blowing out all 26 candles

I loved being 25.

I loved feeling my frontal lobe kick in.

I loved that it was the first full year out in the world on my own.

I loved that I lived with my best friend in my favorite city for the whole of it.

I loved that the number felt not too young, not too old. juuuust right.

25 was a big, scary, exciting, beautiful year of discovery and hard truths and coming into myself and figuring out how to be a better version of whoever that is.

usually, I’m a huge birthday person. I love celebrating my friends’ birthdays, and I love my own birthday more than every other day of the year. I love being celebrated and loved on. I love hearing my friends swap memories with me, share their favorite photos of me, and list off the reasons why they love me. and I don’t think it’s a bad thing to admit that!

but as my birthday crept closer and closer this year, I truthfully only felt dread. without even realizing it, my 25th year had come and gone so quickly. I tried to live in the moment, didn’t I? make the most of every second so it didn’t totally fly by? to appreciate it while I had it?

and still, somehow the first week of March glared at me on the calendar, taunting me and threatening me.

it’s hard when a really, really good thing ends. and there’s not really a cure for that. that’s something I’m learning the extra hard way right now.

relentless as time is, I turned 26 last weekend.

and that means I am officially in the second quarter of my life (?!?). it feels so chic, but also so scary. I'm just a girl, but now I'm also, like, an adult? an actual real one.

I’m officially the age of the Friends characters in season 1. I remember watching the sitcom for the first time in high school, and thinking “that level of adulthood feels so far away”. and look, now we’re here.

I blinked.

and suddenly, on Saturday, I woke up, 26 years old.

I blew out the candles on my cake, and the world kept turning.

as the day went on, my dread gradually melted into joy. with every birthday message I received, every hug I gave, every goofy smile of my friends with a small, stupid, sparkly birthday hat on their heads in my beloved apartment… I felt this little flicker of overwhelming gratitude.

the cure for a good thing ending? it’s gratitude. gratitude that it happened in the first place, and that you’re a different, maybe more sparkly version of yourself because of it. and that gratitude might blossom into hope and excitement for whatever the next thing holds for you.

so much change is on the horizon this year. I don’t do well with change (does anyone, really?). I’m honestly terrified of the unknown, and there’s a lot of that in the year ahead of me. but I want to approach it with gratitude and fullness, rather than fear and emptiness.

so my wish for my 26th year is that I prove to myself that I can handle it with grace.

that I can see the beauty and magic of this chapter in the moment, not in hindsight.

that I’m brave enough take leaps of faith out of my many comfort zones knowing that I'll be not just okay, but better because of them.

and that I read a few more books than I did at 25 (we'll see how that shakes out this year).

one of the greatest birthday presents I received this year was the new Harry Styles album which has already gone triple platinum in my household. it dropped 24 hours before my birthday, which means that I listened to it on repeat for the entirety of my special weekend. I’m so glad that I will always look back at this weekend, or listen to this album, remembering that it was the soundtrack for such an important shift in my life.

the final song (and the best song H has ever made) is called “Carla’s Song”. it’s about how Harry showed his friend Carla the song “Bridge Over Troubled Water” by Simon & Garfunkel (coincidentally, a song off of my favorite record that I own and have practically listened to until the vinyl has scratched off), and watching as she discovered the beauty and magic in this one song, having never heard it before but instantly changed for the better because of it. it inspired him to write this song about how music impacts us all in such unique but supremely special ways, and how much more art there is out there waiting for us to adore it.

in the song, Harry sings “it’s all waiting there for you” over and over. it feels like he’s singing it right to me. like he knows that I need to hear exactly that, that something wonderful and life-changing is out there waiting for me. this tiny mantra filled me with such hope, expectation, gratitude, joy. naturally, I listened to it probably 10 times on my birthday alone.

so, needless to say, “Carla’s Song” is now the theme song of my 26th year. thanks, H.

for me, I’m not entirely sure what “it” is that’s waiting there for me… but I do know that I’m excited to see what it will be. and I know I’ll be held all the way there.

growth is not linear, but it is magical. I’m excited to see how 26 treats me, and who I’ll be by the time this year is over.

thank you for blowing out my candles with me. ⟡˚₊