Sexually Pursuing some dudes GF in NYC

1.2

Today was my first day in NYC and I met a woman who was so tightbodied and inherently sexual that after we parted ways I masturbated to her Instagram immediately upon returning to my room. I’ve never done that before, it felt both shameful and thrilling. If we get married then it’ll be an adorable story to tell our children one day.

I just moved into some shitty dorm in midtown. living in a fourteen square foot dorm room with a random chud. He wasn’t there when I jerked off. The lobby is solid gold but once you get up to my floor the walls are puke green and it smells like the third world. I wish my parents had generational wealth so I could live lavishly during my five months here, but they’re broke and retarded just like me so here I am. The cycle continues.

There’s an RA just like freshman year of college, she led us through the city on a walk so we could see the bright lights and meet the people we’re living with. I began the stroll with two boring software engineer dudes, meekly asking each other about classic normie topics; hometown, college, major. Talking to these dudes was worse than watching paint dry, at least when you huff paint fumes you get a little high. I drank vodka alone before this walk for confidence but hearing these technofucks mumble about computerjargon sobered me up. I slowly stopped conversing and became hyper fixated on a woman fifteen feet ahead of me. Her yoga pants don’t leave much to the imagination, but that didn’t stop me from Imagining Things. That ass was literally hypnotizing me out of my conversation, I hadn’t processed a single thing those scrubs said since I locked eyes on it.

Software guy asks, “What are your favorite television shows” and I just can’t keep doing this, I’ve spent too many years of my life as a fly on the wall who oggles these gorgeous women but doesn’t Act, watching my crushes get picked up by ugly inferior retards who simply have bigger balls then me. I’m sure these fellas can provide perfectly pleasant small talk for months to keep me somewhat socially satiated but I’ll probs never live in NYC again, I need to be That Guy instead of my usual NPC self.

I don’t watch TV, nice to meet you but I Need To Go, I lie, then fast walk up to That Sweet, Sweet, Ass. Now those two can connect over how I’m a brash asshole and develop a deeper bond, I’m so selfless and considerate. I introduce myself to the possessor of said Ass, Ashlyn, and the two others she’s walking with, Zoe and Evan. Ashlyn’s front half matches the back half spectacularly well; she’s an olive skinned Italian with a sharp jawline and tastefully proportioned C-cups. They’re all living here for internships in the fashion industry, which means Evan is Gay As Hell, so thankfully he’s not fucking Asslyn. God smiles down upon me yet again. I recycle all of the normie topics with them successfully and acquire the Instagrams and phone numbers by proposing Let’s All Go Get Margaritas Sometime!! Why is it so much easier to cosplay as a well adjusted person when you Want Fuck?

Return to The Goonlair, immediately start stroking to Asslyn’s Instagram. Is there something wrong with me? I don’t know, I don’t care, I’m probably just In Love. I stop stroking it when I see a pic with her boyfriend… FML. She’s not single, ugh… well, resume beating off to photos without him in it, I’m sorry Mr. Boyfriend but I bet you would do the same if you were me. Shoot thick ropes to a picture of her dressed as a slutty Pink Panther. It feels so good to be In Love again.

1.9

Gay Evan and Ashlyn invited me to the club with them tonight. There is one catch; I must LARP as a homosexual. Ashlyn already has a promoter of course, some slimy Israeli named Eli that she somehow met within minutes of moving to the city. I don’t know how these dirtball clout chasers somehow have a sixth sense that allows them to pounce anytime an attractive woman arrives here, but it’s getting me into some exclusive overpriced club free of charge so Yay! Eli said Asslyn can bring as many of her friends to the table with COMPLIMENTARY vodka AND cranberry juice, but no straight guys allowed. He claims it’s club rules to not have too many loud dudes at a table, but my theory is that he’s just an insecure fuck who wants to fuck Ashlyn. Just like me, #twinning. I wonder if Asslyn’s boyfriend knows about this promoter and if so, what his thoughts are. If the bf doesn’t want to murder the promoter, then he’s probably a cuck who deep down wants me to succeed in my quest to weasel my way between his girlfriend’s thighs.

