Part III: The Authentic Self: Safety, Opportunity, Masking, and Boundaries

Dr. Matthew Zakreski, PsyD, also known as Dr. Matt, is a clinical psychologist, professional speaker, and Founder & Lead Psychologist of The Neurodiversity Collective. He specializes in supporting neurodivergent people, including gifted, ADHD, autistic, and dyslexic individuals, with particular emphasis on the social and emotional needs of young people. Zakreski earned his PsyD in Clinical Psychology from Widener University. He is the author of Neurodiversity Playbook: How Neurodivergent People Can Crack the Code of Living in a Neurotypical World, published in late 2024.

In this interview, Scott Douglas Jacobsen and Dr. Matthew Zakreski explore how children develop an authentic rather than performative self. Zakreski identifies safety and opportunity as essential conditions for authenticity, particularly for neurodivergent people whose self-regulatory needs may fall outside social norms. They discuss masking, deep engagement with personal interests, and the distinction between genuine self-expression and impulsivity. Authenticity, Zakreski argues, requires self-awareness, intentionality, boundaries, context, and respect for other people within relationships responsibly expressed.

Scott Douglas Jacobsen: That brings us to the second part of that line of questioning. One concept that often comes up in conversations with experts in Autism Spectrum conditions or broader personality dynamics is the contrast between the false self and the authentic self. You alluded to this directly when you mentioned inauthenticity.

So, to put it more plainly, How do you encourage the development of an authentic self in children—distinct from the false, performative self? How do you “feed that first wolf,” so to speak?

Dr. Matthew Zakreski: That’s a great way to put it. And I think—interestingly—we’re starting to see the pendulum swing back. Authenticity seems to matter a lot more to the current and emerging generation. They’re not all chasing clout the way prior generations did.

I recently saw a kid on social media post a short video—maybe thirty seconds—saying, “Hey, I know you all were expecting a post from me today, but honestly, what I need right now is to just play with my Legos. So, that’s what I’m going to do.”

It wasn’t sponsored, and he was not trying to monetize it. This kid said, “I know you think I’m cool, but today, I just need this.” That struck me because he could have opted into the false self, the performance, and the show. But instead, he chose authenticity. He said, “This is what I need today. You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to understand it. But I’m being real with you.”

Now, authenticity blooms from two key variables—both of which are, unfortunately, increasingly in short supply.

The first is safety. You cannot be your authentic self if you do not feel emotionally and psychologically safe. That sense of safety allows you to drop the mask and be who you truly are without fear of ridicule, abandonment, or punishment.

The second is opportunity. And I do not mean the kind of opportunity to try a hundred things for five minutes each. I mean the chance that allows a child to go deep into what speaks to them. To chase something as far and as long as they need to—knowing it might take them in unexpected directions.

Many parents find uncertainty and openness to discovery difficult, especially when they say, “Well, how are you going to make it as an actor?” Fear is often disguised as pragmatism.

“Well, I don’t know—but I love acting. I love being in plays. I love doing stand-up comedy. I love all of it. I’m not worried about what my life will look like in the future. I’m engaging with this right now.”

And there’s that tension, right? Between: “I feel authentic in this space” and “Is this moving me forward meaningfully?” That’s a tricky balance to strike.

One of my favourite examples of authenticity comes from my own professional life. In addition to being a psychologist, I’m also a professional speaker. A few years ago, I was in the green room at a conference in Indiana. I knew one of the other speakers quite well. We sat there, waiting for our turns to present, and she was visibly anxious.

Other people in the room started giving her unsolicited advice: “Here’s how to calm down,” “Try this breathing technique,” and “Just ground yourself.” But I knew her better than that. So I said, “Hey, I remember that when you get anxious, you need to stim. Would you like to stim with me?”

She looked me right in the eye and said, “That’s exactly what I need.”

So we stepped into a more private space, and she allowed herself to stim—engaging in self-regulatory behaviour that helped her manage her anxiety. Once she did that, she immediately re-regulated. Ten minutes later, she went on stage and crushed her presentation.

What stood out to me was that she didn’t feel safe enough to stim in a room full of people she didn’t know well. That’s this core: even when you know your authentic needs, you still need the opportunity and safety to act on them. And if the things that help you regulate—especially those that feel authentic—are a bit “weird” or fall outside of social norms, then the threat of judgment can be enough to make you avoid them altogether.

Jacobsen: I interviewed Ramani Durvasula earlier in this ongoing series on narcissism—which I’m still building piece by piece—, and one of the things she said that struck me as very insightful was this:

“An authentic person is not an unhinged person.”

That stuck with me. It’s a critical distinction. Authenticity can sometimes be confused with just doing or saying whatever you want, especially among younger people or in pop culture. For example, “I’m in this space so that I can act however I feel—I can say anything without regard for others or consequences.”

But that’s not authenticity—that’s impulsivity. Depending on the context, that’s entitlement or even dysregulation.

How do you clarify that distinction for people—especially across generational lines? Because older generations might misunderstand authenticity as immaturity, while younger ones might confuse it with boundary-less expression.

Zakreski: That’s such a great question, and I love that quote from Ramani. It captures the vitality of this issue.

I would frame it here: authenticity is rooted in awareness and intentionality. It’s not about saying whatever comes to mind or behaving however you want just because “that’s who you are.” That’s not self-awareness; that’s a lack of regulation.

Genuine authenticity means knowing yourself well enough to express who you are in a way that honours yourself and the space you’re about. You don’t fak don’t, but you also don’t but don’t everyone else in the name of “being re “l.”

We help “kids develop this distinction by teaching them that authenticity is not license—it’s lightest. It’s the Interaction between your internal experience and your external expression, done with an awareness of context, boundaries, and others.

And that’s a way to torch much interpersonal support—when you prioritize performative authenticity over meaningful connection.

Scott Douglas Jacobsen is the Lifestyle and Finance Writer and Editor for A Further Inquiry with more than 400 published articles in the outlet. He is the Founder and Publisher of In-Sight Publishing (ISBN: 978–1–0692343; 978–1–0673505) and Editor-in-Chief of In-Sight: Interviews (ISSN: 2369–6885). He writes for International Policy Digest (ISSN: 2332–9416), The Humanist (Print: ISSN, 0018–7399; Online: ISSN, 2163–3576), Basic Income Earth Network (UK Registered Charity 1177066), Humanist Perspectives (ISSN: 1719–6337), Vocal, Medium, The Good Men Project, The New Enlightenment Project, The Washington Outsider, rabble.ca, and other media. His bibliography index can be found via the Jacobsen Bank at In-Sight Publishing. He has served in national and international leadership roles within humanist and media organizations, held several academic fellowships, and currently serves on several boards. He is a member in good standing in numerous media organizations, including the Canadian Association of Journalists, PEN Canada (CRA: 88916 2541 RR0001), Reporters Without Borders (SIREN: 343 684 221/SIRET: 343 684 221 00041/EIN: 20–0708028), and others.

Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

Thanks for reading A Further Inquiry! This post is public so feel free to share it.