©Susanne M. Alexander
Have you ever begun a conversation with your partner only to discover that you seem to have different values on the topic?
Like many words you use regularly, “values” is difficult to define precisely. The intent is that it guides your behavior and is considered important by many in society. Some examples include:
I value having family members and coworkers who are truthful
I consider handling money responsibly an important value
It’s important to me that our children receive a good education; I value learning.
I see how challenging our relationship becomes when we don’t communicate; staying connected with each other is something I value
I value our children having diverse friends and working with them to make our neighborhood a better place to live
Knowing that you value the same things creates safety and security in your relationship. You can predict how your partner is likely to respond in any situation. Having values in common reduces conflict between you because you already have a foundation of agreement on a topic. You can reaffirm your shared values before you dive deeper into a topic, and this sets the stage for an Accordia Way discussion on a positive note.
Hopefully, you already share many values. For example, Jack and Tracey value family gatherings and schedule activities with their extended family every two weeks. However, Angelica and Garcia grew up in different countries and learned different parenting approaches. Angelica values exposing their children to diverse environments, people, and experiences. Garcia learned that it was unsafe to venture away from home, so he prioritizes creating a home environment for their children over experiences that take them away from it.
If you are like Angelica and Garcia, you can apply the following principles of the Accordia Way:
State what you have in common (shared love for the children)
Step into each other’s perspective, listen, and understand each other’s fears and wishes; avoid defending your own views
Explore what you appreciate and respect in each other’s values
Determine what could shift behaviors toward each other (Garcia could assess the actual safety conditions where they live and practice courage in leaving the home; Angelica could be more careful in choosing activities for the children that don’t trigger his fears but still offer the children new experiences)
Agree on plans to carry out (create a stimulating home environment for the children, choose activities outside the home for the children, and decide who will accompany them)
It can be helpful to write a list of the shared values you consider important and update it over time. The more your values align, the smoother your decision-making will be and the more confident you will be in your ability to create a safe communication space with each other.
Coach Susanne M. Alexander
If you’d like to become more mindful of how to navigate difficult moments in your relationship, the Accordia Way is designed to support you. It’s a process for making decisions together and overcoming challenges in unity, not by avoiding differences, but by learning to communicate with respect, clarity, and care.
Coach Susanne: Susanne@marriagetransformation.com
Coach Adrian: Adrian@thecoachadrian.com
Accordia Way Communication Mirror – a free 60-second check-in tool to help couples notice whether their conversations are respectful, safe, and collaborative over time. https://qrco.de/aw-mirror
“Let’s Answer Your Most Pressing Questions Together” – a simple form where you can share real questions and challenges about money, decision-making, parenting differences, and long-term planning. Your submissions help shape future videos and live sessions. https://qrco.de/aw-answer
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