1.10

These NYC clubs are insane. Overstimulation. Strippers on poles, a billion flashing lights, every fifteen seconds I see a new woman so unfathomably attractive that my lizardbrain whispers Breed her, breed her, right now in the back of the club or on the dance floor who cares just do it do it she wants Your Seed. She Needs The Seed. They all do.

When I met Eli The Promoter I did The Voice. I’m great at impressions, I can do Mexican, Chinese, African, Japanese, Indian, and last night I learned I can do Queer Bottom. Added a little lisp and even batted my eyelashes a little. Ashlyn and Evan nearly blew my cover, cackling at The New Gay Me. Luckily the Israeli is retarded and doesn’t pick up on social cues that well. He came through on his promise of a table and unlimited vodka crans. Fucking disgusting, but free. I’m too broke to turn down free, and I think gay guys are supposed to like vodka crans so I needed to power through to Maintain The Illusion of Homosexuality.

Ashlyn was shaking lots of ass which really made me want to Blow My Cover and My Load. She Facetimed her boyfriend in the club but they couldn’t hear each other since it was so loud, who could’ve seen that coming. He looked annoyed, sitting on some shitty futon with a bunch of Natty Light cases taped to the wall behind him. Saturdays Are For The Boys Flag up, of course he’s a barstool sportsfag. Ashlyn kept screaming “I CAN’T HEAR YOU, IT’S SO LOUDDD” into the phone until he hung up on her. She pouted for like seven minutes but then thankfully went back to gyrating her buttocks. Gay Evan spilled a drink on my lap and gave me apology cocaine, all my clothes are cheap so I didn’t care. He insisted on being the one to hold the scoop beneath my nose, staring directly into my eyes with a creepy smile while I snorted. Didn’t love that, maybe my LARP was a little too convincing.

1.20

Well, this is my friend group for the foreseeable future, two women and a gay guy. I desperately want to fuck Ashlyn but she has a boyfriend. Gay Evan probably wants to fuck me, so I’m gonna have to keep an eye on my drinks around him. I’m not sure if I want to fuck Zoe, she looks like a bulldog and loves black guys, so we’ll probably keep it platonic. Despite the low probability of ejaculating into any of them, they’re all heavy drinkers with high energy, which is good enough for me.

I’ve never had a gay friend before and it is truly an eye opening experience into the transactional nature of their sexual world. People complain that chicks only want to be with dudes who make money, but it’s wild going through Evan’s Tinder messages where he sends links to jewelry and old sugar daddies immediately purchase it for him. These old pervs are sending him hundreds just to grab dinner on the off chance of getting sucked off. I asked him if he’s a prostitute and he said “No, this is just what everyone does.” So much money and cum being exchanged on a Monday night, one guy even pays Evan just to get verbally berated on Snapchat. New York City; where dreams come true and anything is possible!

1.26

I was chilling in Zoe’s room with Ashlyn when they started talking about “The Soy Sauce Challenge.” I asked what it was and learned that, allegedly, dipping your balls in a cup of soy sauce somehow allows you to taste it. They really wanted to know if it was true since the internet was divided. I told Zoe to grab me a cup that she doesn’t care about too much.

As I was dipping my balls down in Zoe’s bathroom the girls asked if they could watch. I cupped my penis in one hand and opened the door with the other. For some reason the idea of showing two girls my flaccid penis felt wrong, but revealing my balls was comedic and maybe even slightly erotic? Now I understand Louis CK and those guys who like to go to drive throughs with their junk exposed, then kill themselves upon being humiliated on the internet.

Anyways I dropped ‘em into the cup and convincingly lied that the soy sauce taste was overwhelming. They fully believed me, shouting “OH MY GAWWWWD THAT’S CRAZY!” I even shot a half-joking Hail Mary afterwards and asked if anyone wanted to help me clean off, which got some laughs but sadly no volunteers.

