Parenting When Your Styles Differ

© Kelly Sikkema, unsplash

How did your parents raise you? How is that influencing how you parent your own children?

Karin grew up with very permissive parents. They had low expectations, few rules, and lenient discipline. They were warm and loving, but they did not provide Karin with the structure needed to learn positive behaviors. Her husband, Karl, was raised by very authoritarian parents. While they had high expectations and clear rules, they were forceful, autocratic, and rigid in their approach, and discipline looked more like punishment than learning. They were often cool and less affectionate with him. As parents, Karin and Karl struggle when they behave as they were raised, resulting in frequent conflict. Their children are also struggling.

It’s likely that you and your partner have different styles of raising your children. How you were raised is a significant factor. In addition, you may have studied parenting materials, observed other parents, and been influenced by the culture you live in.

Your aim is an agreed-upon, unified approach, a chosen style or combination of styles that you both strive to implement in a learning-in-action environment. Being in a learning mode means you avoid criticism and reflect together on what’s working and what you want to change.

Begin with understanding the standard set of styles:

1. Uninvolved or Neglectful: Parents are disengaged from their children and provide little supervision or parenting guidance. Love and warmth are generally absent.

2. Permissive: Parents act like peers or friends, offering few guidelines and little discipline. Although they are affectionate, they rarely provide a secure foundation and are unable to set behavioral goals and standards for their children.

3. Authoritarian: Parents are very demanding and enforce strict rules that children are required to obey. Children have little voice in what happens to them. Emotionally, parents do not give much affection and do not expect much from their children.

4. Authoritative or Balanced: Parents set high expectations and are highly responsive and encouraging in meeting their children’s needs. They are consistent in enforcing behavioral rules and provide guidance with love and clear communication rather than issuing orders. Children experience care from their parents and tend to respect them.

You can see that “Authoritative or Balanced” is likely the best style to adopt and practice among these four choices. However, there is more to consider. Accordia Way invites you to add other elements. The result will be that you, in effect, create a style of your own.

1. Apply Virtues: The words and actions that parents use with each other and with their children are all influenced by virtues such as kindness, respect, justice, courtesy, moderation, gentleness, and helpfulness.

2. Virtue-Based Standards: The example and standards the parents set for the children are also grounded in virtues such as responsibility, self-discipline, service, truthfulness, compassion, and trustworthiness. Children learn the skills that help them deal with difficulties effectively and prepare to become independent adults. Siblings are taught to be cooperative rather than competitive. The family operates in unity.

3. Purposeful Lives: The children are supported in developing clear, positive purposes for their lives that benefit themselves, their families, and their community. They are also given a spiritual foundation.

4. Consultative Approach: Family meetings allow children to develop their own thoughts and perspectives and to contribute their voices to matters that affect them and the whole family. Final decisions will often rest with the parents, but children learn that their contributions matter to the outcome.

5. Look to the Future: Parents take the long view, linking their words and actions with their children in the present to the outcomes for their children’s behavior as they grow and develop into healthy, high-functioning adults. They are committed to raising their children to serve and contribute to other people. Parents recognize that the quality of their relationship and the partnership and respect between them provide a model for their children’s future relationships.

As Karin and Karl assess their parenting styles and recognize they want to adopt a new approach, they give themselves grace and mercy to be learners and to encourage each other. The influence of their upbringing is deeply ingrained in them. They decide to lighten up and add humor to their efforts, review their parenting each week to identify what they did well and what to improve, and involve their children in the learning process. They are encouraged by the new atmosphere in their home, and their children are happier and doing better at school, in their neighborhood, and at home.

What do you want your style to be?

Coach Susanne M. Alexander

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If you’d like to become more mindful of how to navigate difficult moments in your relationship, the Accordia Way is designed to support you. It’s a process for making decisions together and overcoming challenges in unity, not by avoiding differences, but by learning to communicate with respect, clarity, and care.

• Coach Susanne: Susanne@marriagetransformation.com

• Coach Adrian: Adrian@thecoachadrian.com

1. Accordia Way Communication Mirror – a free 60-second check-in tool to help couples notice whether their conversations are respectful, safe, and collaborative over time. https://qrco.de/aw-mirror

2. “Let’s Answer Your Most Pressing Questions Together” – a simple form where you can share real questions and challenges about money, decision-making, parenting differences, and long-term planning. Your submissions help shape future videos and live sessions. https://qrco.de/aw-answer