i used to love, i mean love, when dan went out of town. not because i don’t love him dearly, but because i crave my alone time. you get less and less of it when you share a bed with someone.
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i love waltzing through a perfectly quiet home with everything exactly as i left it. the throw blankets are perfectly askew on the couch, not a crumb to be found underfoot. my music is playing in the background and the candles are lit. there is nothing to tidy because i’ve already picked up after myself and my countertops are sparkling.
when dan’s out of town i do things differently.
i bring our dog, hudson, into bed with me. i read at night instead of watching tv, i catch up with my friends on the phone at full volume instead of the respectfully private one i use when dan and i are both in the house.
i wander, i write, i have myself a girlie little vacation at home. i’m currently writing at my makeshift desk in our bedroom and watching the sunrise, things i can’t do when my roommate husband is asleep a few feet away.
i try to take that same energy to life with my kid.
dad leaves, we adventure.
admittedly this attitude also helps me refrain from constantly comparing how much nicer it is when daddy is doing all of the cooking and i have my person to decompress with at the end of the day.
the truth is i miss dan a lot when he’s gone.
my systems might be all out of whack when i’m solo parenting, but i also feel like an unstoppable bad bitch who can do it all by herself.
there are no perfect answers for how to handle solo parenting and i’m in awe of every person who always does this thing on their own whether out of need, choice, or a bit of both.
as a full time mom who generally splits the household tasks and childcare with her partner at the end of the day and on the weekends, what follows are a few ways that i change up my days when it’s just me. some things that make solo parenting a little less painful, a lot more empowering, and, dare i say, kinda fun.
this is the most important part for me. if i do the same things we always do, in the same way we always do them, i feel my husband’s absence in everything. daily activities feel harder, the contrast from two parents to one, sharper, and i begin to resent him being gone.
when i say, fuck it, let’s go on an adventure, solo parenting becomes kinda fun.
i get energized to try something new and my confidence rises to meet me. there’s a feeling of superhuman strength in doing the mundane and the extraordinary. a sense of relief and pride washes over me when i send my husband a photo of doing something cool with our kid.
above is a photo from a day when i chose adventure.
i was nearing the end of a week of solo parenting and it was alternate side street parking day on our block in brooklyn. the thought of moving my car for ninety minutes for the street sweeper to pass made me want to scream.
instead, i stayed up late the night before researching nearby flower farms and threw my son in the car as soon as he woke up that morning. just over an hour outside of the city we arrived at a holland-esque tulip farm. an activity that i thought would distract my kid for forty five minutes developed into a new hobby explored over the next four hours. he didn’t want to leave.
i learned something new about my kid and he discovered that he loves to make bouquets. he picked out specific tulips for each of my parents, my sister, and my husband. i called my parents on our drive home and we ended up having a last minute dinner together. my kid was so proud to give his hand-picked bouquets to his grandparents.
what could have been a grumpy day at home turned into an adventure that i’ll never forget.
later bedtimes, popsicles on the couch, snacks in front of the tv, whatever. when i don’t have my partner to parent with i try to let my son and i both off the hook instead of holding to our everyday expectations.
when i lean in and whisper to my kid in a conspiratorial tone, “we’re breaking the rules tonight.” it makes it feel fun instead of like a moral failing.
before the overwhelm sets in, before i feel guilty for asking for help, before i desperately need a break, i try to schedule one. it could be an hour, an outing, or a night, just something to help take the edge off and give me a moment to look forward to.
knowing that i have relief on the way allows me to power through the tantrums and the tough moments. i picture my days like a video game and bee-bop through the obstacles knowing that i’m about to ding-ding-ding! get a new life at the end of a challenge.
this past week i dropped off my son with my mother in law for the entire day. i needed a full system reboot and was unbelievably grateful for the opportunity to take one.
i went to the beach and finished my book. i lifted weights and took an everything shower. i ate cold leftovers in my underwear with the fridge door wide open. i went to a head spa for the first time? two hours of someone washing my hair and massaging my scalp is my idea of heaven. i caught up on all of my voice memos. i tidied the house without interruption.
