What if?

The favorite game, the never-ending loop, sometimes the best pastime game: What if?

What if I ordered cheesecake instead of tiramisu?

What if I never pierced my ears?

What if I wore blue instead of red today?

When I was a kid, what if questions were easy and fun. I remember, on a sunny afternoon, when there was power cut and I had nothing to do, this was one of the best companion. Lying on the floor and drifting off to sleep.

What if I spend all day sleeping?

What if I had wings?

What if my house was full of chocolates?

Those questions were never heavy. They were just sparks, tiny flicker of wonder that made the world feel bigger and brighter. It was easy, serene and cozy. Like I’m painting my own pictures with countless shades of colors.

At 8 What if wasn’t scary. It made me wonder without real wings.

And suddenly I was old enough to feel the change in my what ifs. Changed voice, thoughts and it felt heavy and sometimes annoying too.

It stopped being about the clouds and chocolates. It became about people, the choices and hint of uncertainty.

What if I had spoken up that day?

What if I had stood up?

What if I had left earlier? and it continues.

And out of nowhere, it felt too real to deal. To imagine. A loop, a spiral, a pattern.

It wasn’t just about big decisions of my life, it crept into daily routine too.

What if I took a auto rather than going by bus?

What if I had something more when that stranger asked me about the book I was reading?

What if I went to college today?

Tiny little things, yet they made me think about the alternatives. At times it feels like a pit in my stomach.

And gradually, what ifs muttered regret.

What if I stayed at home?

What if I chose myself over them?

What if I never let the surrounding decide for me?

What if I was polite during that conversation?

These questions stay until the very end.

And eventually it transformed me.

I learned to smile differently, my actions changed. Even I loved differently, more cautious, hesitant and sometimes too giving, like trying to feel some gaps.

Those feelings changed into inadequacy, later turning into vulnerability. I thought, if I’m easy, they might stay. If I set my bar low, maybe they will see me. If I don’t ask for more maybe I will finally be enough. What if I wasn’t a people pleaser? If someone gave me bare minimum, I wonder this is what princess treatment looks like. I fell for crumbs thinking it was the entire meal.

And maybe you have felt this too, that quiet ache of softening your edges just to fit in, of loving too soon, too much. Maybe you and I aren’t that different after all.

What ifs show both sides of the coin.

What if I was gentler with myself?

What if I stop chasing and start living?

What if I start working on myself?

What if I start my day early and be productive?

I also think this is our second nature. These questions aren’t about redefining the past but reimagining future. Also, a very different way of teaching us that we are alive and living rather than just existing.

Every what if is valid and important.

Maybe the most beautiful What if is:

What if it all works out, for the highest good?

xoxo,

Aayushi.

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