1.29

Ashlyn and her boyfriend were having a 70 IQ fight about “Communication Styles” all day long, so she insisted that we go shopping to cheer her up. Why not, I don’t have anything better to do. She kept asking me what stores I like, but I had no clue where to start. Idk, all my clothes are hand me downs from my wigger cousins, I guess I’ve gone to Kohls a few times?

She kept taking me into strange and expensive places, treating me like a puppy in need of a Halloween costume. “Come on, over here! Put this on, try this one, what about this, oh you have to try this! Slay!”

At the final store she came into the dressing room with me to watch me try on some shirts. This gave me an instant throbbing erection, as a man who’s consumed hours upon hours of changing room themed pornography in his youth. I think it might’ve been an erotic experience for her too, I’m pretty sure I caught her ‘mirin my chest as I pulled down some “stylish” shirt that made me look like a tranny. I kept imagining tossing her against the wall, making out while we ripped off each other’s clothes, then a clerk comes in and tries to kick us out but I blow his head off with a pistol In The Name of Romance and she doesn’t care because she loves me too, so I start licking her nipples and-

2.2

That fucking scumbag Promoter Eli is on to me. I’ve continued my Make A Wish Dream of clubbing with hot women Free Of Charge the past four weekends in a row, all under the carefully maintained illusion of homosexuality. I know it’s such a vapid and contrite activity to enjoy, but what can I say; I’m a young broke horny guy, so I enjoy staying up late and drinking for free around dozens of sexy little fucktoys shaking their tailfeathers. It’s a real Monkey’s Paw situation though, as I’m not allowed to make moves on any of them due to Da Rules.

Last night Promoter Eli came up to me to confirm, “So, bro, you’re, ahh, for real really gay, bro?”

Ughhh. Jarvis, initiate The Voice: Yaaaaas Eli, I’m gay as fuck! What do you mean?

“Ok bro, because I just need to be sure you know, because bro you know, I see you staring at the girls sometimes, bro.”

Fuck man, Eli’s IDF super soldier training makes him a tough nut to trick. He’s quite the enforcer when it comes to making sure no straights are profiting off of his weird sex trafficker nightlife connections. It’s also tough because Gay Evan is much more of a natural at being gay than me, as he’s Very Fuckin’ Gay. I’d probably seem like less of a fraud if he wasn’t around.

Eli… I’m fucking gaaaay! I don’t know what else to say!

Lol, that’s all I had. I wasn’t gonna grab his ass to prove it, I really don’t care that much about getting ear raped by EDM every night. It’s fun, but I could survive without it if this guy gives me the boot. Eli stared into my soul, surely using some secret ancient Jewish lie detection test, but this fucker simply didn’t have any evidence to disprove that I’m Here, I’m Queer, and I Love Beer.

“Alright bro, well I will let you know when the men come, okay?”

2.4

Gay Evan, Ashlyn and I were pregaming in her room before going out to get drinks and she changed in front of both of us. While part of me was thrilled to see her sculpted tan Italian asscheeks jiggle in a tight black thong, another part of me was disappointed that she’s relegated me with A Man Who Loves Penis in terms of platonic comfortability. Is everyone forgetting I’m actually straight? Sigh.

2.13

Ashlyn’s boyfriend, Logan, is in town visiting this week for Valentine’s Day. Sadly his plane didn’t crash and he arrived safely. This fucker is so boring, he keeps asking me what I think about various black guys in the NFL. Sorry to disappoint man, but I do not know nor care if Davantavius Noggleson is going to “save The Buccaneers.” I only care about fucking your girlfriend. Plain and simple. This dunce is sitting on the couch with us shamelessly scrolling Tiktok on full volume and laughing like a retarded caveman, “HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH. HUH. Yo check This One Out, bro. HUH-HUH-HUH, dis guy crazy.”

2.20

Ashlyn and Zoe asked to see my Tinder profile so I showed them. They only critiqued one of my pictures where I looked “like a little boy”, but then Zoe boldly scrolled over to the messages, which she did not have permission to do.

