©Justin Follis, unsplash
When you are upset, do you tend to aim for your partner’s heart with a sword thrust? “That’s what I was doing regularly with James,” says Lindsey. “He felt attacked every time I raised an issue. The wall between us kept getting bigger.”
When you begin a conversation with your partner on any topic in a harsh tone, using critical words or an attitude that shows contempt, the response is likely to be defensiveness or a shut-down. Your partner is unlikely to truly listen to your complaint, and they are unlikely to address it either.
Doing Soft Start-Ups
Research at the Gottman Institute shows that using a “soft start-up” makes it far more likely that the integrity of your relationship will be preserved. You are building bridges, not walls. “The best soft start-up has four parts:
1. “I share some responsibility for this….”
2. “Here’s how I feel…”
3. “about a specific situation and…”
4. “here’s what I need…. (positive need, not what you don’t need)” (John M. Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 165)
Accordia Way Strategies for Softening Communications
Begin with serious communication, using positive words about each other, or with a moment of quiet meditation or prayer. These practices create an imaginary ball of light between you. If you look at your partner through that light and see them with eyes of love, it becomes much harder to throw painful word-darts at them.
In the book cited above, there is a concept called “repair attempts.” If you said something that hurt your partner, offer an apology or use words or gestures to reach out and re-establish the connection between you. Elements of shared humor, such as light teasing about yourself, can also help.
Ensure that your words are accompanied by virtues such as compassion and respect. Do either or both of you need to rest or eat before you begin? Can you accompany your words with a respectful tone that shows you believe you are equal partners on the same team?
Heading a New Direction
James and Lindsey had a heart-to-heart conversation about how harmful the harsh start-ups were to their marriage. James admitted he had sometimes considered not coming home. Lindsey realized she had picked up this bad habit by watching her parents ineffectively handle problems. Her commitment to showing more respect for James, including raising issues gently, helped them both feel more hopeful about their marriage.
You likely have habits that harm your relationship. Forming new habits that foster unity between you is vital and deeply rewarding.
Coach Susanne M. Alexander
NEXT STEPS
If you’d like to become more mindful of how to navigate difficult moments in your relationship, the Accordia Way is designed to support you. It’s a process for making decisions together and overcoming challenges in unity, not by avoiding differences, but by learning to communicate with respect, clarity, and care.
Could your relationship benefit from coaching? We are happy to be of service:
Coach Susanne: Susanne@marriagetransformation.com
Coach Adrian: Adrian@thecoachadrian.com
No-Cost Accordia Way Resources
1. Accordia Way Communication Mirror – a free 60-second check-in tool to help couples notice whether their conversations are respectful, safe, and collaborative over time. https://qrco.de/aw-mirror
2. “Let’s Answer Your Most Pressing Questions Together” – a simple form where you can share real questions and challenges about money, decision-making, parenting differences, and long-term planning. Your submissions help shape future videos and live sessions. https://qrco.de/aw-answer
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