“Ouch! Every time we start to talk, what comes out of your mouth is a snarky, negative comment,” yells Alicia to Tom. “I can’t stand it! It makes me want to run away and hide.” Sometimes it’s the other way around, and Alicia starts their conversations with criticism or an attack. Does this sound like your couple dynamic at times?
Communication bad habits are simply that – patterns you may have learned from parents or from terrible television shows. Harsh opening words make you both feel unsafe. There is no way you want to share intimate thoughts and feelings when it feels like dangerous territory. Accordia Way invites you to make better choices.
Think for a moment about the quality of “gentleness.” You may think of it as weakness, but in fact, practicing it requires strength, self-awareness, and self-control. It helps you moderate your words and actions and be sensitive to your partner’s feelings. Gentleness also extends to careful physical touch, movement, and the volume of your voice.
Creating a safe sharing environment for both of you is closely tied to trust. When you have confidence that your partner will be gentle with you, trust grows. When there is trust between you, you can feel safe, and your relationship grows. The more criticism and harsh words there are between you, the greater the chance your relationship will fail. Learning to start conversations gently and keep them respectful is an investment in your present and future.
“I appreciate your efforts to get our house ready for our guests coming tomorrow. Can we talk about what else needs to be done and figure out who will do it?” [Harsh/Unsafe: “What did you do all day? Hardly anything is ready for them to come. Don’t think I’m going to help make up for what you didn’t do.”]
“It’s good that you asked for a raise at work today. What response did you hope for, and what happened? [Harsh/Unsafe: You are an idiot for rocking the boat at work with the economy the way it is. What were you thinking?!]
You can use words in ways that benefit you, your partner, and your relationship or marriage. If you need help, we are here.
Coach Susanne M. Alexander
If you’d like to become more mindful of how to navigate difficult moments in your relationship, the Accordia Way is designed to support you. It’s a process for making decisions together and overcoming challenges in unity, not by avoiding differences, but by learning to communicate with respect, clarity, and care.
Coach Susanne: Susanne@marriagetransformation.com
Coach Adrian: Adrian@thecoachadrian.com
1. Accordia Way Communication Mirror – a free 60-second check-in tool to help couples notice whether their conversations are respectful, safe, and collaborative over time. https://qrco.de/aw-mirror
2. “Let’s Answer Your Most Pressing Questions Together” – a simple form where you can share real questions and challenges about money, decision-making, parenting differences, and long-term planning. Your submissions help shape future videos and live sessions. https://qrco.de/aw-answer
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