The Problem with Self-Esteem

We’re often told that people with high self-esteem are more confident, more successful, and more likely to achieve their goals.

And that people with low self-esteem struggle with confidence, hold themselves back, and end up achieving less.

It sounds reasonable.

But what if the relationship between self-esteem and well-being is not as straightforward as it seems?

First, let’s define what self-esteem actually is.

Self-esteem is an opinion about yourself. It’s the assessment you make about your abilities, your qualities, and your worth as a person.

High self-esteem means you have a positive evaluation of yourself.

Low self-esteem means you have a negative one.

The important word here is evaluation.

Now I’d like to invite you to try a small experiment.

Take a minute and think about your qualities. What do you appreciate about yourself?

Then take another minute and think about the things you don’t like about yourself. Your flaws, mistakes, shortcomings, or areas where you’d like to improve.

If you’re like most people, the second list probably came much faster.

That’s not because you’re secretly terrible.

It’s because our minds are very good at spotting what is missing, what could go wrong, and what still needs fixing.

You finish a project and your mind says:

“Yes, but it could have been better.”

You go for a run and your mind says:

“Yes, but you could have gone faster.”

You get the promotion and your mind says:

“Great. What’s next?”

No matter how much progress we make, the mind is remarkably good at moving the goalposts.

And this is where things get interesting.

If my sense of worth depends on achieving enough, improving enough, or becoming enough, then there is always another condition to meet before I can finally feel good about myself.

The problem isn’t that positive self-esteem is bad.

And because the standards keep changing, the project never really ends.

When self-esteem is low, we often suffer because we believe we aren’t good enough.

When self-esteem is high, we may find ourselves working hard to protect it, afraid of failure, criticism, or anything that might threaten the positive image we’ve built.

Either way, a lot of energy gets spent managing the story we have about ourselves.

The question is:

From an ACT perspective, the goal isn’t to have high self-esteem.

It’s not to convince yourself that you’re amazing.

And it’s not to eliminate every negative thought about yourself.

The goal is to stop treating those thoughts as the ultimate authority on how you should live.

Your mind will continue producing opinions.

Some will be positive.

Some will be negative.

Some will be useful.

Many won’t.

But they are still opinions.

You don’t have to wait until you feel worthy enough, confident enough, or certain enough before taking action.

Instead, you can ask a different question:

“What matters to me?”

Then take a small step in that direction.

And another.

And another.

Many people spend years trying to feel good enough before they start living.

But what if “good enough” is the wrong project?

What if the goal is not to win the argument with your mind, but to build a life that matters while the argument continues?

Next week, I’ll share a simple exercise that can help you respond differently when your mind starts telling you those familiar stories about who you are.

And if you are still struggling with self-esteem story and feel like it has taken up your life, I have some therapy slots open in the next month. Reach out on irinaparaschiv.com and see if we are a good fit.