To follow or not to follow: tango codes of conduct

The ronda. The mirada-cabeceo system. Offering tips to your dance partners. Same-sex couples on the dance floor.

A recent controversy has made me think – not for the first time – about tango’s traditions and rules and whether I still believe in some or all of them as firmly as I once did. And the answer overall is yes. But.

In general, in life and tango, I am neither a conformist nor a traditionalist. I don’t really see the point of sticking to traditions for tradition’s sake. Decades- or century-old dance customs originated in very different social contexts from those of today and they need to evolve along with society. But I also don’t think we need to scrap traditions just to prove a point (that we are modern or free, for example), if they serve a useful purpose. Which, in the case of the milonga codes of conduct, is largely the case, in my opinion. With a couple of very important exceptions.

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First, the controversy I alluded to:

There was an incident at the Cachirulo milonga in Buenos Aires last month, wherein two women were expelled from the milonga for dancing together. The expulsion was reportedly aggressive, even violent, which, if true, is, of course, unacceptable. (I wasn’t there and reports differ.) The outcry following the event was immediate, with an account going viral on social media, accompanied by an inflammatory AI-generated photo of a man standing over a woman cowering on the dance floor. Many people jumped on the bandwagon of blasting the organizer as well as the bystanders who did not intervene. Soon after, several people jumped to the defence of the (notoriously intolerant) milonga organizer, saying that the very traditional rules of Cachirulo are well known, and if people don’t like them, they should simply not go there.

This controversy came about at a time when I find myself attending more and more Queer Tango events, which I find refreshing for their open mindedness and free spiritedness as well as for the opportunity to dance both roles – without judgement or the worry that if I dance in flat shoes or as a leader that some male leaders then will not want to dance with me. (It’s not something I am overly concerned about, but I hear enough comments to know that there are still those who think that way.) One thing I have noticed is the cabeceo invitation system is not widely used at these events, at least the ones I have attended. Verbal invitations are considered acceptable and, for many, preferable.

I also DJ regular “Alternative” milongas (aka neolongas), where most of the music is not classic or traditional. These events attract people who like to experiment with dancing to different music but also some people who consider such traditions as following the line of dance or inviting by cabeceo constraining and freedom-impinging.

The reason for most rules of etiquette is not to limit or restrict people’s freedom or enjoyment. On the contrary, it is to ensure that a pleasurable time can be had by all. I believe we can actually better enjoy freedom of expression if we respect the shared rules of the floor.

So which códigos (codes of conduct) make sense to me and which don’t?

MEN LEAD, WOMEN FOLLOW

This is still what we see most often on the dance floor or stage, but as you can probably guess, I don’t agree with it as a code of conduct. However, there are those who do, as illustrated by the aforementioned organizer and his defenders.

About that: Yes, “everybody” knows that same-sex dancing is forbidden at the Cachirulo milonga, so one could argue that those who attend implicitly agree to follow the very “traditional” rules, but if the rules are outright discriminatory, I’m not sure the argument holds water.

Tradition refers to the past and does not justify exclusion in the present. Excluding same-sex dancers feels like interdiction based on identity, rather than on behaviour (or skill or floor craft), and goes against the idea of equality of access and participation in a space that is open to the public. Would it be OK if organizers forbade, for example, mixed-race couples from dancing together? Of course not! Besides, “lead” and “follow” are roles, not genders, and can be assigned independently of gender, sex or sexual orientation. Same-sex couples can dance the same vocabulary and use the same floor craft as heteronormative couples, so excluding them is not about preserving technique; it’s about preserving a social norm that dictates who can embody which role.

The dance itself has evolved and continues to do so in all sorts of ways: technique, vocabulary, teaching methods and fashion, so why not dance roles? Like any activity or art form, tango needs to evolve along with the society in which it exists. Anyway, if the historical structure is so important, let’s not forget that in tango’s early days men often practised together. So doesn’t that make same-sex dancing part of tango’s traditions?

As a long-time teacher, I have always danced both roles in tango, and over the years I have danced more and more as a leader, not only in classes but also socially and in performance. This has certainly contributed to my growth as both a teacher and a dancer. (Even the words “leader” and “follower” are misleading, because, as many dancers today understand, each role contains a big dose of the other. But that’s a subject for another article.)

Personally, I look forward to the day when Queer and traditional tango communities fully blend and everyone accepts that dance roles exist outside of sex or gender. We’re not quite there yet, but in my community there is increasing crossover of dancers between the two communities and more and more dual role dancers in both. Yay!

THE MIRADA-CABECEO INVITATION SYSTEM

Over the years I have become a strong supporter of the mirada-cabeceo system of inviting people to dance. Mirada means “look,” cabeceo means “nod,” and together they make up the traditional, non-verbal and most widely accepted way of inviting and getting invited to dance tango. Basically, leader and follower look directly at the person they wish to dance with and, hopefully, catch each other’s eye. Then the leader nods or motions with their head and the follower nods or smiles their acceptance.

It’s worth practising it because it works.

I disagree with those who say it is an outdated, macho tradition. In fact, I believe the technique evens the playing field and empowers women, or those dancing the follower role. With the mirada-cabeceo system, the line between inviter and invitee is blurred. After all, if I want to dance with you, I am the one who has to look you in the eye … then you nod and I smile, or was it me who smiled and then you nodded? Each dance becomes a mutual agreement.

I believe it can also be a perfect system for dual-role dancers. Two people who want to dance together look at each other, smile or nod, and approach one another. Then they can decide who will lead and who will follow.

One of the main advantages of non-verbal invitations is that accepting or not accepting a dance becomes less awkward. Because you have to make eye contact in order to invite or be invited, if you don’t want to dance with someone, you just don’t make eye contact. No need to outright refuse – which can be hard to do and to take – or make up excuses.

