I'm in a relationship with myself and it's not going well

a big change is on the horizon of my life, and I’m not excited about it.

my best friend is getting married in May, which means she’s moving out of our shared apartment to go live with her husband-to-be (naturally). this also means that I have to say goodbye to the 26 years of experience I have living with other human beings, and say hello to a brand new chapter where it is only me, myself, and I.

and I’m not too sure which emotion is taking the lead — my sadness that I don’t get to live with her anymore and be in her shining presence 24/7, or the fear that comes with realizing that I now have to rely on being in my own presence 24/7.

to prepare for this shift, I’ve been as proactive as possible. I’m talking to my therapist every other week to process through all of my emotions, fears, and thrills about this next chapter of solitude. I’m making Pinterest boards of what I might want my new apartment to look like. I’m setting goals and ideating new routines that I can’t wait to fall into when my mornings, afternoons, and evenings are all my own.

but none of that is actually getting me ready for what’s coming next. I’m not sure if I’m truly prepared to spend every day with myself. I’m not sure if my relationship with myself can survive that.

everybody that I talk to about this says the same thing:

“living alone was the best time of my life, you’re so lucky!”

“your 20s are the perfect time to date yourself!”

or my favorite, “now you can do whatever you want!”

this last one is the scariest to me, because I am now free to do absolutely anything I want to do — and I don’t have the foggiest idea of what it is I want to do.

let me illuminate my past, so you can step into my fear a little easier.

when I was in high school, I was too anxious about the idea of going away to a 4-year college (even though it was, and still is, my biggest dream to have done so), so I simply didn’t go on any school tours, like everyone else in my class did. instead, I let the application deadlines pass me by, and I signed up to attend my local community college. that ended up being a great experience and I’m glad that I did it. I figured I would be able to make up the remaining 2 years at an out-of-state college and still get the same experience. I was accepted to attend UCF in the spring of 2020. guess what else happened in the spring of 2020? a worldwide pandemic that crushed my second chance at that dream. so I stayed in my parents’ home in Maryland, and I finished my Bachelor’s degree online.

fast forward to 2023, where I still live with my parents because I’ve never really had a reason to leave and I really like saving every single cent that I make from my freelance graphic design job. my best friend Madden asks me if I’d like to rent the spare room in her apartment for the summer so she doesn’t have to find temporary roommates. I say yes, and have an amazing, semi-independent few months of paying rent and living within just a few miles of all of my favorite people.

I move back home after that summer is over, and the following year, my other best friend Hannah tells me she’s looking at law schools in both DC and Boston, and would I like to join her for either one? I say absolutely yes, just tell me where we’re going and I’m there. we end up moving to DC in August of 2024, and we’ve now lived together for almost two years — which have been some of the greatest years of my short life.

now you’re all caught up to the crossroads that I currently find myself at. do you notice a theme within these different “choices” I’ve had to make about where to live? they were all made for me (for the most part). I received invitations that beckoned me to different areas that I lived in for different seasons. I missed out on college applications, so I settled for a 2-year college. the world unexpectedly shut down, causing me to stay home. there was a room to fill, so I took the invitation. and while it’s always been a dream of mine to live in DC, I never would have taken the leap to move here if Hannah hadn’t asked me to.

and now, all my friends are either married or live far away. no one is sending me any more invitations to come live with them. my job is remote, so I can work from anywhere I choose to. this is an opportunity for me to do whatever I want and go wherever I want.

this terrifies me.

and it makes me realize that I might not know myself as well as I think I do. in fact, I don’t know if I know myself very well at all.

if my 20s were meant to be dedicated to dating myself, I fear I ghosted myself at some point and now I’m in a bit of a situationship. not fully showing up for myself, not really understanding who I am, and only wanting to stick around if it feels good.

how am I supposed to date myself when I can barely go to a coffee shop by myself? when I overanalyze any look in my direction as I’m walking alone on the city streets? when it feels too intimate to open my journal and write how I’m feeling so I resort to scrolling on my phone instead?

it occurs to me that these are all symptoms that living alone might solve. but that doesn’t make it any less daunting to enter that season unprepared.

so, I’m asking you, dear reader…

how do you date yourself?

not in a hypothetical way — I’m genuinely asking. what does “dating yourself” look like to you?

what are some routines that make you feel like yourself? where do you feel most connected to yourself? what promises do you keep yourself? what reps do you put in on a monthly, weekly, daily basis to understand yourself even better (and even start to like yourself more)?

how did you push past the uncomfortable beginning part and stay the course until you felt secure, confident, connected?

I would love to hear anything you have to offer me in the comments, if you’d be so kind. because I’m about to be spending a lot of time with myself, and I think it’s time for me to figure out who that girl is… and maybe start to enjoy being in her company.

signed, a girl who’s about to a serious, committed, long-term relationship with herself and doesn’t want to ruin it.