“...Why is it only Asian girls?” asked Zoe, “Do you like, got a fetish or something?”

Uhhh, there’s a white girl in there somewhere, I think…

“You’re kinda weird for that. I don’t know why you needed to match with so many of them, they all look the same,” Zoe replied, somewhat racistly.

But their sparkling personalities are so unique, I lied.

2.27

Gay Evan and I are becoming quite exhausted listening to Ashlyn complain about Logan. Evan just doesn’t really seem to care about their issues anymore and would rather talk about the old men he’s fleecing on “dates.” I, on the other hand, am tired of hearing how this girl that I am incredibly attracted to is brainwashed by the cock of some midwit NPC hundreds of miles away in Fucking Iowa of all places. He’s not a great communicator? What a shocker. That’s because he is Nothing, Ashlyn. Logan is a carbon copy replica of all the other frat douches at University For The Retarded, there’s a factory down by the river where they churn out dozens of these useless fucks every hour. They come out vacuum sealed in their packaging wearing jerseys with their favorite Professional Beefcake’s names on the back, backwards hats delicately placed on their noggins to desperately to maintain the illusion of being six feet tall, and trust funds that will be blown on crippling Xanax addictions.

2.29

Lol, they broke up. LFG. Ashlyn is saying it was mutual, which means he dumped her. Girls love to proudly flaunt when they dump a guy, they never miss their chance to do so. Thanks for freeing her, Logan, I think my chances of having sex with your beautiful ex-girlfriend just quadrupled from 3% to 12%.

When I called Matt back home and told him the great news he congratulated me on my incoming “Sloppy Seconds.” This fucker always knows how to rain on my parade.

3.7

I was watching Legally Blonde with Zoe, Ashlyn and Evan, since as the one straight man I’m completely outvoted on doing anything Not Gay. Ashlyn fell asleep with her head in my lap. I wasn’t sure if this was because she Wants Some Fuck, or I just happened to be the person sitting next to her. I was retardedly hoping for more evidence after the movie, but she just woke up and skipped right back to her room. Much to ponder.

3.8

I think I should’ve tried to fuck her after the movie UrghgHGHhhghh Fuck I’m Such A Stupid Pussy urRGhhgHGHHGhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

3.20

I might’ve made a huge mistake today. Went out to bottomless mimosa brunch with the usual crew. It was a Strict Ninety Minute Window, but everyone in this city wants to fuck you over so I started a timer at the first pour. I had a feeling this place wasn’t as generous as they let on and I was right. They tried cutting us off at minute 78, but this group of goyim isn’t as easy trick as the usual victims! As my friends began to whimper about how fast the time went by I pulled out the timer like a Hero, demanding those con artists get us another two rounds of mimosa poured stat.

The girls cheered and Evan patted my lower back with a soft smile. Wtf, chill man. Whatever, I was buzzing, the girls love me, the gay clearly wants to fuck me, I’m on top of the world. Everyone was beyond hammered after this brunch, stumbling home while narrowly avoiding dozens of obstacles.1 We all decided to pass out in Ashlyn’s big bed together in what the girls referred to as a “cuddle puddle.” The name made me cringe but I was too drunk and tired to protest. I made sure to defend my ass from Evan by keeping it pressed against the wall, just in case he got any crazy ideas that would irreversibly damage our friendship. We all slept together for a few hours, until I was woken up to quite the surprise…

Zoe, the pitbull looking girl who said she “only likes black guys”, was rubbing my NWC (normal white cock) through my jeans. I thought I was still in a dream at first, but alas this was a very real OTPHJ. My brain immediately began doing Pussy Calculus; while Ashlyn is much more attractive it feels like an impossibly high tree to climb, she’s too hot. Zoe isn’t not hot, and she might have even bigger cans than Ashlyn.