Of course, nothing is fool-proof. The one drawback here is the risk of confusion. If the room is large or dark or crowded, it can be hard to tell who is looking at whom, so when you nod toward someone at a table, it’s possible you might hit the wrong target. Or you get two people who stand up as you approach – oops! Well, it happens; the kind thing to do would be to promise the next tanda to your unintended, but the decision is, of course, yours.

One thing I have observed is that the system works best, almost flawlessly, in fact, when everyone uses it. In places where it is the go-to, it really is a beautiful thing, because you’re all following the same playbook. It gets confusing and works less well when only half the dancers are using it, so your miradas keep getting intercepted by people approaching you or your intended with verbal invitations.

Generally, any invitation should take place once the tanda starts and not during the cortina (though feel free to plan ahead and be ready). Why? Because you are supposed to choose your dancer and the music in relation to one another. In my case, there are some dancers I like very much dancing tango with, but not so much quick, rhythmic milongas. I save most waltzes for a few specific partners and dramatic Pugliese tandas for others. Sure, there are dancers I will happily dance anything with, but connection is just as much about the music as the person in your arms, and when the two fit well together it can be extra magical.

FLOOR CRAFT

Floor craft, or dance-floor etiquette, is the most important code of conduct to adhere to, in my opinion, for the pleasure and safety of everyone.

Entering the dance floor:

When you enter a milonga, or need to cross from one side of the dance floor to the other, always go around the floor, not through the middle.

When entering the ronda to dance, you must be conscious of oncoming traffic and avoid cutting right in front of an approaching couple. The dancer entering the floor as a leader should make eye contact with the approaching leader and wait for an acknowledgement before merging. This helps to avoid collisions from the get go but also establishes a connection with the dancers ahead of and behind you, thus reinforcing an overall respect among dance couples on the floor. It also means that when you are leading, you should be aware of dance-floor entry points and keep your eye out for couples waiting to merge.

On the dance floor:

Respect the ronda. This is essential in terms of shared consideration and enjoyment. Leaders are responsible for following the line of dance. This means not weaving randomly from one line (or lane) to another and not speeding around the floor cutting in front of all the other couples. If you must change lanes for good reason, do it with awareness and caution. Ideally, every couple should finish each song positioned ahead of and behind the same couple as when it started. Also, look ahead of you rather than down in order to avoid collisions, and back up infrequently and with care. This is one of the most difficult parts of learning to lead, but it is a little less difficult when we see the other couples on the floor not as obstacles to be avoided, but as an integral part of our dancing. We should dance with the other dancers, not against or despite them.

Followers, you are responsible for staying within the space your partner creates for you. Also, avoid kicking up your feet unless you are sure it is safe. This means that if you dance with your eyes closed, you really shouldn’t ever be kicking your feet up behind you. Meanwhile, if your eyes are open, it’s OK to stop your partner from taking that step backward if it means avoiding a collision.

Imagine the whole dance floor moving as one, each couple unique, but together and in sync. What a flow there would be.

Less talk, more dancing. As anyone who has read my posts on the subject knows, this is a big one for me: Please avoid teaching or correcting your partner. Accept the person in your arms as the dancer they are rather than the dancer you would like them to be. Dance to their level and capacity, and when something isn’t working, try to improve your own technique, not theirs. You cannot change someone else’s skill level with a few comments, and it’s not your job to do so. Making improvements is the work of each individual, while making corrections is the job of teachers – and should be saved for class time. In general, just save the conversation for when the music stops. Constant apologies for every misstep are almost as distracting as corrections. And if you want to chat about the weather or discuss your day, have a seat.

No hit and runs. Accidents happen. Never mind whose fault you think it was; it’s just good manners to say sorry, make sure the other person is OK and be more careful next time.

After the tanda. Leaders, take a moment to accompany your follower to their seat or at least off the dance floor. Most followers really appreciate this courtesy (I know I do). It shows good manners, and also avoids your partner feeling dropped like a hot potato as you rush off to the next partner. If you role swapped during your tanda, well, you can simply both accompany each other off the floor.

ABOUT HYGIENE

I kind of hate that I even have to tell people that it’s important to do things like shower, brush your teeth and wear deodorant before heading to a tango class or milonga. But there are still some people who either don’t know or don’t care that stale breath and sweat are unpleasant to others and might very well make the difference between a mirada and an averted gaze. I hate even more that I have to tell people to wash their hands after using the toilet, but I know for a fact there are women and men who don’t: I have seen it with my own eyes.

Sweat a lot? Bring a change of shirt or two to the milonga; your dance partners will appreciate it. But also, don’t overdo it with the perfume! Some people are very sensitive to scents.

Ever since the COVID pandemic raged across the planet, hand washing and hand sanitizing have become all the rage and for good reason. Clean hands prevent the spread of all kinds of infection and disease, not just coronaviruses. It’s a good idea to clean your hands often for the safety of all … and to freshen up regularly for the comfort of all. And, please, if you are sick with a cough, a fever or anything else that is likely to be contagious, stay home to help avoid the spread.

If this all sounds like a lot to think about, it is at first. But it’s as much a part of learning to dance tango as ochos and giros. With practice, the codes and customs will become as integral a part of your dancing as walking, embracing your partner and following the rhythm. Be who you are, dance the role(s) you like to the music you enjoy. But keep in mind that when you learn to drive a car, operating the vehicle is just a small part of the package. On the road you have to follow the flow of traffic, be aware and respectful of everyone else around you and avoid collisions. Shouldn’t it be the same on the dance floor?

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