will i ever take a beach nap again?

i grew up going to the jersey shore. when you’re a suburbs-of-philly kid the shore is simply a fact of life, an hour and fifteen minute drive is perfect for a day trip, weekend, or all summer long.

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summer was my favorite season until i became a person who accrued PTO and then i thought it was a sick joke. how can an entire quarter of the year be reserved for only children to enjoy?

the summer before my son was born i was no longer a person on payroll, but i still couldn’t enjoy it. i was an overheated, deeply uncomfortable, and unemployed pregnant gal. so the following summer, when we had a baby and the opportunity to rent our own beach house for a month, i had big dreams about how our time was going to play out.

before we arrived in rhode island for our month at the beach, i’d spent the first nine months of my child’s life feeling deeply insecure about being a full time mom. i was honestly very confused about how i was ever going to make any mom friends in a city that demands and reveres high-powered careers. i ached for the freedom of summer, for days when i wouldn’t judge myself so hard for not making money and could try to lean into the joy of being able to design my days with my kid.

i also hoped that my non-working status might go a little more under the radar when other people’s kids were on summer vacation.

our family had four weeks to enjoy life on the beach and i was determined to make the most of it. dan was working out of our bedroom and our baby napped twice a day. we were still in a period of trying to run two very different day jobs out of a small space and dan’s work was cripplingly intense that summer.

the beach seemed like the perfect escape.

• MAX TIME ON BEACH: 45 mins - 1 hour

• OVERALL DIFFICULTY: 10

• DIFFICULTY ON/OFF BEACH: 6

• ENJOYMENT LEVEL: 5

• CAN MOM READ OR NAP: 0

• FEAR FACTORS: sunshine, heat and keeping a crawling baby in one spot

• RECOMMENDATIONS: if solo, choose quick and easy trips first thing in the morning or late in the afternoon. if possible, bring beach-savvy grandparents.

but everything i loved about having a baby in the city i hated about having a baby on the beach. in the city i could strap my baby to my chest with a few diapers and wipes and have the world at my fingertips. i could change direction at a moment’s notice and always get home for nap time.

at the beach i needed so much gear.

this really conflicted with how i imagined my summer was going to go. my mom always talked about how much she loved being on the beach with me as a baby. so i fantasized about spending my day like hers: napping, breastfeeding and luxuriating on the beach with a baby. it didn’t occur to me until just now that i was a much younger baby my first summer than my son was for his. i was only a few months old, my baby was nearly ten, those are very different stages of babyhood.

my son did not know how to nap on the beach and he had no desire to learn. i panic-ordered a baby tent, baby chair, adult tent, oversized beach towels, UV protected umbrellas, the works. none of it mattered. by the time i managed to schlep my baby and all of our gear to the beach the sun was high, my baby was pissed off at the sand and it was already time to head back for nap time.

i’d look longingly at the water and remember the days when i could jump in as soon as my skin became a little warm. i laughed at the book in my bag wondering if i would ever read one again, and i struggled to break down and pack up all of our things while containing a crawling baby.

one weekend our friends were in town and i was convinced that everything would be okay if i had a few extra sets of hands, but we were the ride to the beach that day and my baby wasn’t having it. we’d barely sat down and i could already tell that it was time to leave.

i was mortified and frustrated and so deeply sad that i couldn’t just relax with my friends at the beach anymore. we’d spent every summer up until that point logging eight hour beach days in the rockaways and now i couldn’t even manage one. i could barely look at my childfree friends, i was so embarrassed.

earlier that summer i had my parents’ help at the beach in south jersey. they thought of everything and they had all of the supplies in our garage. my mom packed the beach buggy and my dad shuttled to and from the house when i needed something and all that i had to do was carry my baby. it was blissful.

but they raised three kids, they remember how much work it is to take a young family to the beach. they were able to anticipate our needs before i could and i didn’t need to explain anything to them.

when i was back in rhode island and on my own the beach felt totally unmanageable, but i was determined to figure it out. despite how difficult it was, i brought my baby to the beach more days than not. we had some good sessions when i gave into forty five minute visits, but it was a lot of work for very little reward.

the beach bum lifestyle i once knew felt like a thing of the past.

• MAX TIME ON BEACH: 1 - 2.5 hours

• OVERALL DIFFICULTY: 5

• DIFFICULTY ON/OFF BEACH: 4

• ENJOYMENT LEVEL: 7

• CAN MOM READ OR NAP: 8

• FEAR FACTORS: waves, poopy swim diaper, big kids who don’t want to play with my baby

• RECOMMENDATIONS: get the big umbrella, bring the uncles, don’t be afraid to accept help from kind strangers

day one my son is playing in the sand under the umbrella for hours. at first i just stare in wonderment and then i snap myself out of it and break out my kindle on my phone. the rest of the summer i pack a paperback in my extra large ll bean tote.

my son helps me to and from the car by carrying his own sand toys. he’s small enough to prop up on my hip with this little contraption called a tush baby and he lets me put sunscreen on him and rub it in without fuss. we call it skincare and he takes to it just as easily as lotion after his showers.

i don’t really know what to feed my child because he’s in that awkward stage between pouches and toddler snacks, but not quite old enough for deli sandwiches. so i pack peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or get him a hotdog from the snack shack, a lobster roll for me.

when our friends come to town he demands that his uncles play ball with him around the clock. i look at them warily like, you good? they flash back big happy smiles as they throw a football with my one year old before scooping him up and spinning him around.

everyone is safe and happy. i lounge on a beach towel, crack open an icy seltzer and gab with my friends.

this is the summer that i begin taking beach naps again. my first beach nap as a mom hits so hard and a brand new chapter opens up for me and dan. i can hardly believe it.

i start dozing off and look at dan, is it cool if i close my eyes for a little bit? ninety minutes later i wake up and our son is right where i left him playing with his sand toys under the umbrella, dan winks at me, and everything feels right in the world.

the rest of the summer we make eye contact and audibly confirm who is responsible for our child before letting the other relax or doze off. it’s an only child thing, i suppose, but this is all we know so far.

going to the beach with an almost two year old restores my faith in long beach days. we take our time, we push nap time til late afternoon, and we all go to sleep to the happy rock of the waves still living in our body.