Fuck it, time to pivot. I began to rub Zoe’s pussy through her jeans despite the fact we’re still lying in a bed with Evan and Ashlyn. The whole situation was quite unexpected and freaky, so I was quickly verging on busting in my pants. Never ideal.

I got up and stealthily tiptoed to the bathroom, Zoe looked at me confused. I beckoned her to follow, come on Fido, come get the bone! She joined me in the bathroom, unzipped my jeans, and full eye contact jerked me for twenty two seconds until I sprayed a zinc-powered load all over poor unsuspecting Ashlyn’s bathmat. I had to bite my own forearm to suppress loudly moaning like a retarded guy eating a chocolate chip cookie. Zoe just smiled, tapped my deflating dong with two fingers and exited the room. I stared down at the mess I made and it finally dawned on me that X dot com is right; NYC is the best city in the world.

3.21

I walked out of the dorm showers today and was immediately met by a smirking Gay Evan.

“You’re a naughty, naughty boy, Thailand Stripclub Reviewer,” he hissed at me through a cheeky grin. This immediately killed my shower boner, and sadly it probably gave him one. Why is that, Evan, I asked flatly.

“Well, when we all decided to take a nap after brunch yesterday, a little birdie told me that some of us weren’t sleeping. Some of us were, apparently… rubbing their good friends. Extensively.”

Evan then points in the direction of my towel covered groin. Fuck man, these Machiavellian gays can’t help themselves, they always need to get in the middle of things creating drama. Can’t we just call it what it was and move on; a Perfectly Normal Over The Pants Hand Job? Sigh.

Heh, wow. Okay. Who told you that? I asked, fully knowing and dreading the answer.

“Ashlyn. Even though she had her eyes closed, she was wide awake during that little petting zoo,” Gay Evan purred, “she thought it would be too uncomfortable to call you guys out so she just sat there and waited it out. I think you and Zoe owe her an apology.”

I didn’t know what to say to Gay Evan and I didn’t like how he was eye fucking my half naked body, so I nodded and left him to his own devices.

3.22

Ashlyn accepted my apology for getting jerked off in her room. I almost forgot that I’m The Main Character now and nothing bad ever happens to me.

I blamed it on being drunk, even though I truly wasn’t by that point. Ashlyn said she didn’t really care anymore and was just shell shocked for a day. When she asked what we did in her bathroom I lied and said we just made out, cumming on her floor felt like a deeper infraction of the social contract. I’ve probably killed my chances of sleeping with her, but when she asked me if I was going to pursue Zoe I said no no no, that was just a one time thing. Need to keep my 12% chance alive, even though it’s probably dropped to 7%. Need to see what’s under that pink panther costume that I can’t stop cum-tributing to.

3.25

Went out to the club with Zoe, Ashlyn and Gay Evan, for the millionth time. Right when I thought I was getting bored of my soulless clubbing humiliation ritual of cockmuncher cosplay, Something Happened. Something Big.

Ashlyn started grinding her ass on my crotch during Promiscuous. One of my favorite songs, and one of my favorite butts. So unexpected, and I loved all forty seconds of it before the night immediately went to shit.

Gay Evan nudged Zoe and pointed at us, and my eyes went wide like a deer in headlights. Zoe grimaced with disgust and stormed off to the bathroom. She really thought she could claim me after one OTPHJ? Come on girl, get real. Gay Evan grinned and wagged his finger in a chastising manner. What the fuck is this guy’s problem lately?

I tried to Lock Back In on the bubbly, toned ass wiggling in front of me. I barely started to caress it with my hands before Eli The Promoter stormed over with veins popping out of his forehead.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU FUCKING LIAR, YOU’RE NOT A FAGGOT! YOU FUCKING LIE TO ME TO COME TO MY TABLE? YOU LYING FUCK!”

Ashlyn drunkenly mumbled “staaaahp, stahp it Eliiiii” while continuing to grind on me. I tried to do the gay voice in hopes that I can weasel my way out of this pickle, Nooo, Eli, we’re just having fun! She’s just joking around!

