No honorable mentions this week, just eight abysmal character decisions for your reading pleasure.
Mistake #1 — Saxon Greeting His Molly Hangover with a Cup of Joe
This storyline has absolutely ZERO lols and I’m kind of over it! Like… to what end?! I do love how Saxon has made a complete 180 and is basically the people’s princess now, though. Or maybe that’s just me? Because I’m ready to go to war for him à la Charlotte screaming at Big in Sex and City.
Anyways, I basically had panic attack-inducing heart palpitations alongside him as he clutched that coffee mug. Saxon, you need a mimosa and electroshock therapy—not coffee and a protein shake, beloved! He also really needed the support of mummy Chelsea, but had to ruin that chance with a creepy comment. Old habits die hard, I guess, but he could use a damn friend. Get behind me!!!
Mistake #2 — Piper Stalking the Monk’s Whole Entire Life
If there’s one thing I remember from my Intro to Buddhism class in undergrad, it’s that searching for meaning isn’t really the vibe. It’s also, like, the core thing that unites us as humans. So I certainly don’t blame Piper girl—but it is a little ironic that, despite her boo-dism obsession, she’s looking for meaning like blackout Snooki looking for the beach, expecting our sweet monk to have all the answers.
Plus, when your healing journey is both provoked and cushioned by privilege, it’s hard not to come across as shallow no matter how genuine you are.
Mistake # 3 — Rick Moving at a Glacial Pace
In Chapter 17 of the musical soap opera Trapped in the Closet, R. Kelly once sang, “I’m a go buy me a gun, and I’m a come back here and set this motherfucker off!” But nothing was set off, considering the 16 more chapters of mess that ensued. Rick, too, is moving at a glacial pace—and Goggins’ introspective performance and beautiful veneers can only carry the storyline so far.
Mistake #4 — Pornchai Launching Into Business Proposals Post-Shag
Maybe save that for date three, at least?
Mistake # 5 — Jaclyn Not OWNING IT
Well, well, well if it isn’t Miss Jaclyn “I’ll be the victim!” Lemon. Imagine if she loved herself… it could all be so simple! Cause this would be me if I were her:
Mistake #6 — Chloe Giving Libra Risings a Bad Name
As a Libra Sun, Taurus Rising, even I feel the need to REBUKE her.
Mistake #7 —Tim Refusing to Shit or Get Off the Pot
The Ratliffs may not be Catholic, but Tim’s indecision has landed him in purgatory all the same. Like… lawyer up, go on the lam, grab a burner phone to follow the case, or at least talk to your surprisingly spry (sans Lorazepam) wife. Just stand up or something!
Mistake #8 — Fabian Not Keeping Expectations Low
To go a little woo-woo Chelsea—this might be my Virgo Moon showing, but I hate hyping myself up. God forbid I disappoint myself and others! But since Fabian can’t keep his mouth shut about his big performance, I’m fully expecting him to show out like Elijah auditioning for Broadway in Girls.
Speaking of disappointing myself and others… eight bad decisions just isn’t as good as ten. But what can I say? I have a full time job. What else would you add?
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