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this is the lesson plan. Listen so that you have baseline insight for the tutorial.
I bet you’re wondering how I want to do this. To be honest, I’m not sure. I have a fleeting idea that’s coming and going so y’all are going to sit with me throughout this shitshow.
Also note, this is for kiki purposes only. Like I genuinely don’t mean half of the stuff I’m going to spew.
Everyone knows the dating pool is a no longer a pool but a swamp. Murky. Questionable. A body of hormones and deceit. Something is definitely moving inside it, but you don’t want to find out what.
Boys are chasing sex. Girls are chasing money. Everyone is chasing something except… love.
If you’re a lover girl, this isn’t for you o. This is for the girls who looked at the chaos and said, “you know what? I too will swim.”
This is for getting your lick back.
I want it to be for the boys too, but I fear y’all have mastered how to be heartbreakers. Y’all wrote the book, we ladies just want to catch up.
(me making this up as I go is actually what is killing me. Be unserious guys, it’s so fun)
See ehn, as a happening babe, you have to remember you are the prize, and other talking points. My point is, you’re at the club. A guy comes up to you. You’re tipsy. You’re a youngho. He’s hot. You’re kinda feeling him.
Club ends. Contrary to popular belief, you have a libido. You want to sleep with this man. So what do you do?
Now according to the humble words of Marina, you should. And he should wake up in the morning with your side of the bed cold because you’ve gotten out.
But how I actually interpret this is, do what you wanna do. Wanna kiss him? kiss him. Wanna fuck him? fuck him. Wanna cosplay a relationship? Cosplay it. Wanna just have someone to go on dates with? Do it.
Just don’t linger. You’ve done what you came to do. You’ve kissed him. You fucked him. Now walk away.
Please actually walk away cause it’s annoyingly painful when they walk away first. This is me speaking from experience. Cause how dare you leave me before I left you? So, walk away. Don’t look back.
Utilize the words of Camila Cabello: “I love you, but I love me more.”
This is mainly for my friend with benefits crowd. I think… I’m not sure. I have two interpretations for this.
Interpretation 1: Don’t fuck your friends? I dunno. It seems wrong now I think about it. Like as long as you’re safe and both on the same page, fuck ‘em.
So I think my interpretation two is what she meant. Don’t catch feelings for someone you know isn’t really there for you emotionally. Like if you’re with this guy for dates or as a fake relationship or he’s on your roster, don’t elevate his position.
If he’s a fuck buddy, keep him in the fuck buddy place. Your heart shouldn’t be getting involved. If your heart is getting involved, see Rule 1.
Also, you’re trying to break his heart so why is your heart getting involved. Babygirl, thinkkkkk. Be smart. Be wicked.
Na me dey advice, na me no dey take advice. Do as I say not as I do. Me and the boy I’m attached to will be fine. We’ll see where my attachment goes. Whether is grows or dies.
But I’m actually not out to break his heart. Can’t be creating supervillains in this day and age. Do you know how hard it is to get over me? #humblebrag
(Please enjoy the chorus while I try to get MARINA on the phone)
How to be a heartbreaker
Boys they like the look of danger
We'll get him falling for a stranger
A player, singing I lo-lo-love you
At least I think I do
Me: Good day, I’m trying to reach MARINA. I have a few questions for her.
Agent inaudible to the reader (for privacy purposes. Also, so I don’t get sued)
Me: No this is really important
Agent: …
Me: No, I don’t work with any paparazzi.
Agent: …
Me: No, I don’t work with a magazine. Just a small publication.
Agent: …
Me: Yes, I’ve tried mail. I didn’t get a response.
Agent: …
Me: Well, I got the nerve to call because I saw the number and assumed that maybe you didn’t receive my mail.
Agent: …
Me: Please it’s just one little interview.
Agent: …
Me: Okay can I just ask one question? Please.
Agent hangs up.
Me: I just want to know who broke her heart, these tips are a little bit harsh. Why are we telling innocent people we love them? Well, all men aren’t innocent, but some are. What if these tricks are on someone innocent? What am I being paid to teach?
You’ve caught feelings. Congratulations.
Now hide it.
Welcome back from your break my lovely students.
Okay, you know the saying ‘wear your heart on your sleeve’. Originating from medieval jousts, where a 'sleeve' referred to a piece of armor which covered and protected the arm. Knights would often wear a lady's scarf or ribbon around their sleeve of armor, which indicated to the tournament's spectators which lady the knight favored.
(#dropping actual knowledge in the class)
So, it basically means, a display of your emotions. How you feel about stuff.
Now ‘wearing your heart on your cheek’ is the complete opposite of that. Considering I could not find the etymology; I think Marina is a trendsetter. I think she coined that phrase. Urban Dictionary certainly thinks so.
Anywho, this rule is for the breakers of rule 2. You got attached right? Well, don’t let him know. Hide the fuck out of that attachment while you kill it and run away.
I have unfortunately also broken this rule. But like I said I’m not trying to be a heartbreaker here, you guys are.
Don’t judge me. This is a teaching job and I need the money.
But yes. He shouldn’t know how you feel emotionally. He should be doing pros and cons on whether you actually like him or not. Serious mental gymnastics. That’s how you know you’re doing a good job.
He might lovebomb but you stay strong. If he’s getting close. Rule 1. Exit stage left.
Damn Marina thought of everything.
How do you want to break his heart if he’s not obsessed with you?
Think about it.
It doesn’t work.
So, once you have mastered rules 1,2 and 3. You go out into the world.
And outside, never play all your cards.
Don’t give everything.
Don’t even give most things.
Give just enough to make him start imagining the rest.
Because overexposure kills mystery.
And mystery is what keeps him thinking about you long after you’re gone.
And you definitely want him thinking about you. To have him thinking about you so much your essence cements itself in his brain. That’s how he gets obsessed. That’s how you break his heart.
For example, there’s a book I read. Between a doctor and a tarot reader. They were fuck buddies but get this, they never kissed.
That was her bait. The kiss.
Another book, she literally had the personality of the sun, so much so that he literally felt his entire world dim the moment she walked away.
Like you need to have something that lingers after you leave. Something unique to you to string him along.
Be creative with it. winkwink
Because when you go—and you will go—you want your absence to feel loud.
Before I end this TED Talk of questionable morals, I would like to note that I am not a heartbreaker, hence me not being able to use personal stories.
If anything, I am a repeat offender forced to tutor for money.
Also, I would like to humbly request that my tutorials not be used on innocent men. We cannot be letting more villains lose into the dating pool. Use these tutorials only on men who are already villains.
Go outplay the playboys.
Outfuck the fuckboys.
In the humble words of Marina who created these rules probably after being played by men…
Girls, we do whatever it will take
'Cause girls don't want, we don't want our hearts to break
In two, so it's better to be fake
Can't risk losin' in love again, babe
But also… if you find something real? Don’t ruin it because you were too busy trying to win.
Author’s note: I had this idea the moment I heard this song for the first time. Like legit, I stopped. Opened the lyrics, read it, laughed, let the song loop while wondering who hurt my girl, then the tutorial idea came to mind.
Frankly I didn’t know how to execute it, so I left it. But whenever the song came up on my playlists, the idea nagged at me. Today, while avoiding writing something else, I decided, fuck it. Let’s see where the whimsy takes me.
So, it’s Friday, take this wonderful knowledge I have bestowed upon you to the clubs and use it there. You’re welcome
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