I don't really want a million subscribers

I spend a lot of time on Substack notes.

it feels like the resurrection of my old Tumblr glory days. it make me laugh sometimes, and other times it shows me beautiful art, and often it presents an article that takes my breath away. always, it provides connection. I’ve made a lot of online friends through notes (hi, girls!), and I’ve subscribed to some of my favorite new publications simply because I stumbled across them on my daily scroll.

I’ve seen a lot of Substack notes that go something like this:

“dear Substack, connect me with the people who _______”

“I’m looking for other writers who ______”

“manifesting one thousand subscribers before the end of the month!”

and hear me when I say: there is absolutely nothing wrong with those notes. I’ve posted a few like them myself, and I think they’re so fun to create and interact with! they can be (and for me, they have been) a wonderful tool to foster community — especially when you’re newer to the platform, have low visibility, or want to generate more views, subscribers, or simply connections.

I also know there can be a lot of value that comes with subscribers. for a lot of people, writing is what they want to do full-time, and higher numbers lead to more opportunities and more income. there are a dozen reasons why more subscribers can be meaningful to someone, and I’m not here to knock any of that.

…that’s just not the way I want to move on this app.

let me explain.

I’m a freelance graphic designer. this means that it is entirely up to me to market myself so I can bring in clients and make my money. no one is assigning me tasks at the beginning of the day and nobody is doing the sales for me. it all falls on me.

even though I signed up to be a graphic designer, working on my design projects only takes up about 50% of my actual day-to-day. I spend a lot more time than I ever would have expected doing the grunt work of marketing: ideating social media content, filming Instagram Reels, coming up with captions, scheduling pins on Pinterest, updating my highlights.

I spend a lot of time selling myself. posting my work and hoping people like it enough to hire me. watching my follower count go up on Instagram (because let’s face it, the more followers you have, the more legit you seem). trying to keep my monthly views on Pinterest from falling below six digits.

and I’m really, really tired of that.

so tired, in fact, that I started my Substack at the beginning of this year so I can step away from being constantly “on”, having to create short-form content for views and likes, and curating myself to a version that’s more palatable (AKA hire-able).

here, I can ditch all of that and get back to the root of my being: a girl who loves words. and I don’t have to fit into any sort of mold, because for a long time, no more than 10 people were reading my posts. on the flip side, because no more than 10 people were reading my posts, I wasn’t really having any meaningful conversations back and forth with anyone. just kind of shouting into the void, I guess? and that was still a relief compared to my designer-slash-marketer day job.

but recently, I’ve gotten an influx of new followers and subscribers and eyes on my words and people, like, actually seeing me. I’m both thrilled… and hesitant.

because I never want to forget that quality is soooo much better than quantity.

I’d much rather have 15 people who are devoted to reading, engaging with, and resonating with my words, than 1500 people who have followed me just to get a follow back and don’t really even notice if I’ve posted or not (if they even remember my name).

let’s put it this way:

would you rather be reading your work to a stadium full of people, but every single person in the audience is on their phone instead of listening to you…

or would you prefer to share your words with a small room of people who have their eyes glued on you, every syllable hitting their ears meaningfully, nodding along earnestly to your ideas?

I’d like to think that mostly everyone’s answer would be the latter.

as new subscribers and followers have been gradually filing in the past few weeks, it’s been so fun to meet them. to actually connect their names to their profile pictures and their publication titles. to read their essays and truly ruminate on their thoughts, and leave thoughtful comments on their content. I’m expanding my brain through the ideas of another human who chose to be vulnerable and brave, just like I did.

it’s also been properly gratifying to be on the receiving end of all of those flowers. I was once posting my essays and having them fall into the online abyss. but now, I’m reading replies and realizing that I’m not alone in my struggles, that my experience isn’t singular.

I’ve also had comments that repeat my own writing back to me to tell me how it resonated with them (!!!!!!). to have my work impact somebody else is truly one of the most exciting things I can imagine. it’s all I’ve dreamt of since I was a little girl reading Twilight for the very first time and drafting (not good) short stories in my composition notebook.

and of course if somehow, miraculously, my subscriber count decides to raise to the thousands or hundreds of thousands and I’m still receiving such kindness and gratification and connection as a result, I will certainly be grateful for it.

but I guess I just want to tell you that I’m grateful if you’re here as one of the few in the room who are making eye contact with me while I’m reading my essay to you out loud. you have made my dreams come true in tiny-but-big ways.

& that is worth more than anything one million followers could ever give me.