©Jonathan Borba, unsplash
Note: There are Resources for you at the bottom of the article!
Do your differing views on raising your children sometimes feel like a mini-war?
You might be like Clarissa and Steven, who have two children, ages 5 and 8. Clarissa was raised in a city where it wasn’t safe to play outdoors. Although the couple lives in a safe neighborhood and their home has a fenced backyard, she insists that the children primarily stay indoors and that, when they do go out, she or Steven should always be with them. She is reluctant to have other children over for the children to play with. Steven grew up in a farming community and spent considerable time outdoors. His school friends were part of his daily outdoor experience. He is concerned that the children will be handicapped without more freedom and more contact with other people. This is becoming a daily battle.
Clarissa and Steven’s challenge might mirror something in your life, or you may be facing something entirely different. Realistically, though, parenting can be challenging. You both grew up in different homes with different parents. Your observations of how other parents in your family or community behave differ. You likely have different levels of tolerance for risk and safety. One of you may have read all the parenting books, while the other relies on instinct. You may even hold different core values about what is most important for your children to learn and experience.
Build Understanding: Share with each other your wishes and fears for your children. Link these to your experiences growing up. Strive to be empathetic and compassionate toward each other and leave judgments out of the conversation.
Common Commitment: Agree that you both love your children and want what is best for them, even as you strive to agree on what is best.
Keep It Simple: Explore and agree on one new experience for your children, and decide how you will support each other and them throughout the process. Identify the virtues that will support the experience, such as courage and responsibility. Be open to listening to each other if fears or concerns arise, and don’t dismiss them.
Reflect Together: After each new experience, assess how it felt, what worked well, and what you will do differently next time.
Share Positive Words: Praise each other for new efforts. Offer encouragement to keep going.
Stay in Learning-in-Action Mode: Choose a new experience to try and repeat the process.
As you embark on new experiences, you may retreat into what feels familiar and safe. Be kind to yourself, as this is natural. Reflect on what will help you step forward with courage, and ask for help from one another as needed.
As you try new experiences, start writing down what seem to be core parenting values and principles for each of you, and strive to find points of agreement. As you build this foundation, it will make it easier to parent together in harmony. Enjoy the journey, and reach out to professionals for help as needed.
Coach Susanne M. Alexander
If you’d like to become more mindful of how to navigate difficult moments in your relationship, the Accordia Way is designed to support you. It’s a process for making decisions together and overcoming challenges in unity, not by avoiding differences but by learning to communicate with respect, clarity, and care.
Coach Susanne: Susanne@marriagetransformation.com
Coach Adrian: Adrian@thecoachadrian.com
1. Accordia Way Communication Mirror – a free 60-second check-in tool to help couples notice whether their conversations are respectful, safe, and collaborative over time. https://qrco.de/aw-mirror
2. “Let’s Answer Your Most Pressing Questions Together” – a simple form where you can share real questions and challenges about money, decision-making, parenting differences, and long-term planning. Your submissions help shape future videos and live sessions. https://qrco.de/aw-answer
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