• MAX TIME ON BEACH: 5hrs+ !!!

• OVERALL DIFFICULTY: 6

• DIFFICULTY ON/OFF BEACH: 4 and 9

• ENJOYMENT LEVEL: 8.5

• CAN MOM READ OR NAP: TBD

• FEAR FACTORS: putting on sunscreen, running out of snacks, my kid running into the water while i’m not looking or refusing to get off the beach when i’m solo

• RECOMMENDATIONS: get the big cooler, communicate often about water safety, set up far from the ocean, invite other moms and their kids for beach playdates

there’s a whole lotta bribery, i mean — intentional optionality.

if you do X you will receive Y.

you can choose A or you can choose B, but you can’t have both.

when i have the patience these are the tools i try to employ. in other moments i am throwing a thrashing toddler over my shoulder and physically moving him from point A to point B.

i joke that i lift weights to prepare for my next pregnancy, but i am also swinging kettle bells as heavy as my toddler so that i can keep up with him.

when we walk from the car to the beach he carries an oversized dump truck toy for approximately three yards before dropping it on the pavement and telling me to carry it first. he doesn’t exactly understand what first means, but he knows it means urgency, so he’s always demanding to do X first. in this instance he just wants me to do it now.

i got one of those ugly bogg bags as part of a swag bag at an event and i’m sorry to say that they are perfect for momming on the beach and the pool. one of my friends told me about all of the accoutrements and i promptly outfitted my bag. we have a cooler, cup holder and snack tray en route as we speak. i no longer care if it’s dorky, this bag is already making my life as a professional shlepper easier.

i also opt for the beach chair with shoulder straps over the classic under-the-arm style that i actually prefer. mommy needs hands-free.

so here’s the setup: beach chair on back, bogg bag on my right shoulder packed to the gills with lunch for both of us, snacks, drinks, sunscreens, diapers and wipes (i am desperate for summer camp to help me out with potty training this summer!) and a teeny tiny bag of my essentials, paperback tucked inside. my left shoulder carries a mesh bag stretched to the max full of sand toys, balls and a frisbee. the oversized dump truck is in my left hand while my right is free to attempt to shepherd my son from the parking lot to the beach.

—

my child no longer has the wiggly body of a baby, he’s much sturdier now. even though he still runs like a duck waddling his hips, i’m significantly less on edge about his physical wellbeing. last summer he still had some baby in him and there was always this feeling of fear rippling just beneath the surface of my skin.

i felt confident that he would get up from his trips and tumbles, but there was still a sense that he was fragile. this summer he’s a big boy and he moves like one too.

the hard part about going to the beach with a big kid is you can’t pick them up anymore, at least not for long stretches of time. when we’re trundling across the beach he wants to be carried, but that’s not really an option anymore.

instead i’m faced with the challenge of coaxing a toddler off the beach while shaking sand off of the beach toys, rinsing his beach bucket and gathering up all of our things. i’m not entirely sure how i’m going to do this by myself, but i know i’ll figure it out.

this is my stance on most things that i find challenging in motherhood.

when i am under-resourced in sleep, things that excite me, or physical/emotional support anything can fall apart quickly, especially when faced with the natural elements of the beach.

it’s never as simple as logging more time off, unfortunately you can’t stockpile rest. instead i try to set myself up for success by focusing on the things that i can control.

i bake in extra time for all transitions and activities. i prepare for the day like it’s mission critical, because it is, and i prioritize moments of rest and things that energize me daily. when i’ve managed to optimize these three areas: prep, rest, and my passions, i can generally reorient around the ever-changing needs of my child on a moment by moment basis.

but every day there are moments, or a handful of moments, when my tools don’t work. my exhaustion gets the best of me and i feel just as dysregulated as my toddler.

and every day there is also joy.

moments when we’re laughing together and time seems to suspend because we’re so caught up in whatever we’re doing. moments when i realize a part of me has come back that i forgot i misplaced.

this summer i get to take back all of those summers spent cooped up in an office job. the one when i miscarried, the one when i was trying to be happily pregnant, but was mostly miserable, and my first summer as a mom who felt like her beach days were over.

no day is perfect, but this summer is ours.

my top three recommended reads of the week featuring mothers getting curious about what it looks like to challenge the status quo.

Kiya Taylor getting curious about how to apply your professional strengths to the work of mothering. i love this. i think it’s fascinating and i wish i could sit down for dinner with Kiya and discuss late into the evening. this is precisely how i think about my work of mothering and how i’ve approached this “job” since deciding to take it on as my full time gig. i think this work is essential and deeply practical for all mothers.

Kyla Ruddell getting curious about what it feels like to be actively and genuinely supported during postpartum with her second baby. i already shared this post, but it’s worth putting in the archives here. as my main local support system, my parents and my husband all went through postpartum care training while i was pregnant and i think that changed everything for me. here Kyla provides concrete examples for how to support a breastfeeding mother and i think they’re invaluable.

Leah Hamilton getting curious about what time off looks like for her and her husband and how to celebrate their different needs. i am a huge fan of this approach and have found it liberating in my own parenting partnership. i’ve been watching Leah’s solo parenting journey this week and cheering her on from across the country — i loved getting to know the BTS of her husband’s trip and how she’s thinking about their time this summer.

because parenthood isn’t linear

table of contents

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Jan 14

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