I was recording songs for a client’s band.
Me: “It takes about an hour to record a song.”
Client: “Great!”
The band showed up for their 7:00 pm appointment with five songs they wanted to record. It took five hours. When we finished the fifth, though, the client decided he wanted to record one more.
Once that was finished, the band started packing up.
Client: “What time is it?”
Me: “It’s 1:00 am. So you owe us for six hours.”
Client: “What? I only brought enough money for two hours!”
Me: “I suggest you take that and buy a watch because you just wasted six hours of everyone’s time.”
As part of my duties, I run a small voice recording studio for the company I work for. We were once chasing a deadline, and the voice artist the client chose could not make it in time to record some additional content.
Me: “The voice artist cannot make it on the day we hoped. We will have to manage it with the client and bump the deadline.”
Boss: “Is there really nothing we can do? I don’t like moving deadlines we’ve agreed to.”
Me: “No. She is not available. But she can be here a day later. I’d say we just communicate with the client that, due to the voice artist they want not being available in time, we’ll have to move the deadline by one day.”
Boss: “Hmmm… I have an idea!”
Me: “Yes?”
I waited for some sci-fi cloning suggestion.
Boss: “Text her the lines she needs to say. Then, call her, hold the phone close to the microphone, and just record her saying the lines over the phone. Those mics are great! It shouldn’t be a problem and you’d barely notice.”
Me: *Blinking* “…”
I was working with a band recording an EP. During one song, the guitarist could not get the solo right. After a few takes, I noticed that she was improvising a different solo with each take.
I informed her that she would either have to write the solo and play it the same way so I could edit it, or get it down in one take.
Client: “Why can’t you just edit all my takes together?”
Me: “Because they’re all different.”
Client: “Of course they’re different; I’m playing something else!”
Me: “Well, that’s why.”
The rest of the band agreed with my decision to cut the solo out of the song during mixing.
Client: “I hear some secret whispers at the beginning of this video. Take them out.”
Me: “I’ve watched and listened to the video about a dozen times. I even shot it. There’s no whisper. There’s an audio watermark to denote that we didn’t purchase the music I used as is proper practice when sending videos out for client approval. Could it be the watermark?”
Client: “Nope, it’s still there.”
Me: “Okay, I’ll re-export and re-upload the file.”
I lied; I don’t re-upload at all. The client checks and gets back to me.
Client: “Much better. All I hear is the music and the watermark. Thanks.”
Client: “It was my mum’s sixtieth at the weekend, and I filmed two hours of party footage and vox pops of my family sending her best wishes. I want you to turn that into a ten- to fifteen-minute video. I’ll give you £30.”
Me: “That’s nowhere near enough for my time.”
I usually do two or three nightclub promos for £100.
Client: “Yeah, but it’s a present for my mum, so I can’t afford to pay as much.”
Me: “I’ve never met your mum, and I’m not willing to give her £70 worth of my time, especially if you’re only putting up £30 of your own money for it.”
Client: “I’m not asking you to give my mum £70; just do her video. I’m paying £30 of my own money. And I’m thinking of starting a business filming birthdays, so this’ll definitely lead to more work, I promise.”
