Help!
I’m serious.
I don’t even remember the last time I had a crush.
Note: having a crush and having feelings to me are two different things. Feelings is when we start talking, become friends and then either in the process of becoming friends or while already being friends, I realize my heart is going a different direction. Having a crush is when I like you before we have an established relationship. When I like you and all we say to each other is hi.
Going through my memory and the last time I had a crush was about seven years ago. And from what I remember from me having crushes, I become an obsessive lowkey paranoid person who would do anything to spend more time with you.
Think Madison from Xo Kitty when she was pining for Minho.
It’s creepy. I know it’s creepy. Which is why I am trying to stop myself from repeating it again right now.
He added me on snap aka, I’ve officially met him
But I have also found his twitter and ig. And promptly banned myself from finding any more information because wtf Chineme.
I saw him at a night out and the entire time he was in my vicinity guess what I was doing. Yup, my eyes were tracking. The people he spoke to, the girls he hugged.
I also found out that this ‘everyone knows everyone in Lagos’ thing I keep hearing isn’t actually a myth cause I told my girl about me fighting the urge to text him and apparently, one of her close friends is best friends with him. And this is one angle. One of the guys that was talking to him at that party, came to hit on me. Angle two. One of the girls he hugged? Close friends with one of my other close friends.
I don’t even want to know what other threads connect me and this boy. Also, I hope y’all can see how obsessive I become cause why am I doing these kind of connections in my head.
Do you know how badly I kept stifling the urge to text yesterday. I also don’t know how to talk to him. Like what if he finds me boring? I shiver thinking about it.
My only consolation is that the day we met, he approached me first and introduced himself. But that is immediately offset by the fact we barely spent time together in person, so we have to actually build something over text.
Okay lowkey typing this is making me ask myself the important question. ‘Is this a crush crush or a friend crush?’ cause I get a bit obsessive over both.
My last friend crush, I was overthinking my behaviour so much that I just died of embarrassment and let whatever camaderie I had built up die.
And I kid you not, it went exactly like this; I would text him, and in the space he took to respond, I would consider double texting or triple texting. Then I kept wondering if I was even cool enough to talk to him. A lot of our conversations fell flat.
Okay wait, I might be a bad texter, but I swear a good textual conversation needs both people to be willing participants, right?
Huh! Well, that’s even more embarrassing.
Also, the circumstance we met was a very sad one, so I guess that’s an excuse for him, despite him posting on his story.
I just remembered last Sunday when I was sat beside a girl, who I had a friend crush on(I’m also lowkey attracted to her. the way she carries herself and all), and I genuinely couldn’t speak to her. Like I couldn’t really hold a conversation because I didn’t even know what to say.
Do y’all see a pattern?
Please someone come teach me how to talk to people. Teach me how to make friends. Thank you.
Now back to the initial reason I started this. The inspiration behind this note (and a few tweets) that I made to not double text him. Do you guys know that every time my snapchat dinged yesterday I was scrambling to my phone to see if he had texted me back.
Whoa. I just thought up the perfect response to a voice note he sent me. Excuse me. hehe.
I’m back. Listened to the voice note again and realized my response didn’t cut it. Back to square zero.
I think it’s a friend crush though. Cause I have zero desire to flirt seriously. Wait. What if I have no desire to flirt seriously because I don’t ever get feelings for anyone until they know me know me? Cause I’m a very friend to lovers’ person. For there to be feelings I have to trust you. At least to some degree. It’s also why 2am deep calls work on me.
Anyway, it’s definitely a friend crush for now.
Yes, despite the fact I dreamt about him. Because guys I swear, I want to kiss everyone I am slightly attracted to (this is where self-control comes in). My feelings don’t have to be in the room. Feelings for me just enhances the kissing experience. And the dream was a makeout dream not a relationship dream.
I’m genuinely hoping I get over what the fuck this is and end up having him as a friend instead of choosing to be embarrassed and letting it die (I’m an avoidant unfortunately)
I just need to get my head out my ass and remember I’m a bad bitch. Chineme you’re a bad bitch.
CHINEME YOU’RE A BAD BITCH.
I swear I don’t even feel like one. I feel like the girl that got excluded by her friends in SS1 and did everything to have them back and still failed. Is this why I always feel like my friends barely tolerate me? (girl that’s trauma to decode another day, we have more pressing matters)
Ughhh Secondary school repressed memories are coming up. GO BACK, YOU’RE SHOVED FOR A REASON.
Okay. Bad Bitch. I should just respond right? What if it kills the chat? (little more context, the vn came in when I was asleep)
I responded. I used the fuck it method cause I’m genuinely overthinking this.
Wish me luck.
Note: this was written days ago. This intensity has faded. But if you want to know what happened next, let me know.
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