How To Calculate Your TRUE Body Count

Yeah guys, there clearly hasn’t been enough body count discourse on the internet, so Your Favorite Retard is finally weighing in. To get the basics out of the way; I have a body count of about twenty, I don’t ask women their body count because I’m scared, and I wouldn’t marry someone who flaunts a number higher than forty. But I don’t think the term “ran through” correlates simply to the number of people you’ve fucked.

To determine a true “Body count” you must conduct a deep, honest behavioral assessment on yourself. How have you acted historically? How do you present yourself to the world? Have you done any freaky or fucked up shit? Have you conducted yourself in a soulless manner? Have you spat in the face of Your Creator?

In this article I will present all of my beliefs surrounding what behaviors add, subtract, multiply, or even divide your body count, from which you can calculate how ran through you truly are.

Having an Instagram +1 body

If you feel the need to show off pictures of yourself to the world for validation, that’s an extra body. It’s not a big deal though, most people use Instagram. I don’t fully subscribe to the trad cuckold mindset of, “If she has an instagram then she’s just inviting dudes to hit on her.” No no, you miserable fucks, some people have the cognitive capacity to be monogamous and just enjoy seeing what their friends are up to. But, it is a conscious decision to share with the world how good you’re looking these days…

Shirtless / bikini pics on Instagram +1.5 bodies

I’ve never dated a girl who doesn’t have a bikini pic on her instagram, because I date attractive women. I’ve always been ok with it, it’s just something you have to accept in The Modern Age imo. Attractive women are proud of themselves for not being disgusting hamplanets like the average American, and therefore want to show off their impressive restraint from consuming massive quantities of goy slop. It’s not rocket science, hot people are proud of being hot and want the gentler treatment that society awards The Fuckable. Hell, I even have a shirtless pic from a hike as my profile picture on here; I want Publicly Available Evidence that I am Not Fat. Sue me.

Fucking a homeless person +1.7 bodies

If you fuck a homeless woman in her stinky tent you gain control of your cities rat population for twelve hours, they will conduct any malevolent schemes that you desire.

Consistently goes to raves without gf/bf +2 bodies

I love raves because they are filled with hundreds of horny, drug addicts that want to Get High and Get Touched. Oh, and also the music. As an avid rave goer I fully acknowledge that these are slightly demonic and hedonistic events. Being crammed into a tight and sweaty room getting cranially molested by psychedelic lights, all the girls are wearing goonbait spandex outfit, bumps on the dance floor; it feels like the music is just a background for The Mating Ritual. I’ve witnessed hundreds of intimate rave floor grope-heavy makeout sessions, and even participated in a few, and I can positively say that even if someone is in a committed relationship just being in that Sweaty Sexual Environment makes you a little more ran through. Even if you don’t pounce on anyone, you’ve surely been propositioned and at least briefly considered………….

Had an abortion +2.3 bodies

Uhhhh do I really need to explain this one? I truly mean no offense to any of my beloved readers who 360 no scoped their uterus, but like come on, right? Pulling up to The Fetus Elimination Factory is, quite literally, the opposite of virgin behavior.

Studied abroad +2.7 extra bodies

We all know what these trips are really for. You aren’t studying shit; you’re on a 3 month long degeneracy voyage to penetrate / be penetrated by as many strangers that talk funny as possible. There’s something extra slutty about study abroad though, all of these foreigners ogling you as their little American trinket to play with for a moment. You’ll meet someone and drunkenly fuck each other later that night, then immediately tell all of your friends about your “crazy, totally unique experience.” You won’t stop talking about it to anyone who will listen. But eventually those foreign nether regions that you fawned over will be a whole plane ride away, and you’ll be left wondering for the rest of your life What happened to that saucy Spaniard? This is where the extra bodies come from; thinking you’re in Before Sunrise and could’ve made it work with some European rando is just delusional ran through behavior.

Pretends to be single at the bar “for free drinks” +3 bodies

I know lots of gals who do this and I find it ethically ambiguous. The sprinkle of soyboy feminist in me goes Ehh what’s the harm in talking to someone and saving money, but then the realist in me clamps the soyboy by the neck and says Stfu retard, you know it’s not really about saving twelve dollars. It’s true, girls don’t do this just to save a couple bucks, it’s because flirting is fun. They like to be pursued, and it’s a good self confidence boost to remember that you still have value in the sexual marketplace despite being tied down to some chump. By pretending to be single though you run the risk of some stranger making a move on you, which I’m sure wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world in a girl’s minds if her boyfriend is a hairy fat gamer at home chudding out on League of Legends…

Having a best friend of the opposite sex who isn’t gay +3.8 bodies

It doesn’t mean you’re gonna do it, you have restraint. You’re not an animal, right? You’ve never thought about him/her that way, well except for that one dream, but that was just a dream so it doesn’t count..?

