, for those two weeks when she ghosted me, I got my first break from her in 54 years. I felt SO much better. It was a gift to get a glimpse of life without her.
What are some of your biggest struggles with your mom?
She has no empathy. Last summer, I went through a major depression. I hadn’t planned to tell her because she’s never been a source of emotional support, but my birthday was coming up, and I didn’t think I could manage the obligatory birthday dinner with my parents.
So I told her that I’d been so depressed that I couldn’t leave my apartment. Her response was to ask why I didn’t give her the tickets for an event I missed earlier because of my depression. No joke.
She expressed zero concern and never asked me about the depression again. She has compassion and doesn’t actively want people to suffer, but she cannot put herself in another person’s shoes.
How did your relationship with your mom impact your life outside of the time you spent with them?
Not to sound too dramatic about it, but my relationship with my mother has impacted every area of my life. My choices have largely been dictated by looking for external approval. I had low self-esteem and believed my needs do not matter for decades.
Since I was young, my mother made it clear who she expected me to be: straight and happy. A “nice” Jewish girl who marries a Jewish man, is never depressed or sad, and has no needs, etc.
I now know that I’m a highly sensitive person, but I had to bury that part of myself at a young age. I had to pretend to be someone else. It led to a painful life of chronic overstimulation and depression.
Even I believed my false self was the real me. I never had any interest in getting married, but I knew it was something I was supposed to do. I met someone who is in no way a suitable partner for me in my forties, and married him. I was miserable.
I’m now happily divorced. Though hurting my ex, who was a sweet person, was the hardest and most painful thing I’ve ever done, I now feel a million times better.
How did you start to address those problems?
I tried everything to get to the bottom of my depression, like therapy, antidepressants, meditation, books, and courses, but nothing helped until I figured out I’m a highly sensitive person. That’s when it all clicked into place, and I was able to question my beliefs and make changes. I was able to show up as myself.
What did you learn about yourself during this process? What did you learn about your mom?
I learned that my mother, at the very least, has narcissistic tendencies. She completely lacks empathy. This learning has been a huge gift. I finally have had the space to objectively reflect on my childhood and life.
I can see that I experienced emotional neglect and have C-PTSD. I also learned that I am not doomed to be depressed my whole life. I experienced separation from my mother for the first time, and I’m getting to know the real me. It’s the best!
“Not to sound too dramatic about it, but my relationship with my mother has impacted every area of my life.”
How would you describe the way you’re feeling about yourself and your relationship with your mom now?
Now that I’ve seen the truth about my mother, I can never unsee it, and that is a gift. If she and I were younger (she is in her 80s), I would go no contact, but it would cause such an upheaval in our family that it’s not worth it.
My sister and I are very involved in caring for my parents and disabled brother, and we are partners to each other in all of it. Going no contact with my parents would mean abandoning my sister to care for them on her own. So I use tools to take care of myself when I have to see my mother. I make visits time-bound, I use a cord-cutting meditation after spending time together, and I take bathroom breaks during visits to breathe and run my hands under cold water.
What would you say to the version of yourself at the beginning of this process?
I would tell myself to start working this out sooner. I’d say that I am worthy of love and care, just like every human being, and I have a right to stand up for myself. I deserve to be treated with respect.
Anything else you want to say to someone struggling with their relationship with their mom?
When you set a boundary with your mother—perhaps for the first time ever—you might experience feelings of guilt. This is common, especially for people who always prioritize other people’s needs. Show yourself compassion and remind yourself why you are setting the boundary. The feelings of guilt can dissipate over time.
These quotes have been edited for clarity and length.
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