“Oh, Charley, not tonight! I’m beat.” Tricia has been home with their two toddlers all day without a break. But Charley misses cuddling and sex with his beautiful wife.
Brenda flirts with Zack and makes it clear she’s interested in intimacy after her day at work. “Honey, I’ve been up to my elbows in poopy diapers and mess all day,” Zack responds. “The last thing I feel like doing right now is having sex.”
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Do these scenarios seem familiar to you? Or maybe your children are older, and you feel like all you do is shuttle them from one activity to another. Either way, the result is low energy that doesn’t support couple time.
Children tend to be high-need when they turn a couple into a family, and they remain high-need for several years. But your marriage cannot be sacrificed along the way. It is the vital foundation of security, love, and safety, allowing your children to thrive.
Accordia Way Ideas to Try
Start with a commitment not to lose your marriage to parenthood
Examine what is exhausting each of you and develop solutions to lighten the load
Cultivate highly trustworthy relationships with caregivers who can watch your children so you can go on occasional dates
Teach your children that you need time together as a couple, even if it’s just a daily cup of tea to check in, while the children play quietly in another room
When the Challenge Is Physical Intimacy
Don’t be tied to intimacy happening at certain times of day, especially not late at night when you are both exhausted; for example, try it when a baby or child is napping
Put intimacy on the calendar (using a code letter or word for privacy); sometimes scheduling it is the best way to make it happen
Ensure you have a lock on the door so intimacy isn’t interrupted by a child
Try a different setting for intimacy, such as a shower together or a motel room, while the children are with a caregiver
Adjust your expectations that intimacy will be the same as before having children; if there is unusual pain or difficulty, seek medical attention
Often, parents find it useful to have a couple of friends with young children. It gives you people to talk to who can normalize the challenges and offer ideas. Sometimes arranging playdates in rotation frees up each set of parents for time alone. Begin by identifying what’s important to both of you, and then find the solutions you need.
Coach Susanne M. Alexander
NEXT STEPS
If you’d like to become more mindful of how to navigate difficult moments in your relationship, the Accordia Way is designed to support you. It’s a process for making decisions together and overcoming challenges in unity, not by avoiding differences, but by learning to communicate with respect, clarity, and care.
Could your relationship benefit from coaching? We are happy to be of service:
Coach Susanne: Susanne@marriagetransformation.com
Coach Adrian: Adrian@thecoachadrian.com
No-Cost Accordia Way Resources
1. Accordia Way Communication Mirror – a free 60-second check-in tool to help couples notice whether their conversations are respectful, safe, and collaborative over time. https://qrco.de/aw-mirror
2. “Let’s Answer Your Most Pressing Questions Together” – a simple form where you can share real questions and challenges about money, decision-making, parenting differences, and long-term planning. Your submissions help shape future videos and live sessions. https://qrco.de/aw-answer
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