I have no crush

So whatever crush I had on this guy is officially gone. Someone say hallelujahhhh.

I want to say this is the update no one asked for but people are actually looking forward to this. Someone say POWER. I’m not talking into a void.

Okay first of all, I’m actually proud of myself for how I handled this crush. Considering he has the same handle everywhere, I found his Twitter, TikTok and Insta. But guess who didn’t mass follow and comment?

Me (clap for me cause my self-control was working overtime)

But viewing his profile on twitter one too many times sent his tweets to my timeline, and I did quote one of his tweets which he liked. But the good thing is that my twitter is the vaguest thing ever. Like there’s nothing on there that connects to me. No media, no pfp, no sensible username, no bio.

Anyway, I did text him back after our last post. It led to a short discussion and died. I did try to be honest and tell him that his text habits are extremely shitty and if we were going to try to get to know each other it won’t flow. Which he apologized for. Then didn’t respond.

Then in a last vein attempt, I texted again a few days later. Immediately deleted but for some reason that got his attention.

He was like “Oh shit, has it gotten to the point where you’re deleting messages?”

I told him yeah because I can’t always be the one initiating shit.

He apologized. Again.

And I told him that while I’m cool with the apology, it lowkey means nothing if there’s no change from his end. Then I asked if he’ll be cool with call since he mostly communicates with voice notes. He said no that he prefers texts to calls.

I kinda gave up right there to be honest. Like I can’t be doing all the work. I don’t remember what I said after that, but I’ve been on delivered for two days and counting.

Also, my irritation is overrunning everything I previously felt. I’m not Jesus abeg, I don’t have that much olive branches to extend. If he texts me, that’s fine, I’ll respond and if he doesn’t, that’s also fine. One thing I’m sure of is that I’ll meet him again (Lagos is too small and we both like nightlife so it’s inevitable).

I’m just happy I communicated maturely and I genuinely tried. And for once I said what was in my mind without holding myself back in fear of being too much or too emotional or too dramatic (I do this a lot, and a lot of things within me go unsaid and with this I feel clear, like the ball is genuinely in his court)

Now let me talk about why this friendship crush hit hard. I had seen him on TikTok one time, doing the goofiest shit ever and I remember thinking to myself that he’ll be a fun person to be around. But I kinda brushed him off my mind till I met him in person.

And with my little cyberstalk during my obsessive phase I’m not even going to lie; he’s become somewhat of an inspiration.

On his insta he had a few magazine interviews about him pinned, and I read through it and my goodness.

He’s someone that has zero fear of being perceived and as someone that has that fear, it was nice to see someone just live. To have an idea and go for it. To pivot as many times as he feels like.

I have an idea and overthink the multiple ways it could fail. And it’s something I need to change about myself. I have so many ideas, so many things I want to do but the fear of failure is so strong for me that I just stay within the barrier my brain has deemed safe.

So, while I’m not in an obsessive place anymore, I can’t lie and say I don’t want to be his friend because at this point, he’s serving as a push to myself. A way of telling myself that if someone can do it, then I can too.

Honestly, my escapades with men this year, apart from being for sexual gratification, has taught me different things about myself. That I like the creative space. Music, Comedy, Photography, Journalism. It’s the only place where I don’t feel stifled, unlike a traditional 9 - 5 and it’s a nice realization because I never imagined these spaces as a career growing up.

I’ve never been one to manifest on the internet or even let myself be seen. This publication took courage to start and in a way is hard to write cause with every increase in subscribers, I overthink what I share. Even the crush post took a lot out of me to hit publish.

But writing without my essence and my feelings involved is hard. I have never been able to write apathetically. This publication is literally called A Day in the Life.

And media is a hard place to be in without letting your essence be inside because the only thing that differentiates your art with another person’s art is you. Your voice, your feeling, your soul.

So, this is mostly a reminder to myself to try things. Even things I think I’m not skilled enough in. Because sometimes you could be afraid to go for something thinking you’re not very skilled and then someone with less skill than you tries and they get it.

That being said, I’m posting this to hold myself accountable. I have four music album reviews to write and post. If I want to work for a media house or magazine, I need to have articles to show them.

Also, people get hired simply off being seen in public. I can’t help but think of a situation whereby someone hits me up like. “I saw your writing; I want to hire you to…”. That’s literally the dream and I can’t get there without allowing myself to be perceived.

so in a way this crush was useful. also I feel like those linkedin people that find a teachable moment from any minute thing.

also do you guys feel me in what I write? (YES or NO in comments)

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