©Tyler Nix, unsplash.com
In the back-and-forth of a conversation, does your partner ever think you agree with them even when you don’t?
An Accordia Way principle to keep in mind is that you are not aiming to agree with each other. What?! That sounds strange, doesn’t it? The aim is for both of you to share your thoughts and feelings in a neutral space between you. Mix those with facts about the topic. You might seek spiritual inspiration. The end goal is for a common agreement to arise between you that you can both carry out in unity. It’s not easy, but it does save you from many missteps.
So, now the above helps you see what’s ideal. However, as an intimate couple, when you share your thoughts or feelings, it’s natural to want your partner to confirm understanding, express empathy, or even indicate that you might be right.
Let’s say Nava and Sandringham are sitting side by side on the couch, discussing what happened on their last date and what they want to do for the next one. Last time, they went skiing, and Nava went for the first time. She fell, cracked a rib, and bruised her shoulder.
“I’m still upset that we did something that physically hurt me,” says Nava. “I’m a bit angry that you didn’t do more to keep me safe.”
Sandringham takes a deep breath to keep from reacting defensively. He thinks Nava wasn’t careful enough or wasn’t listening to the instructor. Skiing is important to him, and he wants her to participate. He responds, “I hear you. I’m very sad that you got hurt.”
“I know you feel bad, Sandry,” Nava says, validating his feelings as he had validated hers. “Could we choose something less physically demanding for our next date?”
They went on to choose dinner out and an art gallery to visit. They made plans to participate in a community clean-up activity as a more physically active date the following weekend.
Your responses to your partner show that you are listening and that you care about their thoughts and feelings. If you affirm that you understand, even if you don’t agree, your partner knows you are engaged in the conversation.
When you focus on validation, you are less likely to respond defensively, which often derails an Accordia Way conversation. Your attention is on your partner’s words, not on preparing a defense.
In the scenario above, Sandringham would likely not have achieved anything positive by criticizing Nava’s behavior. The next time the topic of skiing together comes up, though, he could gently remind her to stay safe and listen to the instructor.
In other scenarios, if you are in the mode of sharing in the space between you, as mentioned above, it might be very important to say, “I have a different perspective,” and to share it. Your differing perspectives bump up against each other, and often a shared perspective emerges.
Coach Susanne M. Alexander
If you’d like to become more mindful of how to navigate difficult moments in your relationship, the Accordia Way is designed to support you. It’s a process for making decisions together and overcoming challenges in unity, not by avoiding differences, but by learning to communicate with respect, clarity, and care.
Coach Susanne: Susanne@marriagetransformation.com
Coach Adrian: Adrian@thecoachadrian.com
Accordia Way Communication Mirror – a free 60-second check-in tool to help couples notice whether their conversations are respectful, safe, and collaborative over time. https://qrco.de/aw-mirror
“Let’s Answer Your Most Pressing Questions Together” – a simple form where you can share real questions and challenges about money, decision-making, parenting differences, and long-term planning. Your submissions help shape future videos and live sessions. https://qrco.de/aw-answer
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