by the time i showed up at the restaurant to meet up with my son and our extended family i was genuinely so excited to see everyone and chase a couple of toddlers around.
seeing that i can feed myself and my child without my husband makes me feel like a superhero.
my husband is the cook in our house and i genuinely think this division of labor is the key to our happy marriage. while most of the mental load of childcare and household tasks lives with me, the job of feeding our family lives with him. he finds recipes, asks for input, and then he does all of the grocery shopping, cooking, and oftentimes meal preps my lunches so that i’m properly fueled to keep up with our son.
when dan goes out of town i used to rely on takeout and dining out, but what starts as a fun change of pace quickly gets boring and not particularly nutrition-focused. these days i try to cook a meal or two while he’s gone.
our kid loves going to the grocery store, so i try to think about dinner prep like an activity. i took him to the fish market and we marveled at the lobsters in the tank, ate a cup of rhode island clear chowder as a snack, and then drove to the grocery store. instead of stocking up on ingredients for one meal, i texted my in-laws and invited them to dinner the next night, opting to cook two meals instead of just one.
that night i made my kid’s favorite meal, salmon and rice bowls with broccoli. the next i caught up with my in-laws over an asian-inspired chicken dinner and they helped me with bedtime.
it feels good to cook for our family when dan is normally the one to do it. i move about the kitchen with purpose, tend to my son as he shifts in and out of focused independent play and begging me to play with him. at the end of the day we get to sit down to a meal together and i feel a sense of accomplishment that makes me empathetic to a 1950s housewife, if only for a minute.
this one is hard for me. as an extrovert i really need time with my people, but as a tired mom, social plans are the last thing i want to get my shit together for.
when i think about the week solo i want to relieve myself of all obligations, rid myself from places to be and abolish all timelines. but the thing is it feels good to show up for things on time. it makes me unbelievably happy to see my friends when i’m deep in childcare.
dad’s not home! indulge your personal quirks! savor having your home to yourself!
i love to invite my friends over when dan is out of town.
this past week our outdoor furniture arrived and i was so excited to finally drink my coffee outside. instead of waiting to see how my day went, i immediately texted a neighbor while i was feeling energized and asked if she wanted to come over for a drink after bedtime.
it can feel hard to send that text because i worry that i’ll be too exhausted by the end of the day and won’t be a good hang. but more often than not, my energy replenishes in real time and i rise to the occasion. somehow my friends and i ended up gabbing until 1am and i went to bed happy and fulfilled.
recharging is more than just sleep.
when left to my own devices, there is no tv. i’m reading, junk-journaling or chatting with my friends. instead of missing dan i try to relish in the quiet of the house, reset it to my level of perfection and then bask in whatever activity requires more of my attention than is usually available on a casual weeknight.
oh, and take the damn vacation.
my top three recommended reads of the week featuring mothers getting curious about what it looks like to challenge the status quo.
Erin Phillips getting curious about why we rush. i laughed and cried and was in awe of the craftmanship of this post! i don’t know how Erin is able to put so much mothering humanness into these words, but reading this post made me feel so many emotions and reminded me of why i write.
Roe getting curious about how we energetically prepare to conceive. i felt like i was in an in-person session with Roe when reading this. there is such care in her words and clarity in the way that she invites you to check in with yourself. i’ll be leaning on this article as i prepare for my next TTC journey.
Julie Schecter getting curious about her relationship with her body — specifically the transition of an athlete’s intimacy with the body to a mother’s. this is such a beautiful, hilarious and heartbreakingly accurate depiction of the push and pull we feel as mothers to be accepting of our bodies after we become mothers, while wanting something more for ourselves as women.
because parenthood isn’t linear
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CONNECT: thank you so much for being here! i hope you enjoyed reading mother curious today. i’d love to hear from you! say hi to me on instagram, watch me try to figure out tiktok, or leave a comment on substack. the best part about substack is the conversations and connections we build together and i look forward to getting to know you too.
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