“YOU THINK I’M RETARD? YOU THINK I’M FUCKING RETARD YOU FUCK? GET THE FUCK OUT, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CLUB AND DON’T COME BACK. I WILL FUCKING STAB YOU, I’M NO JOKE, I WILL STAB YOU IF YOU DON’T LEAVE RIGHT NOW.”

Gay Evan walked over and said, “No Eli, he’s really gay! He can prove it!” I shot him a furrowed eyebrow look of confusion and mouthed, What the fuck?

Ashlyn stopped grinding on me, opting to stay out of whatever the hell is happening in favor of drinking another vodka cran. Eli screamed more threats of violence as his Jew spit started to form a translucent layer of filth over my face. I briefly considered arguing with him, but the ass wasn’t even on me anymore and the group was a sloppy shitfaced mess. What’s the point?

I told Eli goodbye forever and requested Gay Evan to guard the girl’s drinks. Evan asked why and I, finally free from having to do The Voice, loudly screamed, BECAUSE ELI IS A RAPIST WHO DRUGS GIRLS which caused like twenty people snap their heads in my direction. I sprinted out of the club before he could stab me and ran up the street, dodging garbage bags and crackheads with a manic grin plastered on my face. I couldn’t stop laughing at this stupid fun life I’m living, felt like The Joker.

3.26 - early am

Returned from the club and passed out, but woke up to take a piss at 3AM. When walking down the halls I hear crying and a couple of familiar voices around the corner. I peek around and see Ashlyn and Zoe having a heated conversation… about me?

I duck back around the corner, sit down, and cup my hand around my ears. Zoe is accusing Ashlyn of only trying to get with me because she’s obsessed with attention. Fuck you Zoe, maybe she’s trying to shake ass on me because I’m A Great Guy?

Ashlyn is defending herself saying she just wants to have fun. She didn’t think Zoe and I were serious. I want to scream around the corner, You’re right, we aren’t! but instead opt to continue spying. I still can’t believe I’m worth arguing over, I almost want to record it because I know some of my friends back home won’t believe me.

The two drunkenly go back and forth for like twenty minutes covering the same points over and over, Zoe accusing Ashlyn of trying to steal me, Ashlyn saying it’s not stealing and she just needs to let loose after her break up. Eventually the tensions simmer over and they start using their inside voices, so I can’t hear them from around the corner anymore. Bummer.

The Risk Taker in me briefly considers that now might be the best time to Proposition a Threesome, but ultimately I decide that “Ladies, ladies, there’s enough of my cock for the both of ya!” might not play as well as I’d hope. So I go back to my room and wait for a “you up?” text from either one of them sadly that never comes.

3.29

It finally happened. Ashlyn and I got drinks at the shitty bar down the block, just the two of us, then went back up to her room for a postgame. We talked about how Eli The Promoter genuinely wants me dead after my little exit stunt, how Logan has been fucking a girl back in Iowa that’s two points less attractive than Ashlyn, and My Boring Dating Life. She seemed pleased to hear that none of The Tinder Asians have captured my heart enough to seriously pursue. The conversation was fun and real, I kept expecting her to ruin it by saying “I was soooo drunk when I grinded on you” but she never did.

Ashlyn paused our convo to take a piss, and through the locked door I heard “NOO!” I asked what happened; this silly broad dropped her phone in the toilet. Womanmoment.jpg. I generously offered to fish it out for her like a gentleman, or a simp, or a pervert, who fuckin’ knows. She seemed both shocked yet intrigued that I’d splash my hand around in her piss just to save her a trip to Verizon.

“You don’t think my pee is gross?” she asked, staring at me as I washed off her phone and my hands. I turned to her and thought, fuck it, if not now, then when? I quickly asked myself what a guy in a romance novel would say, then mustered up the courage to be a cornball; Nothing about you is gross.

Kinda cringe, kinda gay, but I didn’t give her any time to laugh and immediately went in for the make out. She reciprocated. Three months of sexual tension finally released.