There’s always a chance, unless the looksgap is truly canyon-esque. I personally don’t think I could date a girl who had a close guy friend that she hung out with 1:1 a lot. I would go completely insane and probably end up on The News for Something Bad

Brings up previous ex all the time +4 bodies

This is rock solid proof of a broken alpha-widowed brain, and anyone who has been alpha-widowed is far from Pure Virgin. You can ask them to stop talking about their ex, and they might even do it, but they’ll never stop thinking about their ex’s brain and/or genitals for eternity. Once you’ve been Owned, you transition from a person to property, usually forever.

Anytime a woman has mentioned an ex boyfriend twice in one month I take the closest possible exit ramp out of that relationship. Not interested in The Scraps.

Had a threesome +4.5 bodies

No matter how many people you’ve fucked, you always have the virtuous fallback card of “I was exploring a connection with someone I cared about.” Unless you’ve had a threesome. Now you’ve officially crossed the line into hedonism territory, fully accepting that You Want As Much Stimulation As Possible. Porn told me this is cool, I’ll have time for love later, let me see what both of your assholes look like. And that’s okay, we live in a free country.

I’ve never had a threesome. In my youth I got tricked by my bisexual ex girlfriend who told me she wanted to have one, to which I eagerly responded You sure? GREAT! I’m down! I crossed my fingers and hoped she would suggest her friend Olivia, eager to discover what shade of nipples she was harboring in that voluptuous rack. However when my ex mentioned she could try to proposition a guy at the gym I quickly lost enthusiasm in both the plan and the thought of her birthing my children.

Cheated on someone +5 bodies

Listen, we’ve all made mistakes before. It happens. It shouldn’t happen all the time, but we are imperfect creatures. I don’t think that someone who has cheated before is inherently a terrible person if they learned from it. Hopefully you walked away with a guilty feeling in your stomach wondering, “What’s wrong with me, why did I think that would be worth it?” If you didn’t feel deep remorse for at least 48 hours then I am genuinely envious of your psychopathic abilities, you could probably become a great CEO or politician one day. But most people feel the weight of their sins and must venture forth with five additional bodies on their back weighing them down on their plight for repentance.

Solo trip abroad +6 bodies.

+1.5 additional bonus bodies if a girl went to Spain or a dude went to Southeast Asia.

Dramatic makeover and extreme haircut -1 body

I’m sure this one will get some pushback for being retarded, which it is, but my gut says that if you look like a completely different person after you stopped fucking tons of people then maybe that’s a free pass to knock a singular body off? It’s like the tree falling in the woods thought experiment; If I see you in the streets but don’t instantly remember the color of your pussy, did we Actually Fuck? Who’s to say..

Going to church every week -2 bodies

Personally, I think it does, but maybe I’m wrong. Despite not having concrete proof of Religion = Soul Purification, the act of rigorously committing to pursuing a spiritual connection demonstrates control over the primitive Id. You could be spending that time scrolling short form video content and gooning to porn, but instead you’re putting in some effort to get closer to a higher power, which shows that your soul is at the very least slightly less ran through than the others who have fully given up and submitted to their new tech oligarch overlords trying to turn us all into retarded coomers.

Full year of chastity -3 bodies

I’ve never accomplished this since losing my virginity. This may sound like a humblebrag but it’s really not, the foids I fondle between relationships are usually nothing to write home about. I just hate being alone. I’m always impressed when someone tells me that they’ve been celibate for a long time… if they’re not fuckin ugly. To truly spend some time with yourself reflecting on what went wrong in your last relationship and taking time to introspect on what you want in your next one is probably a good thing. Again, I wouldn’t know, but I assume that restores more of your soul than my go to of meaningless drunk hook ups with people that I find mentally repugnant yet physically acceptable.

Baking cookies every week from scratch while wearing a pink apron with hearts on it -7 bodies

This one clearly needs no further explanation.

Posting gym progress pic selfies X2 bodies

This just screams “I WANT TO GET FUCKED I NEED TO GET FUCKED SOMEONE COME FUCK LOOK AT HOW GOOD I’D FUCK I NEED FUCK.” While I do enjoy seeing my acquaintances giant asses blasted into my irises on a daily basis, I also judge them for their blatant panhandling for affection on the digital streetcorners of Instagram. It reeks of desperation to Tell the world that you’re working on becoming more Fuckable rather than just shutting up and grinding in silence.

