You Are Not A Hammerhead Shark

You are not a hammerhead shark.

“Duh, Ashia. I know that. Hammerhead sharks can’t read email. But sharks are cool and I want to know what you’re talking about.” - You, Probably.

Okay okay let me explain.

Maybe you’ve heard that even when you’re too overwhelmed to take action, the least we can do is bear witness to the horrors. For awareness! So long as we are properly informed about everything that’s going on, we can avoid making things worse. And one day, we’ll get a burst of insight and formulate the perfect plan to end injustice once and for all!

I heard that early on and so I bore the heck out of that witnessing and consumed all the horrors that crossed my path. It felt awful - but it’s supposed to feel awful, right? Learning about oppression and our role in it cracks us open so the light can get through.

Which yes! Bearing witness so we can know what’s going on is important and helpful!

To a point. Until you hit a wall of diminishing returns. Refusing to scroll away as you watch children in cages, civilians bombed, fathers sobbing over tiny shrouds - post after post, equipping us nothing but horror and no insight on what to do about it.

If you’re already aware of the problem - at what point can you shut off your phone and say ‘I’ve heard enough, now it’s time to do something about it.’

So we DO ACTION! We show up to meetings. We persuade people with power. We redistribute and amplify and educate. Then we do more - we keep signing and calling and rallying and marching and pushing and campaigning and donating and boycotting and giving care and showing up.

Again yes! Even the smallest action to take control over this shitty situation is better than wallowing in an inertia spiral. These tiny actions make slightly harder actions feel less daunting. This is how we build courage. This is how we participate in collective liberation. If even a small fraction of society pushes together - well you’ve seen the miracles humans create when we pull together.

Now instead of being told to bear witness, my feed is full of the next step on the Pokemon evolution of activism - from bearing witness to ‘action is the antidote to despair.’

Action is so important, and so helpful! To a point.

Capitalism and hustle culture has taught us that it’s normal and moral to spend as much time Doing Productive Action as super-humanly possible. That we prove our worth by finding ourselves laid out and completely depleted.

We believe that only after Absorbing All The Horrors and then Doing All The Action and Solving All The Injustice will you earn the right to rest.

This is some supremacist bullshit.

As I said, you are not a hammerhead shark. Hammerhead sharks can’t stop moving because they are ram ventilators - they have to keep swimming to ram more water into their gills. If they stop moving, they suffocate and die.

But you are not a hammerhead shark. You are a mammal. Mammals need to lie down and rest to maintain the lungs you use to shout and the limbs you use to march and the brain you use to write persuasive emails to your city councilor.

In fact, you’re not just a mammal - you’re a predator. As my friend Della says, it’s normal for predators to slow down for long stretches of time. “We’re designed to do what we need to do, and then sit back.”

(Even vegans are predators. I once tracked, hunted, and devoured an entire head of kale chips and then needed half a day to recover.)

In a world full of tired, ineffective folks gorging themselves on horror and busywork - be a predator who hunts bigots with stealth and precision.

You can use brave spaces to recognize when it’s time to shift. And none of it requires listening to some outrage farmer on the internet.

We want to raise self-aware kids who know how (and when) both to heal, and to grow - yes?

It’s very, very difficult to do these things in isolation, which is why your kids need your help as they learn to self-regulate. The same thing goes for you - learning how to shuttle between losing your shit and collecting your marbles - this work is impossible without folks to practice alongside.

In our workshops, I map the concept of Brave Spaces (coined by educators Brian Arao and Kristi Clemens in 2013), into a tidy little diagram to help me identify when I’m veering dangerously close to dysregulation and am about to lose my shit and ruin things for everybody.

When we’re dysregulated, it’s not just okay to take a break from listening, doing, and giving. We’re in panic mode - it’s impossible to do these things.

It’s our responsibility to head back into our comfort zone so we can gather our marbles, sharpen our blades, and assess what we need to grow.

By shuttling back and forth between the growth zone and recovering in our comfort zone, we learn to stretch our growth zone and avoid rocketing into the danger zone at the first twinge of discomfort, where do shit we regret.

Remember from our series on sabotage? An easy way to excuse doing shitty work is to keep your tools dull and rusty. Don’t be a shitty collaborator - sharpen your tools when they need it.

We cover this in the Busy Parent’s Guide To Getting Shit Done. But if you’re not joining us this year, here’s a brief overview on how to identify when you’re in each zone:

DANGER ZONE

Signs: Defensiveness, resentment, racing heart, sweating, difficulty responding, panic, shutdown

You might notice you’re in the danger zone when you feel burnt out, paralysis, avoidance, or dysregulation. You might find yourself unable to take action, lashing out, screaming, freezing up, or resorting to coping behaviors that have kept you safe in the past.

When you’re in the Danger Zone, you can’t heal, grow, or learn. Your body is in protection mode. If you feel that the topic of conversation is sending you into the danger zone, you can ask to pause the conversation to give you a moment to self-regulate. You can step away or leave early. The biggest gift you can give to yourself, your comrades, and your kids, is to care for yourself so you don’t become a danger to yourself or others as a result of losing your shit in this space.

GROWTH ZONE

Signs: Feeling uncomfortable, guilty, excited, energetic, curious, leaning forward, slower or faster breathing, open shoulders, tingling, increased focus

Contrary to what you may have been taught by capitalism - the growth zone is not your ‘ideal’ zone. The same way the danger zone is a gift that teaches you to keep yourself safe, and the comfort zone is a place where you can heal, the growth zone is a gift for learning and expanding.

If 100% of your life is spent in the growth zone, you’ll find yourself contributing to our capitalist hellscape. Unchecked growth is just cancer. Add to that - the growth zone can be profoundly uncomfortable. Try 24/7 cramming, with no naps and no snack breaks, and you’re going to fail when it’s time for a test.

COMFORT ZONE

Signs may be covered with a sense of guilt, shame, or uneasiness if you’ve been taught that rest is bad. Otherwise: ease, inspiration, joy, interest, flow. Relaxed shoulders, easy breathing, smiling, feeling safe, relaxed muscles, settled tummy. Focus on what you’re doing, unbothered by how you’re being perceived by others.

During the Summer Luminator, a busy time of learning, brainstorming, and deep reflection, we’re aiming to spend more time in the growth zone. In the Winter Incubator, however, our goal is to help realize the value of your comfort zone. In a society that pushes for constant, frenetic growth and production, many of us have grown up feeling shame about needing to rest, and avoiding spaces and practices that help us heal.

We learn more about how fucked up, harmful, and helpful we are to oppressors when we pull that shit in the collectives - and what to do about it. When you can identify when it’s time to retreat to your comfort zone, how to get there, and what you can do in this space - you become a deliciously dangerous enemy of the kyriarchy.

In our Oh Shit - What Now? Adventure Map, we walk you through how to self-regulate without hiding under the covers or completely checking out. Then we show you ONE action you can take before checking back in with yourself.

The map is designed to help you expand your growth zone - to help you push a little deeper into discomfort without spiraling. To show you that you don’t (can’t!) do ALL THE ACTIONS and still be an effective accomplice.

Free Printable

And now Lena H has created a printable zine version so you can share it with your friends!!!! With just a printer and some string, all the parents at playgroup are gonna appreciate these silly but effective gifts <3

with you,

Ashia