So, a lot of the “dumb” people I speak with are just not well-versed in the processes and rules we have in place. Or they’re at least onto something, but the details have them all f***ed up. And sometimes, the customer will even… admit fault. It’s wild.

This guy called in because there are charges on the account. Makes sense, it is a credit card after all. Online purchases were made. But he’d cut up the card.

He said it as if “Ah, haha! Gotcha, there can’t be charges, I cut it up!”

Me: “Completely understandable, sir, so real quick, did you give us a call when you cut up the card so we could close it?”

Caller: “Well, no, but I did cut it up.”

Me: “Well, the charges were made online, so the physical card wouldn’t be needed.”

Caller: “Oh. I should’ve called y’all, that’s my bad. What do we need to do to get this cleared up?”

Totally different caller. Kind, funny, no fuss, just got the thing paid off. Amazing what can happen when the customer is mature enough to realize their assumptions are incorrect.

Our store is always understaffed despite new cashiers ALWAYS being hired. It’s a bad combination of massive staff turnover (people leave quickly due to the bad customers) and corporate being cheap with the number of hours we’re allowed to work as a store.

A customer is in line and has been waiting for almost ten minutes at this point. He’s next in line.

Customer: “Come on! These lines are ridiculous!”

I continue to focus on my current customer and scan their items as fast as possible.

Customer: “If you know you have this many customers at these times, then hire more people!”

I say goodbye to my current customer, and then it’s this guy’s turn to be served. I immediately start scanning and bagging his stuff while he moans:

Customer: “Why don’t you have more cashiers working?!”

Me: “Okay, sir, there are three QR codes taped up on the glass there. The first one is for the online application form we use to apply for vacancies in our store. They’re always looking for cashiers. The second one is the complaints form to corporate, where you can tell them not to be cheap with the hours, so we can hire more people or give us more shifts.”

My monologue seems to put out the angry fire in this customer’s eyes.

Customer: “…you know what, you’re right. I’m sorry.”

Me: “That’s okay, sir. Now let’s get you out of here as soon as possible.

Customer: “What’s the third QR code for?”

Me: “That just links you to a meme about the minimum-wage cashier has no say on corporate-decided staffing levels.”

The customer scans the third QR code and says they’ll share it around to remind people of that, and I thanked him.

Years ago, when I was doing network operations, we got an alarm for a data center that had a problem with the sprinklers. These days, data center sprinkler systems are loaded with inert gases like argon or nitrogen, but back then, it was water. We called someone to head into the office to work on the issue.

After that, we had to reach out to the facilities manager. As I am in Richmond, Virginia, and the data center was in California, I was calling them at about 5 AM. When the guy picked up (VP level), he read me the riot act and hung up. 

I called him back and stopped him when he began to rant:

Me: “I just need to give you the message, and then you can hang up. Your data center is flooding, and water is pouring on the server racks.”

VP: “Holy s***!”

Me: “I have facilities on their way to the site, and we are pulling the appliance list to notify the application owners.”

VP: “I’m in a car with a bunch of friends on the way to a football game.”

It’s 5 am their time, but California’s traffic is legendary.

Me: “Would you like me to call the CISO (Chief Information Security Officer, his boss)?”

VP: “…Yeah.”

Me: “Will do. Enjoy the game.”

He later contacted our department to apologize to me and talked me up to my boss.

I worked at a chain pizza restaurant. I was the assistant manager, and we were a smaller store than average for our chain, so we only had one cashier. It was a Friday, and we just got a fifty-pizza order (we argued that we weren’t equipped for it, but corporate says we have to accept large orders last minute, no matter what). Hence, we were slammed.

It didn’t matter how prepared we were; we couldn’t fit any more pizzas in the oven. It was hectic and insane. We had a bunch of call-ins, and some of them got confused or misheard because of how much was going on. 

We have this one guy who comes in all the time, and every time he is a jerk. He treats us like slaves and doesn’t leave until he’s figured out a way to make us bend over backwards for him by inventing more and more outlandish demands, like “I want this pizza cut into nine slices, not eight! Do it again!”

I was not having it this time. 

He called in prior, and I got his pizzas. He looked at them, then looked at me with disgust. He then throws the pizza on the counter and says:

Customer: “This isn’t what I ordered, not even close.”

Me: “We’re slammed tonight, so it was probably misheard. I do apologize. We can get that remade for you right away.”

Customer: “The person who took my order must have been f****** deaf!”

I can tolerate s***ty people (hello, I work with customers), but if you insult my employees who are working their a**es off, then I’m going to say something.

Me: “Stop right there. Don’t you dare insult my employees. They are back there working their a**es off; we are very busy. And I’m sorry your order got messed up, but understand it happens; we aren’t perfect. Now, I have offered to get those pizzas remade for you. Are you going to be a good little human being and wait, or are you going to keep acting like this? If you choose the latter, then you can get the h*** out.”

All these years of this customer treating us like crap, and this is the first time I’ve snapped at him. He takes a moment to recover.

Customer: “I… I’ll wait.”

Me: “Okay. It’ll be fifteen minutes because that’s what we’re supposed to say, but I can get it for you in ten. Okay?”

Customer: “…yes.”

Me: “Yes…?”

Customer: “Yes… thank you.”

He got his pizzas in ten minutes, aaaaand he tipped.

Snap at your problem customers, people! Bullies are mostly bullies because they pick on people who they think won’t fight back!

I was doing supervisory work in online retail customer service. I had a customer escalated to me about an item she received and changed her mind on, and the first agent hadn’t let her return the item.

The sticking point on her account was that this lady had a ridiculous ratio of returns, and we had started to restrict her ability to return things.

Anyhoo, I’m on the call with her, and she’s going off about how s***ty everything is.

Caller: “That first agent I spoke to was so s***ty! They kept talking about a return policy, and that’s s***ty too! Everything about your company is so s***ty!”

I was literally just flipping through tabs on Amazon as I half-listened to the tirade that was minutes in length, when finally, she started raising her voice and screaming at me:

Caller: “WELL, WHAT DO YOU F****** DO WHEN YOU BUY SOMETHING AND CHANGE YOUR MIND, HUH?!”

I was basically zoned out for several minutes while looking over Amazon tabs, so my filter had fallen. I immediately respond:

Me: “I remember that it didn’t work out, and I move on with my life.”

She stopped her rant, and her tone went straight to confused.

Caller: “What about when you want to return something?”

Me: “Miss, I haven’t returned a single thing in years. I consider my purchases carefully before making them.”

She seemed completely taken aback by the idea that someone would live like that.

Caller: *Calming down.* “Oh… well… I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else to do.”

Me: “Miss, how about instead of screaming at the people trying to help you and calling them s***ty, let’s calmly discuss your purchase history with us, and why the system might be blocking this current return. Does that sound good?”

Caller: “Okay… yes.”

She remained calm as I explained to her that she had returned twenty of the twenty-four items she had purchased from us in the last year. She almost rallied up a rant again when she explained that Amazon let her return anything all the time, but I countered that we were not Amazon, and that customers actually pay Amazon an annual fee on top of all their purchases to be able to do that. At the end…

Caller: “Thank you… for explaining it all to me.”

Me: “Thank you for letting me explain it. Now, I’m going to override the system and allow this return. I am only allowed to do this once. After that, the system locks even managers out from a return override. Do you understand what that means?”

Caller: “It means this is the last time I can return something.”

Me: “Thank you, yes, that is exactly what it means.”

We process the return, she thanks me again, and the call ends on good terms.

A couple of months later, something reminds me of her, and I check her account history. So far, four more purchases, no returns!