It’s so exciting to see so many of you here! If we haven’t met, I’m Ashley, a health and wellness journalist, editor, and the author of Motherf*cked: How to Keep Your Mother’s Toxic Drama From Ruining Your Life.
I went off the grid last week and recalibrated my brain to post-book promo life, and I’m coming back online at dial-up speed.
After Mother’s Day, Sean, my husband, received a text from my mom. In case you missed it, my mom and I are low-contact. I’ve blocked her number to avoid any sneak attack texts or calls, and it’s been helpful in getting space and perspective. Sean has kindly agreed to be my buffer.
While he was out of town on a work trip, Foxy (a nickname for my mom) texted Sean to let him know she didn’t get a Mother’s Day card from me. She added that she hoped that “Ashley’s book does well and she can forgive me.”
At first glance, especially if you aren’t caught up on the details of our relationship, this reads a little sad. The woman just wants a card! She wants me to have success! She wants to be forgiven. All very reasonable asks, honestly.
But when I read the message, it made me laugh. I laughed out loud again when I thought about it later and again when I repeated it to someone over coffee.
I’ve written about why I don’t celebrate my mom on Mother’s Day, and why sending a text or a card feels fake, pointless, and unnecessary to me. This message from her justified all of those feelings. The clarity that brought, along with the hypothesis, If my child sells enough books, then she will forgive me, made me LOL.
Her message also sparked a realization: I have forgiven her. I don’t hate her guts, I’m not avoiding her as punishment or to make her see my side of our relationship. I’m not even angry.
Maybe it’s weird that I haven’t spent much time mulling over what forgiveness means in my relationship with my mom. Perhaps it never came up because she never took accountability, other than to say that she was sorry I was upset or some variation of that. An “I’m sorry that I blah blah blah,” from one party is easily chased with an, “It’s OK, I forgive you,” from another. Without that first part, though, the second doesn’t come so naturally.
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Going low-contact has given me enough distance to let go of all the shit that went down between us. I still think about and share some of those moments because the absurdity is funny to me. Still, accepting our relationship as it stands and how that will affect the rest of my life means that I don’t hold a grudge. It fucking is what it is, you know?
There was never a moment when I felt the need to give a speech, write an email, or call to inform her that she is forgiven. Even so, I reserve the right to go in peace—and I plan to keep doing that.
Foxy’s message to Sean validates that decision. Putting the onus of reconciliation on me, Jeff Bezos, and the number of books sold is an anti-accountability maneuver I didn’t see coming. And I’m impressed.
To me, this text is just more evidence that she’s unwilling to revisit her behavior or my feelings. It also seems that she defines forgiveness as going back to the way things were before I stopped calling, when I pretended this relationship was worth celebrating. When I sent a Mother’s Day card that glossed over what was really going on between us.
I hope I don’t come off as too much of an asshole here. I do empathize with my mom. I know there are reasons she is the way she is, and I wish things were different.
Sometimes, a reality check, especially when the Mother’s Day hype makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong, is exactly what you need. I’m grateful she came through with the realness.
Question: How are you all recovering from Mother’s Day now that we’re a few weeks out? Are you still dealing with the repercussions, or has it been easier than you thought? Do tell in the comments!
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