So it’s time for another round of Mother’s Day weekend. If you found me from my book or something I wrote, hi!
This year marks the third Mother’s Day that I’ve been low-contact with my mom. The first was in 2024, almost a year after I blocked her number, emails, and Facebook messages. At that point, I had already endured the hardest parts of distancing myself from my mom. I didn’t call on her birthday or on Thanksgiving. When I saw her that Christmas, it was awkward, but we both survived.
Five months later, I still dreaded the day. I suspected that reaching out would give the impression that we were fine. Famously, we are not fine.
I knew we had different definitions of what a good relationship looks like, and she did not make an effort to address the list of pain points I shared with her. I didn’t want a text, phone call, or Mother’s Day card to imply that she can have everything she wants from our relationship while giving nothing back. (Also, is there a card for The Mom Who Doesn’t Get Why You Haven’t Spoken in Almost a Year Even Though You Told Her Many Times? That’s probably an oxymoron, actually.)
Thus, I did nothing. Instead, I stayed in my feelings most of the day, as one does, and tried to avoid the outdoors. I didn’t want to Grinch on everyone’s Mother’s Day festivities or vice versa. By the afternoon, I thought the worst of it was over, but then my dad texted. He wanted me to message my mom because it would “mean a lot to her.”
And I knew he was right. Texting her would mean a lot. It would probably reassure her that everything was fine and make her feel better. Then, she could go on assuming she did nothing wrong because I reached out to acknowledge that she is my mom, and I’m wishing her a great day.
I feel a little self-conscious here. I want to clarify that I don’t want my mom to be unhappy or feel unloved. I just don’t want to fake Mother’s Day blessings when I don’t feel that grateful for our relationship.
I spent a long time re-reading my dad’s text to myself and to my husband. I worried that I was the asshole here. I also did not want to undo all the work I’d done in the last year.
Eventually, I told my dad that this day is hard for me too, a thing I don’t think he realized. I imagine that, in his mind, I was just pissed off and trying to inflict harm on my mom like the rage-y teenager I never was.
In reality, I needed space to grieve the mom I never had. I needed to hear my own voice louder than the sound of my actual mom’s. I don’t think my dad realized that Mother’s Day isn’t just about moms. It’s also a moment when kids are obligated to acknowledge how great their mom is—or isn’t.
My dad said he was sorry I was having a hard time. I appreciated that. The next Mother’s Day, I turned my phone off. It’s a Mother’s Day tradition I intend to keep for now.
I’m sharing this because the second Sunday in May can make some of us feel like garbage. The high vibes of people out with their families, Instagram captions, and Mother’s Day shopping emails are too bright when juxtaposed with your/my/our darker emotions.
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You may feel like you’re the only one who doesn’t want to celebrate. You may even feel guilty for those feelings. Let me just say, the emotions are real, and you’re not alone.
After getting their permission, I’m sharing some bits from the good people who sent their mom stories to me while I reported for my book. I hope they make you feel seen on this weird weekend (thank you for inspiring me, Lauren B.!)
On their biggest struggles with their moms:
“Getting her to see me as a person who has pain and needs, someone who needs to be mothered is my biggest struggle.”
“When there were conflicts, there was no way to really repair. I never heard an apology growing up when I expressed that I was hurt by her behavior and criticism.”
“My biggest issue is trying to reach my mom and form a real connection past just, ‘How’s the weather?’ When asking exploratory questions, I’m typically met with a defensive reaction. It’s also been difficult setting expectations correctly. I want her to be curious about my life, my wants, needs, friends, partners, etc. But the curiosity just isn’t there.”
“A big issue revolved around me being mixed race and her being white. She could not and would not support me on my journey to reclaim my Asian heritage, and it was deeply upsetting. She was defensive. Everything came down to, “Are you saying I was a bad mom???” She is wildly misattuned and, instead of having any type of meaningful conversation, she defaults to random GIFs via text.”
“Having my own needs, expressing opinions that differed from hers, setting boundaries, and doing anything that she did not agree with led me to a double life, where I hid my authentic self from my family.”
On what people would say to their younger selves:
“I’d tell my younger self, you don’t owe shit to anyone to be loved. You are lovable just because you exist. No amount of weight loss, grade point average, or pretty dresses will make someone love you more, and if it does…run. Kidding, but that’s not real love. Real love doesn’t require begging.”
“This is hard work, and people avoid it for a reason. It sucks to go deep and feel pain that was sown when you were too young to remember. But doing this work and getting to the other side doesn’t just change your relationship with your mom, but it changes your relationship with yourself. You will feel lighter, freer, smarter, and like you’re not carrying a ton of bricks that you didn’t know were strapped to your back. I feel a level of resolve I didn’t realize I needed.”
“Finding answers to other people’s behavior will not heal you. You can heal without those answers.”
“It’s okay to feel this hurt and confused, but lean into the positive relationships you have. Start practicing acceptance of what you have and who people are.”
“You are capable of being a good mom. Your mom’s inability to love you is not an indicator of your worth. You are nothing like your mom. Don’t give up, you deserve good things.”
As a treat for reading this far, I bring you links to helpful things.
I wrote this piece on why I quit faking a relationship with my mom on Mother’s Day for PopSugar.
This Instagram post from one of my favorite therapists (who I interviewed for my book) talks about why we hold on to the bright spots in otherwise crappy relationships with our moms. This one really hits.
This gal who turns her mom’s manipulative texts into emo songs
This podcast explains narcissism with the help of psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula
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