What to Do When Your Mind Is Being a Jerk

Howdy readers!

Last week we talked about self-esteem—that thing we often treat as the Holy Grail of happiness, confidence, productivity, success, and probably good hair days too.

In short, self-esteem is an opinion you have about yourself: your abilities, your worth, and what kind of person you are.

Sounds harmless enough.

The problem is that your mind isn’t exactly an unbiased reviewer. It tends to focus on what went wrong, what you could have done better, your mistakes, flaws, and shortcomings. And if your self-esteem is based on the opinions of that reviewer... well, you can probably see the problem.

Most people end up playing a game they can’t consistently win: trying to feel good about themselves all the time.

So instead of trying to improve your self-esteem, what if you changed your relationship with the thoughts that attack it?

I’d like to invite you to try a little ACT experiment the next time your mind starts tearing you down.

Grab a piece of paper and think about the last time you judged yourself harshly or felt your self-esteem take a hit.

Let’s say you’re giving a presentation and, halfway through, you start babbling.

A → Accept (or, as I prefer to call it, Make Room)

The word acceptance gets a bad reputation. People hear it and think it means giving up.

That’s not what we’re doing here.

We’re making room for uncomfortable thoughts and feelings without getting dragged around by them.

Notice what your mind is saying. Notice the exact words it uses.

For example:

“I notice that my mind is telling me I’m incompetent. It’s telling me everyone thinks I’ve made a fool of myself. It’s telling me that even though the presentation went well overall, the only thing that matters is the moment I stumbled.”

These thoughts may feel important, but they’re still thoughts—not facts, not commands, and not objective truths.

C → Connect

Next, connect with what matters to you in this situation.

What kind of person do you want to be? What values are you trying to live by?

For example:

“I care about learning, contributing, and growing professionally. Giving presentations is one way I live those values, even when it’s uncomfortable.”

Notice that we’re shifting attention away from “Am I good enough?” and toward “What matters to me?”

T → Take Action

Now take one small action that moves you in that direction.

For example:

“I can ask a colleague for feedback on the presentation.”

Or maybe you volunteer for the next presentation instead of avoiding it for the next six months.

The action doesn’t have to be big. It just has to move you toward the life you want to build.

Try this little experiment the next time your mind starts criticizing you and see what changes.

‘Till next time!

If you want help putting this into practice beyond a one-off exercise, this is exactly the kind of work I do in therapy sessions.

We look at what your mind tends to do under stress, how you get hooked by it, and how to build a different kind of relationship with those thoughts—one that doesn’t run your life from the background.

If that feels relevant for you, you can reach out and we can see if working together makes sense.