Re-building your life after depression

Hi all,

Sorry it’s been such a long time since my last post. I really didn’t mean for it to be this long since I wrote to you all. I apologise for all the messages that have gone unanswered, I didn’t mean to be rude!

To be honest with you, I’ve been struggling quite a bit these past few months. The biologic medication that I was on for the ankylosing spondylitis has stopped working, which has meant the pain and fatigue has come back with a vengeance. It feels like I have a new pain or aliment spring up each day now and the fatigue is making me so breathless.

I’ve tried countless times to reach out to my Doctors and change my medication, or to get any advice at all really, but it’s taken me 6 months to even get an appointment with them. When I finally do get an appointment, it keeps getting cancelled and pushed back. This has made me feel very dismissed and alone. It feels like I have gone right back to the very start where I felt like no one was listening or cared. I can’t help but to feel I have taken two steps forward and twenty steps back kind of thing. Constantly having to beg for even the smallest scrap of help from anyone just feels exhausting and demoralising.

I think I was relying on this biologic medication to make me feel better, and because it hasn’t, I just feel so disappointed and like all the hope I had for a better life has dissolved out of my body. I had so many great plans for this year. As you know, I was feeling quite good at the start of the year. But all those plans had to be put on hold. I’ve barely seen anyone, or done anything. It feels like another year of my life has been wasted due to this horrid disease. I know there are other medicines to try, but I think doubt has taken over and clouded my view of everything.

This has hit me hard and I have been trying to get myself out of a rather deep depression. I started off trying to do all the usual things that have helped me in the past; therapy, medication, being creative, writing my journal, getting out with my husband and pup etc, but nothing has been sticking and that has panicked me. I literally have zero motivation in me to do the things I know I need to do to get out it. I guess that’s why depression is so insidious...

I feel very overwhelmed, like every tiny decision or task is taking everything I have to do it. Each day is incredibly hard to get through. So each and every time I went to write a post, I felt a surge of panic and felt it was all too much, and I put it off. So I’m sorry about that, as I know there were some very dedicated readers out there who have followed me from the start.

I’ve noticed that when I get depressed and anxious I isolate myself. I don’t want to be a burden to those around me. I feel ashamed that I’m not coping. I feel I’m not being grateful enough of the good things I have in my life and people will judge me for that. That’s what depression does. It warps your thinking. It makes you feel like no one else would understand, or even care to understand what you are going through. It convinces you that you are a piece of shit and that you deserve every horrible thing that is happening to you. It tells you to hide away. To mask. To pretend. To give up trying for a better life.

But of course, as most of you know, isolation is the worst thing you can do when you have depression. It starts to eat away at you and convince you that you are unworthy of love. It knocks your confidence and makes it so damn difficult to re-join the world.

So today, after much convincing, my therapist has encouraged me to write something to you all. Just get something down, not overthink it. Just as a way of shining a light on the depression. It feels less scary when it’s out in the open and shared amongst friends. She said it would be a way of reaching out and connecting with the world again. She said ‘I bet more people than you realise will relate to all that you are going through’. Is that true? Do you get phases like this? How did you pull yourself out it?

So here I am, reaching out a little shaky vulnerable hand to you all. Asking you to forgive me that it’s been so long since my last post. Perhaps you can convince me to pop my turtle head out from my shell and to start re-joining the world again.

I also have to remind myself that I haven’t wasted this year. There has still been some positives. For one, our cheeky Labrador pup Winnie is growing up fast. She’s now nearly 9 and a half months old!! It’s been a bloody hard challenge raising her. More tough than I ever expected. There is so much training and dedication that goes into raising a dog. I guess the fatigue has added an extra challenge to that, but it has been worth it. Each time she snuggles up with me, or gives me a little lick and kiss, it makes me feel better. She has forced me to get up and out of bed every day, and to get out for walks, even when I really didn’t feel like it. She makes us laugh on a daily basis with her mischievous and playful nature. She has kept me company through one of the most lonely and isolated times of my life. Thank goodness for dogs hey.

I’m also an Auntie now. My brother and his girlfriend just had a little boy and he’s perfect.

So whilst there has been some highlights, I’m really looking forward to getting this year over with to be honest. This rather low point in my life has forced me to figure out my priorities and what I want from the rest of my life. I know that I always feel better writing and connecting with like-minded people, so one of the first things on my to-do list is to come back on here to write. It won’t be weekly as it was before, but ad-hoc, when I fancy it or have something I want to say. Nothing kills creativity and motivation quicker than a big dollop of pressure right? But it feels good to be back.

So what have I missed??

How have you all been? What have you been up to over the Summer? I’d love to hear how you have gotten over a particularly rough time in your life. Any tips you care to share?

I’ve missed you!

Looking forward to reconnecting with you all.

Lots of Love,

Amanda x

P.S It’s been so bloody long since I’ve done a post, I have literally forgotten how to use Substack haha, so do bare with me if this post comes out a bit weird…