Publishing anonymous sex diaries X2.5 bodies

Nobodies perfect……. Right….. Not gonna lie I would probably kill myself if I found out my wife was doing this.

Asking for a hall pass or open relationship X3 bodies

Whenever I’ve heard of this it just feels like borderline emotional abuse where the Hotter, High Agency person in the relationship is aware of their power over their submissive partner and decides to take advantage of it. The poor little Clinger, desperate to hold on to their “catch” will agree to these fuck-ass emotional nightmares and get mentally tortured to the point of Depression, Insanity, or Homicide. I know some tards like to make the argument that if you’re both mature open relationships can be equally good for both people but that is simply False. There is always a winner and a loser, and the winner knows they’ll be the winner when they propose such a ludicrous Looney Tunes lifestyle of lust.

Has or had an onlyfans X4 bodies

Digital Prostitution. I sometimes think about the girls from my high school who eventually grew up to become solid 6s, but garnered a delusionally high ego from dating app validation and convinced themselves they were attractive enough to become rich from OnlyFans. A tragic tale as old as… 2019? Whether or not they went wide advertising their account, some gooner from my high school would find it, and then pay for the subscription for one month so they could view and distribute Plain Old Shelby’s honkers to Every Guy That Set Foot In That School. The OnlyFans account would then shut down after netting fourteen sad dollars of “hard earned” profit, but the tits live on forever in the digital ether to be viewed, discussed, and cum tributed to, pending proficient perkiness.

Is or was a prostitute X5 bodies

But if you called yourself a “sex worker” it’s only X4 bodies, obviously.

Attended the Aella birthday gangbang X6 bodies

BRAZILIAN WATER DUMPING RITUAL, divide by 2

I mean come on, I don’t think anyone believes that letting some stinky brown guy dump filthy river water on your head is gonna fully regain your chastity. But I’ll give this white woman some points, it’s the thought that counts here. This Respectable Young Lass spent thousands of dollars and dozens of hours to arrive in some third world jungle village all for the wholesome end goal of Being Less Of A Whore. To put in that much effort, time and money, while suppressing your Formerly Promiscuous Woman instincts of a posh comfortable solo trip in Spain getting railed for a month… just to do whatever the fuck this is? That shows true Commitment To The Bit, and I’ll allow your body count to be halved.

FULLY TROONING OUT, divide by 3

I think physically removing your genitals is about as close to starting from scratch as you can get. HOWEVER, I would not advise doing so simply in hopes of attaining spiritual purity as most mainstream religions do not condone this bizarre drastic act of self mutilation, I MEAN SELF EXPRESSION WHOOPS. I almost labeled this as a full factory reset to zero body count. Then I realized that even if you replace a car’s wheels and engine, the mileage doesn’t drop. While slicing off your pussy/cock is a full hardware reset, I believe the soul does still encapture sexual experiences. You can change anything about yourself physically these days if you have enough money and self hatred, but no matter how far you run you’ll never escape You.

COMA LEADING TO FULL MEMORY LOSS, divide by 4

Now don’t go running around town standing under anvils in hopes of getting clonked on the head, it’s just not worth it. But if you can’t remember all those people you fucked I do think that is the only way to physically reset the soul. When you fuck someone, realistically, it’s not like there are physical changes being made to your body unless it’s some dude with a genetic abomination horse cock or some AIDS ridden crack-whore. I think as we grow up and bone, fall in and out of love, get betrayed, become bitter, the lasting effects all linger in the mind. And no matter how much time has passed or how much you tell yourself “I’m so glad that’s over,” anyone who ever Meant Something to you will Always Mean Something to you. If you’ve been in love before you know it’s true. They may not be living rent free in the house of your mind daily anymore, but they always have a key to the place and can pop by from time to time for the rest of your life. The more people swinging by your imagination, occupying your thoughts and your dreams and your yearnings, that’s what makes you ran through. It’s deeper than just taking a bunch of dicks up the ass.

And the final way to reduce your body count…….

Well there you have it. If you want to calculate your true body count, start with the number of people you’ve slept with, then read through and add/subtract from the actual count. If you are guilty of a multiplication factor, scale it up. And God forbid one of the divisions applies to you, knock some off your final total. There you have it; your True Body Count. If you can think of anything I missed on this list let me know and I am happy to asses it numerically. Post your math in the comments below if you’re brave soul.