©Blake Barlow, unsplash
How do you describe the stress you feel from parenting? Are you and your partner handling it as a team?
Rosemarie and Jean-Paul have been married for 9 years. They have three children, ages 6, 4, and 2. Rosemarie stays home with the children and manages an internet-based business part-time. They describe their home life as often chaotic. Even when everyone is healthy, the children’s needs remain high. When the 6-year-old brings cold germs home from school and illness spreads through the family, it’s very difficult. Jean-Paul works full-time but has the flexibility to work from home two days a week. This means he helps with meals and the children in between work tasks. Both share household responsibilities, but more often falls to Rosemarie.
“We are struggling to feel connected as a couple,” says Rosemarie. Jean-Paul nods in agreement and adds, “We wanted children, and we love raising them and seeing them grow. However, we didn’t anticipate how hard it would be to still feel married.” You may be experiencing something similar.
Accordia Way Strategy Session
Many research studies have shown that a unified and happy marriage is a stable foundation for your children’s well-being and success. When your children are young, it can be hard to remember that your marriage comes first and your children are second. Of course, this is balanced, as you will not neglect your children! William J. Doherty, a psychologist, shares his perspective:
“Adjustments [to having a child] … are natural and inevitable. But there is a difference between adjusting your marriage to meet your children’s needs and losing your marriage to parenthood.”(1) “Children are natural and eager consumers of whatever time, attention, and goods and services that parents will provide. It’s the job of parents to discern how much is enough, how much is too much, and to enforce the difference.”(2) “The greater danger for most of us is to lose our marriage to the demands of parenthood rather than losing our kids to the demands of our marriage (although this happens sometimes in stepfamilies). In a two-parent family, we either fight to create and keep a marriage-centered family, in which the couple relationship is the stable fulcrum of the family and the couple together care for their children, or we become a child-centered family in which the marriage goes on the shelf.”(3) (Take Back Your Marriage, pages 48, 51, and 59)
Rosemarie and Jean-Paul realize they need more couple time than they are getting. They set aside 2 hours one evening after the children are in bed to have an Accordia Way discussion about solutions. After sharing their thoughts and feelings about missing each other, they decide to:
Hire a trustworthy person to stay with the children for 3 hours once a month so they can go on a date.
Have sexual intimacy one morning a week when Jean-Paul is working at home, the 6-year-old is at school, and the other children are napping or resting in their beds.
Pay the extra money to order groceries online and have them delivered to their home most of the time.
Move the children’s bedtime 30-60 minutes earlier so they have time to check in on each other’s well-being and watch a TV show together before bed.
Hug each other and pray together at least once a day.
Go to bed at the same time as each other at least 3 times a week.
Have the 6- and 4-year-old children responsible for most of the toy pickup each evening before bedtime, and put their dirty clothes in a basket for washing.
Involve the 6- and 4-year-old children in a spiritual class each week that a neighbor is organizing.
Hire someone to thoroughly clean the home each month.
Taking Time to Reflect on Progress
A month after implementing these strategies, Rosemarie and Jean-Paul reflect on how the changes have affected them and what, if any, adjustments they should make to their plan. “We feel like we are a couple again,” he says. “I love Jean-Paul,” says Rosemarie. “These steps are helping us be friends and lovers, not just parents. The stress level in our home is down, and we see the kids doing better as a result.”
What creative ideas do you want to try in your marriage and home?
Coach Susanne M. Alexander
NEXT STEPS
If you’d like to become more mindful of how to navigate difficult moments in your relationship, the Accordia Way is designed to support you. It’s a process for making decisions together and overcoming challenges in unity, not by avoiding differences, but by learning to communicate with respect, clarity, and care.
Could your relationship benefit from coaching? We are happy to be of service:
Coach Susanne: Susanne@marriagetransformation.com
Coach Adrian: Adrian@thecoachadrian.com
No-Cost Accordia Way Resources
Accordia Way Communication Mirror – a free 60-second check-in tool to help couples notice whether their conversations are respectful, safe, and collaborative over time. https://qrco.de/aw-mirror
“Let’s Answer Your Most Pressing Questions Together” – a simple form where you can share real questions and challenges about money, decision-making, parenting differences, and long-term planning. Your submissions help shape future videos and live sessions. https://qrco.de/aw-answer
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