Welcome to biweekly, boots-on-the-ground reporting from the frontlines of my phone and TV screens. Brought to you by my quest for stimulation.
SUMMER HOUSE ⭐⭐ You didn’t stick out to me!
Carl’s #lemurenergy is so hard look away from. He’s proclaimed to be many versions of himself, all of which feel off, but like… he found out his brother died on screen, so I have a soft spot for the guy.
We need more Lindsay, though—because I can’t sit through much more of Kyle’s seltzer quarrels or Jesse Solomon’s sex terrorism. I’ve even grown weary of Paige’s slow burn breakup arc.
At least we’re not being subjected to much of Danielle. Small blessings.
THE PITT ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Who needs therapy when you have HBO?
As a member of the dead dad club with hospital trauma and a weird superiority complex about having been with someone in their last moments—The Pitt hits different. I can’t stop watching AKA sobbing through every episode. Who needs to work to unpack compartmentalized grief when you can just watch, amirite?
It’s easily my most obsessed weekly viewing besides The White Lotus. And y’all already know my thoughts on that saga—but stay tuned next week for an xxxtra large finale ranking of character flops. Side note since we’re on the topic… I can’t be the only one who’s seen this throwback pic of Carrie Coon 80 times this week on Insta, right?
I wasn’t exactly taking notes this go round, but in the next edition you can expect more fleshed-out takes on The Pitt and a few other current watches, like…
THE RIGHTEOUS GEMSTONES ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Full frontal by Walton Goggins!
Casting Bradley Cooper as the Gemstones' OG evangelical scam artist in this season’s bottle episode premier was an exercise of genius. But with that being said, any episode without dialogue from Judy is an episode too long. Case in point:
ADOLESCENCE ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Xan come get your boy, dog
Great show but WHAT was that kid’s problem?? Not to parent shame but like… if I had children I’d know their browser history like the back of my hand. In the words of Danielle Staub, “PAY ATTENTION, PUHLEASE!”
Speaking of browser history, let’s take look at where my online shopping habits have taken me recently…
You’re probably sick of hearing the term butter yellow by now, but as a self-typed Soft Summer color season… I can’t help that it works for me!
JUST COPPED 🛒Yellow + white fixation pieces
Best finds: Moschino denim jacket found lurking the mens section on Poshmark, Miss Selfridge angora tank also from Poshmark, ballet pumps from AliExpress (sorry), graphic tee from Maranteghe Venezia, United Colors of Benetton cardigan from eBay.
Still in my cart: Yellow D&G aviators, Missoni multi-colored knit top, Handmade mohair hoodie, Brooks Brothers cardigan, Old Navy mohair sweater
JUST FLOPPED 🤡The hell of buying pants online + satin skirts
I ordered two sizes of Nocturne barrel pants, both disasters—think Chuckles the Clown. Then there were the dark-wash Mango jeans that did as much for my ass as my high school khakis.
At least Nordstrom’s return policy remains undefeated. Unfortunately, the trip subjected me to witnessing racks on racks of satin skirts.
What else else has sucked? Oh yes, I almost forgot about…
LOVE IS BLIND ⭐ Bore someone else with your breeding obsession
This season was like watching paint dry—if paint drying had vocal fry.
Without at least a few messy people in the lineup (justice for Shake), the show’s contradictions become impossible to ignore. I can only take so many scenes of people professing their love while looking absolutely dead inside.
Nick and Vanessa love to behold their experiment above all else, but let’s bffr—the show would be much better if they just embraced it for what it is: a test of whether contestants are desperate enough to be sucked into their weird arranged marriage cult.
BOY PARTS ⭐⭐⭐ Not life-changing but at least I read a book!
I love unhinged, unreliable female narrators that use sex and drugs to create dreadful situations for themselves. Chasing the high of books like The Guest and How To Murder Your Life led me to Boy Parts, which wasn’t a complete waste of time, but ultimately didn’t do it for me—much like Animal and The Big Swiss.
Am I missing something? What should I try next? Or should I just keep rotting on TikTok—because that seemed to work for me the last two weeks! Which brings me to…
OFFICIAL SCREEN TIME REPORT 📱It ain’t much, but it’s honest work
I don’t really know how to TikTok, as in actually post… but I was recently inspired by Lady Gaga’s new Luann-de-Lesseps-sound on How Bad Do U Want Me and decided to share my thoughts and it weirdly popped off???? I feel like I deserve compensation.
With 65 (gorgeous) subscribers and now a booming TikTok presence (jk), I’m feeling very Kandi Burress, “I may be small ✨ OoOh✨ but my empire KEEPS on growing.”
Thanks for joining me! Till next time.
IRL HONORABLES🚶♀️Because sometimes I like to touch grass.
Spray tanning
Despite swearing off this practice in 2018 after a mildly offensive shade was showered over me by an inexperienced technician—I’ve fallen deeply (back) in love with the ritual of the Sun Tan City self-spray booth.
Texas Roadhouse
What’s not to love about a humble, dependable franchise that seems to have never changed their menu prices in 10 years? Because for me?
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