Dads in the birth room make everything better

You know how romance movies and books always end with the couple getting together and riding off into the sunset? I’ve always found that deeply dissatisfying. It just leaves out so many important details. Like, how many kids did they end up having? Boys or girls? What did they look like? What did they name them? What were the Apgars? Ok, maybe that last bit is just the midwife/birth nerd in me talking…

But it’s no wonder there are whole websites full of fanfic where amateur writers publish their imaginings about the next chapter in the couple’s life once the love story ends (not that I’ve ever done this personally, of course😉).

My point is, there is something profoundly romantic about having a baby with someone you love, and it’s like…we don’t really talk about that very much! As reported on by Darby Saxbe, in Scott Galloway is wrong about dads and childbirth, apparently some weirdos actually find birth—get this—”disgusting and unnatural" and think dads are a “waste of space” in the early days! Can you believe it?

As you may guess, I feel differently. In fact, when I was interviewed by Emily Oster on the ParentData podcast, we had the following conversation:

Emily: So before you go, let me ask you…you attend a lot of births. What is your favorite moment in a birth?

Me: Oh, I love this question. Nothing compares to passing the baby to the mom for the first time. There’s usually just so much relief in that moment. I also think, one really beautiful thing I get to witness all the time is like, I don’t know, I’ll call it the “postpartum kiss.” Usually if a partner has been with his partner for this labor and he’s seen this really hard thing take place, his respect for his partner has gone up a ton, and there’s usually this moment where they just…kiss…it’s like two minutes after the birth, once we’re totally sure that everything’s fine and the baby is breathing and crying and on the mom’s chest. That’s a really beautiful moment and I feel really, you know, blessed that I get to witness that all the time.

So there you have it: one of the reasons I most love being a midwife is that I get to see the end of the story, or at least the “next chapter.” And I’ve always felt babies are a pretty great epilogue.

When it comes to dads in the delivery room, it’s pretty clear to me that they make everything better. I see a ton of strength and resilience in dads that rubs off on their partners. When a mom choses labor without an epidural, the dad’s support is crucial. I see them holding their partners up, swaying with them, reassuring them and telling them they’re strong. In one case, early in my career, I even had a dad with lightning fast reflexes reach in to catch the baby as his partner returned from the bathroom pushing. I was right behind her but somehow he saw it coming and I didn’t. He was like "Dad of five here. Step aside.” Then he acted all nonchalant, shrugging when I thanked him, like it was no big deal that he prevented his baby from hitting the floor!

When a mom decides on an epidural, the dad doesn’t become a “waste of space” but an important supporter of both his partner and the staff, as we often need their help with repositioning, leg holding during pushing, etc. On a few occasions, I’ve been the one to sit with the dad while they were prepping his partner for a C-section, and then watched when they were reunited in the operating room. The dad’s presence is such a balm to the mom in these stressful moments.

Have I ever met dads that weren’t great support people? Yeah, of course. Sometimes they just need a little guidance, “Hey, could you massage her back like this?” “Can you help us turn her in the bed?” “Can you offer her a sip of water about every ten minutes?” In my experience, dads love to have something to do. Waiting for someone to give birth can feel very helpless, especially if you see that they are suffering.

Other times, dads are really not into the carnal experience that is birth: the amniotic fluid, blood, squishy organs, etc. That can make the experience a bit scary and get in the way of them being present. But usually if you help them reposition in a chair by the mom’s face, they can still play an active support role. I’ve had plenty of dads too grossed out to cut the cord. No shame. It’s not for everyone. All that Wharton’s jelly turns some people off.

On the other hand, I’ve encountered some real “science nerd” dads. Some of them were farm boys who’d watched other mammals give birth (cows, pigs, goats) and wanted to discuss the differences in birth mechanisms. These dads didn’t just want to cut the cord: they wanted to help catch the baby, inspect the afterbirth and play around with it. That’s fine too—but you might want to put gloves on first!

I loved Darby Saxbe’s account of her lab’s research on birth and completely agree that we need more studies on this! I was particularly interested by this:

In one study, we found that when men described their partner’s childbirth as more stressful, they had worse symptoms of postpartum depression six months later, even when we controlled for their prenatal depression. In another study, pregnant couples who argued more negatively during a conflict task in our lab subsequently had more difficult childbirth experiences several months later, suggesting that the tenor of the couple relationship may have shaped how they navigated labor.

And, come to think about it, when I think about the nicest births I’ve attended recently, they all had wonderful dads present. And when I think about the hardest, least pleasant labors and births…they did not. This is probably at least part correlation, not causation but, it’s completely plausible that there is at least some causal effect. Darby Saxbe, maybe someday we can do a study together :-)

I’m going to end with this photo from a birth I attended recently. I got in touch with the couple yesterday and they agreed that I could share. This dad’s level of love and support for his partner was off the charts. When I see stuff like this, I can’t help but want to double as a birth photographer. I’m like “give me your phone and let me snap a pic.”

If there’s anyone out there who doesn’t find this super beautiful and romantic, something is wrong with them. Because if a couple can get through a birth together like this, they can get through anything!