I Spoke Less in Conversations and People Liked Me More

I wanted to run an experiment

If you cannot tell already, I enjoy torturing myself 🤣

My experiment was to deliberately speak LESS in a conversation with someone.

Not because I had nothing to say

Not because I was shy

But, because I wanted to see what would happen and if I could resist the urge to fill every silence with speaking.

For this experiment, I couldn’t share stories, give an opinion, or talk about a subject.

I was only allowed to use 2 techniques:

1. Mirroring

2. Summarising

I usually do this activity with clients, but on this occasion I wanted to challenge myself.

This is simple, it is when you repeat the last few words someone says to you, back to them.

For example:

“So, that’s why I decided to move back home.”

“Move back home?”

While it may seem you are just being a parrot

I assure you, this is a powerful tool, because it encourages the other person to give more information.

Bonus. This can also help you when you have run out of things to say!

Another straightforward technique is where you summarise a person’s thoughts, feelings, or statement. You can do this by using the phrases:

• “It feels like…”

• “It looks like…”

• “It sounds like…”

People love feeling like they have been heard.

By using summarising, you will make the person feel comforted and understood.

For my experiment, I used one of my favourite places to try out charismatic techniques.

The pub… 🤣

I was with a group of friends, and one of them started talking to me about considering changing their job.

After our conversation, I was surprised by what happened…

Our conversation went something like this:

Friend: “So I am thinking about changing jobs soon.”

Sebastian: “Changing job?”

Friend: “Yeah, I am not very happy with the strategy my department is taking.”

Sebastian: “It feels like you are disappointed with this change of strategy?”

Friend: “Yeah, I think I am because when they hired me, they really sold me on their current direction. Now that they plan on changing completely, I do not think I can stay there.”

Sebastian: “It sounds like you are ready for this change.”

Friend: “Yeah, you know what I think I am, the time is right.”

Sebastian: “It looks like you are ready for your next step.”

We continued our conversation with me not speaking but listening to what the other person was saying.

Not thinking of the next great question to ask or funny story

Just listening, summarising, and mirroring.

When we were leaving the pub, my friend came up to me and said:

“I really appreciated you talking about what’s happening at work, Seb. I wasn’t 100% sure, but now I feel much better about it.”

You see

We connected

But I didn’t say anything

Really.

He felt like we had a great conversation, as we bonded over something, yet he did all the talking.

Not me.

The lesson is it’s not about what we say.

It’s about how we listen and make other people feel heard.

In psychology, people like other people who are like them.

This sense of familiarity can be created by mirroring and summarising at a person.

Give this game an activity next time you are with someone,

Go on see how long you can go.

Can you beat my record? 😉

If you would like to develop these skills and get some practise mirroring and summarising in a safe environment, then reach out to me for a free charisma coaching discovery call.

BOOK MY CHARISMA COACHING DISCOVERY CALL

Until then have a great week!

Speak to you then

Kind regards

Sebastian from Art of Charisma