How do you react when someone asks you a question? Do you go back to the past, and does it feel like a teacher or parent prompted fear, defensiveness, or guilt? Or are you happy that your partner is interested in what you are doing?
Questions are a way to show we care about what is happening in our partner’s life. Depending on how or what we ask, though, we may not get what we are looking for. Diana’s husband, Charles, arrived home late from work. “Why are you late coming home?” she said in an angry tone. This is a harsh opening, not a gentle one, and the use of “why” is bound to put him on the defensive. She is likely to achieve a better response and put herself in listening mode if she opens softly instead, with “I was worried about you since you didn’t come home at your usual time. What happened?”
Our personalities can also shape how we respond to questions. Introverts tend to be more private about their thoughts, feelings, and actions than extroverts. For an introvert, fielding many questions can feel emotionally intrusive. This is less likely with an intimate partner, but it still happens. For extroverts, questions are an invitation to talk and explore the answers together.
To avoid putting our partner on the spot, courtesy guides us to ask whether it’s a good time to talk before launching into questions. Then, it’s best to ask only one question and wait quietly while our partner prepares to respond. Asking more than one question at once tends to trip us up, and we may end up answering the second and skipping the first. Some people, especially those on the introvert side, need time and space to think through the question and develop a response. Extroverts will often simply start talking and discover the answer as it comes out of their mouths.
When our tone or the words we use sound like pressure to our partners, most people retreat. If it sounds like our partner is attacking or angry, it becomes hard to listen to or accept questions. Communication tends to be unproductive. With Diane and Charles, he felt attacked, stomped off to the basement, and disconnected from her for the rest of the evening. She didn’t get to hear about the promotion his manager stopped to offer him or the accident that slowed him down on the highway.
It’s helpful to practice in our heads how a question sounds before it comes out of our mouths. Putting ourselves in a partner’s shoes helps us envision how they might respond.
Coach Susanne M. Alexander
NEXT STEPS
If you’d like to become more mindful of how to navigate difficult moments in your relationship, the Accordia Way is designed to support you. It’s a process for making decisions together and overcoming challenges in unity, not by avoiding differences, but by learning to communicate with respect, clarity, and care.
Could your relationship benefit from coaching? We are happy to be of service:
Coach Susanne: Susanne@marriagetransformation.com
Coach Adrian: Adrian@thecoachadrian.com
No-Cost Accordia Way Resources
1. Accordia Way Communication Mirror – a free 60-second check-in tool to help couples notice whether their conversations are respectful, safe, and collaborative over time. https://qrco.de/aw-mirror
2. “Let’s Answer Your Most Pressing Questions Together” – a simple form where you can share real questions and challenges about money, decision-making, parenting differences, and long-term planning. Your submissions help shape future videos and live sessions. https://qrco.de/aw-answer
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