I’m grabbing her head and her ass and they both feel so good in unique ways. She’s kissing me just how I like with a modest amount of tongue and occasional playful bites. I press her up against the wall but nearly fall into the fucking shower, she’s making these little porny grunts that’s causing all the blood in my brain to take a vacation down to my shaft. I pick her up and she’s like four pounds just as I suspected, so I toss her on the bed like a stuffed animal. We keep making out and now I’m getting another OTPHJ from the bed’s rightful owner this time, not from poor Zoe, and I like how she’s petting my dick so softly like it’s a shy cat that needs to be handled delicately. I take off her pants and the skimpy cyan thong somehow makes me even harder than I was before. I start touching her bare skin in all the places that I’ve quite literally dreamt about, her thighs, that bubbly ass, the bare skin where her pubes would be if she had any. Glance at myself in the mirror and resist hitting the American Psycho flex. It all feels so good but it still doesn’t feel real, I’ve had this underdog mentality from Day 1 because she’s a 9 and I’m probably a 7 so it always felt like a Pipe Dream. What does a dog do once he finally catches the car? Well this dog is flipping on to his back per Ashlyn’s request as she pulls down my boxers to Unsheathe The Dick. Her head slowly descends as she engulfs as much of it as she can and…….

Ouch. Oooof. Urghhh. Wow… that’s a lot of teeth. Ok, maybe she’s just a little rusty and will get better… oh jeez, this straight up just hurts. Wtf, she had a boyfriend for years, why is she so bad at this? Fuck you Logan, you should’ve corrected this form, it feels like I’m getting fucking circumcised again. Yowch, ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow… Should I say something? Would that ruin The Moment that we’ve curated? I feel like I should, maybe I can do it in a way where she won’t be self conscious, I just need to OOOF, OW, holy shit, she’s going to leave fucking scars, uhh, need to figure out how to URRRGHHH uhhhhhh ow ow ow, uh gotta word it right… Fuck is this karmic punishment for jerking off to her on the first night I met her? Is it Retribution for trying to rip her away from that dull placeholder of a “man?” Was that Wrong? I don’t remember anything in The Bible that, Oh Fuck, I’m losing it, Oh No, no no no no no not now, please not yet…

“Is something wrong?” asks Ashlyn, holding my shrinking cock as it slowly rescinds into its pathetic unaroused acorn form. I try to blow it off as Too Much Booze and offer to eat her out, but she passes. I pull up my boxers and try to make out with her some more, gotta buy some time to re-stiffen, but we’re both living in our respective heads, feeling insecure about the failed blowjob. The heat and passion has evaporated from the room as quickly as it entered. Ashlyn pulls back and says she’s going to call it a night and get some sleep before work tomorrow. I ask if she wants me to sleep over, praying that we can pick up where we left off in the AM with some freshly minted Morning Wood. She’d like to sleep alone so I leave. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

4.1

I asked Ashlyn what she’s doing this weekend and she didn’t respond. I hate myself.

4.2

I asked Zoe what she’s doing this weekend and she didn’t respond. I hate myself more than I thought I could hate myself.

4.4

I asked Gay Evan if he wanted to hang and he said, “down.” When I suggested we invite Zoe and Ashlyn he replied, “already did and they said no, naughty boy 😂😂😂”

My stomach drops to my asshole. I know I shouldn’t be surprised but it still hurts, I desperately want one more chance to make things right. This isn’t just some girl I want to fuck anymore, we’ve been close friends for three months. I know that after a few drinks we could laugh off the awkwardness, just like we did about Cuddle-Puddle-Gate. Why doesn’t she think I deserve another shot? Maybe I’m not The Main Character, maybe I’m just a generic and discardable normie that spent his whole life trying to be The Shit but just ended up becoming a Piece of Shit. I briefly mourn my future unborn children from a girl who will never speak to me again for what feels like the hundredth time, then start swiping on Old Reliable to find another Korean girl to bring to Din Thai Fung.