i think about spontaneity all the time, but spontaneity isn’t something moms stumble into, it’s intentional. it requires foresight and planning and it is infinitely better when shared with friends.
there’s a strong hold on my calendar of “do nothing” days and sometimes those days mean that i am recharging in the air con and forfeiting a shiny sparkling summer day, but oftentimes it means that i get to tap into a different part of my brain and get really creative.
instead of asking “what do i need to do?” i ask “what do i want right now?” the rest can wait.
of course this can’t be the everyday attitude or i’d be living in squalor, but i try to carve out time each week dedicated to following my gut instead of my to-do list.
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in order to truly relax into a spontaneous state of mind the table needs to be set, the ingredients accounted for, the foundation established.
i need to move beyond a lack mindset and into an expansive one (TOTALLY NO PROBLEM, I’M NOT TIRED AT ALL). which is why it’s a practice. when i know that i have time each week to try on Carefree Mom it feels less weighted, less like i have to get it right or it will be for naught.
last week i was introduced to Christina Tumminello’s article On Work (and Life) No. 2 - Summer Mom vs. Corporate Mom thanks to my friend Tricia Torley and i can’t get it out of my head.
i was enjoying a rare and precious week off with friends when i got full body chills reading
There is a picture in my mind when I think of summer, and it’s lazy days … filled with spontaneity, with saying yes, with everyone feeling exhausted and content and ready for bed at the end of the day.
and i realized that i have an entire summer ahead of me to do just that.
the trick is to both not squander the opportunity nor hold myself to impossible standards (PIECE OF CAKE, I NEVER DO THAT.)
instead i’m thinking about my summer as a series of experiments like Elin Strong.
within the structure of a test there is space to get it wrong, time to be brave and try new things. nothing is a failure, just information, data for the next AB test.
the controlled substances are trips to the beach or going to the flower farm. ice cream and del’s lemonade. learning how to get dressed for a country club and a beach rave. throwing intimate dinner parties and larger backyard ones. and apparently, how to manage a toddler who learned how to break out of his sleep sack and crib. is this when we switch to a toddler bed?1
but here’s the thing:
and that is a very challenging magic to capture in new york city.
the closest you get before an actual run-in on the street is checking find my friends, noticing a friend is nearby and sneaking up on them for a rare in-person hug.
this week one of my friends texted the group chat with a gorgeous invitation to an art opening — this is the type of invite that i would kill for if i were in the city. i may be good at gathering groups when planned a month in advance, but my friends are the researchers. they are excellent at discovering cool things to do at places i’ve never even heard of.
i’m the first one to chime in !! wish i could be there, let’s go when i’m back in the city this fall. thanks so much for thinking of us. it’s always easy to be the first to respond when you know you can’t make it. i hate that that’s true. as the day went on i watched as the group flooded with each gal’s busyness, everyone’s weeks had already been booked solid.
this is a heartbreakingly accurate depiction of how last minute plans often go in the city — nowhere.
meanwhile, a rhode island group chat pings in the background, i’m craving sushi and a night off, anyone free tomorrow around six? again, i’m the first to respond because i really want to do this when i’m home. i’m out of town, but would love to join next time! but then something wonderful happens, a flurry of blue bubbles pop up from everyone else: sounds amazing, let me check in with my partner. and just like that, our crew of mom friends had a midweek sushi night booked.
THESE ARE THE PEOPLE I GET TO SUMMER WITH, I WILL NOT FUCK THIS UP.
instead, i pulled the trigger and sent the invite to my next girl party. texted a friend to see if she wanted to play hooky for a moms only beach friday. i’m about to be jet-lagged as heck, but there will be a beach or pool playdate in my near future.
i’m really good at adventuring on unplanned days with my son. i’m obsessed with doing things just the two of us, but my god is it incredible to hang with a group of moms and their kids. i mean, wow am i more relaxed than ever been when i have coworkers in this job.
there is no right or wrong way to follow this recipe, adjust the ingredients and measurements to fit your lifestyle. the point is that you’re putting yourself out there, you’re trying new things. you’re being generous with your time, extending and accepting invitations.
you’re an active member of your community, no matter how small.
you are brave as heck.
GO FORTH AND SUMMER, YOU HOT MOM WHO-IS-ALSO-AN-INDEPENDENT-WOMAN, YOU.
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my top three recommended reads of the week featuring mothers getting curious about what it looks like to challenge the status quo.
Alena Falkengren is another full time mom getting curious about how to research for fun. i am obsessed with this article. it’s an oldie but a goodie and i want it to go viral. i think that it is some of the most practical and important advice for how to continue learning as an adult. feast your eyes and FEED YOUR BRAIN with this one.
Mary Dal Nogare getting curious about living a life without working mom guilt. I LOVE THIS. perhaps one day i will be her too! i love how Mary takes us through the different phases of her life as a SAHM and a working mom who is consistently asking herself “is this right for me?” and what if it came without the guilt that everyone is always talking about?
Emma of mothering slowly getting curious about not resenting her husband. like, LOL at this subject, but also?! the societal pressure to husband-shame is so real. it’s wild out here. it can feel radical to talk about the good stuff in motherhood when there is so much that is genuinely deeply challenging. it’s okay if your husband doesn’t fit into the lazy boy tropes, in fact, i think there are a lot of dads out here doing the most. so let’s talk about it!!
because parenthood isn’t linear
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CONNECT: thank you so much for being here! i hope you enjoyed reading mother curious today. i’d love to hear from you! say hi to me on instagram, watch me try to figure out tiktok, or leave a comment on substack. the best part about substack is the conversations and connections we build together and i look forward to getting to know you too.
in a rare moment, i am actually soliciting advice for how you’ve handled this stage with your kids and if you have any brilliant tips for maintaining that glorious twelve hour sleep window we’ve enjoyed for the past nearly three years.
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