What do you think about the terms “good intentions” and “bad intentions”? You probably know how it feels when your partner tries to manipulate you with their words. You feel confused and uncertain about your relationship. Instead, how do you feel when your partner has your best interests in mind, and their intention is to bring you love and happiness?
When both of you hold good or positive intentions, even if your words don’t come out quite right, you give each other the grace not to be critical. Your focus is on maintaining the integrity of your relationship or marriage and on sustaining loving interactions. When either or both of you slip into wishing something bad for the other, even if your words sound positive, the result will be disunity and harm.
With good intentions, your conversations align with Accordia Way principles of partnership, respect, unity, and positive goals. They are purposeful and productive. You communicate your thoughts and feelings to pursue consensus. Consider how maintaining “goodwill” toward one another affects your intentions and conversations:
“I interviewed thirty-five couples who described themselves as ‘thriving.’ I thought I might find that they all came from happy, functional families, or that they had unusual degrees of compatibility, or that their problems were relatively minor compared with other couples—none of that was true. Some of them had rotten childhoods and enormous challenges. But there was a quality I found in all of these thriving couples that I find is usually missing in more troubled relationships. I now believe quality is a deeper key to happiness than good communication or mutual respect.
“It’s a quality I call a spirit of goodwill. Successful couples are on each other’s side. They view themselves as allies, not adversaries. They want to be happy together, and together they make this happen. In a spirit of goodwill, they accept the traits in their partner that they wish were different. They have given up trying to change each other. When they argue, they understand that a different point of view may be valid. Because they want to experience their love all the time, they would rather work toward a solution than hang on stubbornly to their own ‘right’ point of view.” (Susan Page, essay in Susanne M. Alexander, All-in-One Marriage Prep, pp. 284-285)
If you are uncertain about your motives and intentions, or you want to turn a negative pattern into a positive one, it’s wise to spend time in quiet self-reflection and self-examination. You can ask yourself questions such as “What did I want to happen from that communication?” and see what answer arises. You may gain insights by writing or by talking with a neutral third person. If you discover ill intent, you can commit to a new path. You will need to practice new behaviors for several weeks until they feel comfortable. Let us know if you need help.
Coach Susanne M. Alexander
If you’d like to become more mindful of how to navigate difficult moments in your relationship, the Accordia Way is designed to support you. It’s a process for making decisions together and overcoming challenges in unity, not by avoiding differences, but by learning to communicate with respect, clarity, and care.
Coach Susanne: Susanne@marriagetransformation.com
Coach Adrian: Adrian@thecoachadrian.com
1. Accordia Way Communication Mirror – a free 60-second check-in tool to help couples notice whether their conversations are respectful, safe, and collaborative over time. https://qrco.de/aw-mirror
2. “Let’s Answer Your Most Pressing Questions Together” – a simple form where you can share real questions and challenges about money, decision-making, parenting differences, and long-term planning. Your submissions help shape future videos and live sessions. https://qrco.de/aw-answer
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